


My Empire of Dirt

by cucoo4cas



Series: Hurt Series [1]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Angst, Chicago (City), Domestic Violence, F/F, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-06-23
Updated: 2014-06-23
Packaged: 2018-02-05 20:42:50
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 47
Words: 83,266
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1831612
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cucoo4cas/pseuds/cucoo4cas
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>College AU. Dean, Sam, Charlie, and Dorothy share an apartment in Chicago while going to school. Dean is having trouble making it work with Lisa, Sam is in an unhealthy relationship with Luci, and there's quite a bit of hurt/comfort. Destiel. Eventual Sabriel. Light Kevin/Anna.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Running Late

"Son of a bitch," he said under his breath. Dean Winchester watched angrily as the train rolled away from the Blue Line stop at Western without him on it. If he didn't have a test in forty minutes, he'd march his tired ass right back to his apartment. Sure, he'd have to ignore Charlie's nagging, but it'd be worth it. His geeky roommate was lucky enough to have Fridays off of school and would have nothing better but to heckle him about missing class again. And her girlfriend, Dorothy, would just watch and laugh. He checked his watch. Thirty-five minutes till the test. Shit.

Immediately, Dean starting running to campus on foot. It was only ten blocks away. He could make it. He'd better make it. After bombing his last history test, he couldn't risk being late. Running through the throng people milling about the Chicago sidewalks, he started to feel the cold city air freezing his lungs.

If Lisa drove by and offered him a ride to class right now, he wouldn't even worry about the fight they'd had last night. He'd just be so grateful to get out of the cold and off to class on time. Hell, even if Sammy rode by on his bicycle, Dean would willingly hop on the handlebars just to get to school. This test was the difference between having to repeat the class, and therefore add an extra semester to his schedule, and finally getting the humanities requirement out of the way. Pumping his legs faster, he dodged several men in suits waiting for a light to change.

Finally, in a moment of total futility and being stopped at a red light, he prayed that anyone, even Luci, passed him by with a mode of transportation faster than his own two feet. The red light seemed to taunt him as he waited for the next available break in traffic to make a run for it. He knew wishing for Luci to show up made him much more desperate than he'd like. If he'd just studied for that last test, he wouldn't be in this position.

And he hated Luci. He didn't care if that guy, if he could even be called that, was the love of his little brother's life. Luci was a total asshole. Dean had gotten into more than one fight with his feminist classmates over that son of a bitch. He hated Luci. Not because Luci was transgender, not because Luci had gone through a tremendous identity crisis, but because and only because Luci was a certifiable douchebag. Luci was male identified, but the dude was seriously a bitch. This standpoint had gotten him tons of lecturing about sexism, but really, Dean would gladly have transgender/transsexual friends. That wasn't the issue. The issue was that Luci was bossy, pushy, and had the ego to rival most celebrities.

But most importantly, he totaled Dean's car last summer. If he ever spoke to that asshole again, it would be too soon. It stung even worse that Sam had paid for the damages through money he had gradually borrowed from Dean. Still, if Luci rolled up in a car before Dean got to campus, it wouldn't take much for him to swallow his pride and ask for a ride.

Luckily, Dean got to school with five minutes to spare. He sprinted to his classroom, trying desperately not to knock into any students. A rally was happening outside University Hall, but Dean didn't pay any mind. He needed to make this test.

As he rushed into his class and let his backpack slide to the floor, he grabbed the test sheet as it was handed to him from the front row. The first question read: In what year was the Declaration of Sentiments written and in what town? 1848, Providence. 1858, Seneca Falls. 1858, Providence. 1848, Seneca Falls. Dean stared up from the page and fought the urge to slam his head into the desk. Just because he made it to his test on time didn't mean he knew what the hell would be on it. Bullshitting his answers and finishing last, Dean was never so glad for the start of a weekend in his life.


	2. Date Night

Dean passed by Sam in the stairwell of their apartment building on his way back from most likely failing his test.

"Hey, Sam," he said, "Where you off to?" Sam rushed off, shouting a quick "Luci's" over his shoulder. Dean continued upstairs assuming he wouldn't be seeing Sam till the next day if he was lucky. As he opened the door to his apartment, he heard Charlie and Dorothy come rushing out of their bedroom.

"Hi," he said, closing the door behind them.

Charlie asked instantly, "How was your test? Did it go okay? Did you study this time?" Dean sighed and threw his backpack and jacket on a chair at the table.

He sat across from his stuff and said, "It sucked. It sucked. And I tried." Charlie knocked Dean's bag and jacket to the floor, earning a glare from him, and sat down.

"Dean—"she started.

He shook his head, "The only reason I took this stupid class is because you said it would be good for me."

"Women's History is good for you."

"Sure, if I learned anything," he argued.

"If you ever went to class, you might actually learn something," she countered.

He rolled his eyes, "What is there to learn? Women had some bad shit for a long time, now it's better." Dorothy scoffed and retreated to her room.

Charlie stared at Dean, "Are you serious? Now it's better? Yeah, it's better than it was, but oh my goodness—Yeah, you need to go to class more. Badly."

He sighed loudly and said, "Yes, Mom."

Charlie stood up and said, "Well, I'm going to put on The Hobbit for when Ben gets here. Ben is still coming over, right?" Dean nodded.

It was really lucky Charlie and Dorothy didn't have to work tonight. Though Charlie's manager at the comic book store absolutely adored her and basically let her make her own schedule, it was nice to have people to babysit Ben so Dean and Lisa could go out for once. Part of Dean was jealous of Charlie. She got to hang out with Ben and her girlfriend in perfect peace. Dean was already gearing up for battle with Ben's mom. Lisa had been at him all week to take her out, but he wasn't expecting the date to soften the arguments much.

Dean hopped in the shower and hoped he'd be done and dry by the time Lisa came by.

By the time Dean was done getting dressed, Charlie was already interrogating six-year-old Ben about his favorite videogames and if he'd ever read The Lord of the Rings. Ben seemed to like Charlie and Dorothy enough, which relaxed Dean somewhat. When he saw Lisa wearing a black cocktail dress, he started to rethink his AC/DC shirt a bit.

"Hey, Lisa," he said, reaching for her hand. Instead, she dodged his touch by gesturing to the door.

"You ready?" she asked. He nodded. She hadn't said anything about his shirt, so he figured he was in the clear. He followed her out to her beat up blue civic and missed his baby with a fierce passion.

She was in the shop, still awaiting parts to heal her. 1967 Chevy Impala parts weren't exactly cheap or common, and it had taken some serious convincing for Crowley to even put the order in when he insisted on paying in cash. He didn't trust the guy as far as he could throw him, and he especially didn't trust him with his baby, but Dean really didn't have the time to put into her like he wanted. If she wasn't ready by the end of the school year and graduation if he was lucky enough to pass his classes, he fully anticipated breaking her out of the shop and fixing her himself.

As it was, they needed Lisa's piece of crap car to get around. They sat in silence to where ever they were going. The air strangled them with the jagged shards of unspoken thoughts and emotion.

Finally, Lisa asked, "Did you think about what I said at all?"

He answered, "I did. And I know you want us to move in together, but I'm really needed at my place." Another long silence filled the car. Dean idly considered jumping out of the car. They weren't going very fast, and he was sick of being suffocated by the corpse of their relationship.

"You know I don't want us to move in together just because of Ben, right? I do actually want to live with you," she said. He nodded acknowledgement. He wasn't ready to move out with her, though. Some days, he felt like he was only still dating Lisa because he loved Ben so much.

Hesitantly, he asked, "Hey, Lisa, umm, where are we going?"

She sighed in exasperation, "You don't remember? Wait, you did make reservations, didn't you?" Dean knew he must have been pulling off his best impression of a deer in the headlights. Thankfully, his phone rang before he could try to bullshit his way out of being completely fucked.

"Charlie?" he answered. He noticed Lisa stiffen.

"Hey, Dean," Dorothy answered, "I'm using Charlie's phone. We're at the hospital."

"What?!" Dean shouted. Lisa shot him a worried look.

"No, Dean, it's not Ben," Dorothy explained.

She paused and then said, "I told you we shouldn't have called him. It's just an ankle. We could've just taken care of it at home."

Charlie said something to her that made her say to Dean, "Charlie thinks you should know that Sam's in the hospital. He just twisted his ankle. It's not even that bad."

"What happened?" he asked.

He mouthed to Lisa, "It's Sam." She visibly relaxed.

"I don't know," Dorothy answered, "He said something about tripping down a flight of stairs. I have no clue. Oh. Charlie says you need to come to the hospital so we can admit Sam since he's only a freshman and you're his official guardian."

"Right," Dean said, "We'll be right there." He hung up and pictured Sam falling down a flight of stairs. Stupid kid. He told Lisa about the situation and remained in uncomfortable silence all the way to the campus hospital.

Luckily, Sam's ankle was only sprained, and Charlie had overreacted, but Lisa was still less than thrilled to find Ben sitting with them in the waiting room. Dean didn't know what she had expected them to do. It's not like they could have left him back at the apartment by himself. Still, date night ended before it even began. He hugged Ben goodbye, telling him, "Be good for your mom, okay?" Ben nodded quickly and followed his mom out to her stupid car.

Regardless of the problems he and Lisa had, Dean knew he couldn't leave Lisa. He loved Ben too much to be able to say goodbye.


	3. At the Roadhouse

After class on Monday, Dean, Sam, Charlie, and Dorothy met up at the bar just off campus called The Roadhouse. As they walked in the door, Ellen stopped wiping down the bar long enough to wave.

"Hey, guys. How's class going, Dean?" she asked. Dean rolled his eyes and followed the rest to their usual table, a circular booth in the back corner of the bar. Ellen resumed wiping with a satisfied smirk on her face. The four of them sat down, and right away, Jo brought out three beers and a root beer for Sam.

"You know, Jo," he said, "I could probably pass for 21."

Jo smiled sweetly, "Don't make me start carding you guys." Sam accepted his root beer graciously. He propped his wrapped ankle up with a wince across booth. Dean looked at Sam's ankle out of the corner of his eye as he shoved his backpack to the floor.

"And you did that tripping up the stairs?" he asked.

Sam nodded, "Yeah, and…?"

"We live on the second floor. It's only one flight of stairs," he said, "You twisted your ankle on one flight of stairs. I know you're not the most graceful kid, but damn."

"What does the amount of stairs in our building have anything to do with—"

Dean's phone rang loudly. It was Cassie. His heart stopped for a second and not in a good way. He always worried Cassie would call to tell him how she got badly injured while in training or something equally devastating.

He answered her call, "Hi."

"Dean!" she said loudly. There was quite a bit of static on her end. He wasn't quite surprised since she was currently in Germany, and she was using a pretty crappy cell phone.

"Hey, Cassie. What's up?" he asked.

She said, "I'm coming home soon." That was certainly unexpected. Cassie had been in the army for a little under a year, so her coming home had been pretty far from Dean's mind.

"What?" he asked, excited.

"Oh, shit," she said, voice muffled.

Then, the line went dead.

"Cassie?" Dean said, checking his phone.

When he saw they'd been disconnected, he muttered, "Dammit."

Charlie raised her eyebrows at him. He was about to explain when his phone rang again.

He picked up instantly and said, "Cassie?"

"Uh, no," Lisa said.

"Oh, hey, Lisa. I thought is was—"

"Cassie, yeah. Is she why you don't want to move in? Never mind, that's not why I called."

"Wait, what? No, I—" he stammered.

"I need you to watch Ben tonight; I have to work," she said.

Dean thanked whatever powers-that-be that he had enough money saved up from working over the summer with Benny at Rufus' garage that he didn't have to work during the school year. It helped that Sam and Dean had inherited money from their parents' life insurance policies and were able to use a trust fund that their mom had gotten from her father, so they did not have to worry about paying for school or housing. Still, anything else had to come out of pocket, and Dean had been lucky enough to get on Rufus' good side over the summer.

"Sure," he answered quickly, "And I'm just not ready to move in. It has nothing to do with Cassie." Sam eyed Dean and shared a confused glance with Charlie.

Lisa sighed in Dean's ear; "I'm not getting into this over the phone." She quickly told him to pick up Ben by 6pm and hung up. He pocketed his phone quickly.

Charlie glanced at Dorothy and fixed Dean with a stare, "Umm, Dean? What?"

Dean got up from his spot on their circle booth and said, "Cassie said she's coming home."

Before anyone could ask anything more, he quickly walked over the where his friend, Benny, was playing Foosball against some kid with tousled black hair and bright blue eyes who was staring at Dean with enough intensity that Benny scored against the guy completely uncontested by any of the miniature players. It was seriously unnerving.

Dean walked to Benny's side and said, "Nice shot." Benny opponent dropped his gaze from Dean awkwardly. Was it legal to have eyes that blue?

"You want to play next, Winchester?" Benny asked him. Dean looked over at Sam, Charlie, and Dorothy who were alternating between looking at him and talking amongst themselves. He knew they wouldn't come over since, for whatever reason, they didn't like Benny.

Dean answered, "Sure."

He only felt slightly guilty for using Benny as a human shield. He hadn't told them about Lisa pressuring him to move in, because he knew he didn't want to, and frankly it was his problem to deal with, but damn, he didn't want to talk about it now. Just before Benny won what was probably the easiest and most one sided game of Foosball known to man, Dean's phone rang. He didn't recognize the number.

"Hello?" he answered.

"Dean! Finally! I hate my stupid phone," Cassie said.

Dean walked away from the Foosball table with his phone to his ear.

"What happened?" Dean asked.

She laughed, "My piece of crap cell phone won't hold a signal for shit. My old phone would've been fine with international calls."

Dean rolled his eyes with a smile on his face.

"You know," he said, "I don't know how many times I have to tell you this, but losing your phone on that roller coaster was not my fault."

"Tell that to my missing phone," she teased. He laughed and changed the subject.

"So, you were saying you're coming home?" he asked.

She said, "Yeah, I should be home in a month or so. They just told us today. It's just a holiday leave, but we definitely need to catch up."

He answered, "Can't wait. I miss you, Cassie."

"Well, I'll let you know when I have a more concrete date," she said, "But I'll be home soon. I miss you, too, Dean."

Before he could say anything else, she said, "Hey. I have to go. It's a lot later here than it is there. It was nice talking to you."

She hung up.

Worry wormed its way into Dean's stomach. He was certainly happy about being able to see Cassie. Even though they didn't talk often, he still considered her one of his best friends. But it had been a while since he'd seen her. He wondered if she was still the bubbly, dark-skinned girl he'd known for so long and had even dated at one point, or if being in the military had changed her in some big way. She'd been in for so long that, even though her absence had started with Dean worrying constantly about Cassie getting hurt or winding up dead, he had gotten to the point that he only missed her when he thought about her, which truthfully wasn't very often.

Lately, he'd though about her more frequently since she'd probably be the only person he'd feel comfortable talking to about his problems with Lisa. Cassie dated him once; she knew how stupid he could be with relationships. She would probably be able to give him some good advice. Even if his and Lisa's problem couldn't be fixed, talking to Cassie would at least make him feel better. But he still had to wait.

Dean put away his phone and went back over to Benny, who had engaged in a rematch with the blue-eyed boy. Maybe 'boy' was the wrong word. He looked to be about Dean's age, anyway. He checked his watch, realized he had a half hour to pick up Ben, and said a quick goodbye to Benny.

Going back to their table, he slowly approached the awkward and uncomfortable stares of Charlie and Sam. Dorothy must've gone to get more food. He took a breath and reached for his backpack on the floor behind Sam's feet.

"Dean," Sam said. Dean didn't have time for this.

"I don't want to talk about it right now," he said, "I'm not moving out, so don't worry. I've got to go pick up Ben. See you guys at home."

Dean arrived at Lisa's at 6:09pm, earning him a baleful glare from Ben's mom.

He ignored her and said, "Hey, kiddo. Ready to go?" Ben bounded up to him and reached for his hand.

"Dean! I have to show you something! I HAVE TO SHOW YOU SOMETHING!" Ben shouted, hyper as all hell. Dean could see the brewing argument in Lisa's eyes. Her look told him they would be resuming their discussion later.

Swallowing his anxiety over what that would entail, he picked up Ben with one arm and said, "You have to show me something? What is it?"

Dean waved a quick goodbye to Lisa as Ben started babbling about the gold tar he'd gotten on his drawing in class and how his kindergarten teacher said the star meant he was special. He didn't try to hide how proud he was of Ben's gold star as they made their way to Dean's apartment.


	4. Hurt

Sam watched Luci pace on the phone. He nodded enthusiastically as he listened. Sam didn't even know who was on the phone. He leaned his ankle on the arm of Luci's beige couch.

His boyfriend quickly hung up the phone and smacked Sam's foot off the couch with a whack that shot pain all the way up his leg. At first, when Luci had started being overly aggressive and a little too rough, Sam had thought it was one of the many phases that his boyfriend had gone through trying to discover his masculine identity. There had been a whole month where Luci had worn something made of leather at all times. Unlike the leather, the causing Sam pain thing hadn't faded with time. Sam knew better now than to exhibit any signs of pain; it only made his boyfriend keep going and hit harder.

Luci plopped next to Sam on the couch.

"That was Ruby. She and Meg are at a club on Polk and want us to party with them," he said.

Sam grimaced, "Well, you can go if you want, but my ankle hurts too much for standing or dancing at some club."

"I still can't believe you sprained your ankle," Luci laughed, "I didn't push you that hard."

"Still I'd rather not party with them tonight," he repeated. Luci stood up, pouting his lip, and looked at Sam.

"Please?" he asked, whining a little. Sam rolled his eyes.

His boyfriend dropped to his knees before his and held his ankle gingerly in his hands. Luci asked, "What if I made you feel better?" Sam stared at Luci's hands in apprehension and made no move to reply.

Luci grinned and twisted Sam's ankle sharply to the left, making Sam gasp in pain.

"On a scale of one to ten, one being a cut you didn't notice and ten being you fed your arm through a wood chipper, how much pain are you in?" he asked. Sam gripped the edge of the couch tightly as Luci twisted Sam's ankle further.

"Six," he gasped, trying not to cry or shout out in pain.

Luci straightened Sam's ankle and rubbed it gently, nearly eliciting a moan of pleasure from Sam just from having the pain stop. Nearly. The last thing Sam wanted to do was encourage this kind of treatment.

"Only a six?" Luci laughed, "You could easily come dancing."

"I just don't want to," Sam pressed. Luci turned Sam's ankle quickly in the other direction. Sam bit his lip hard and clawed at the fabric of the couch.

"Considering how swollen this is," Luci said, "Your ten must be ridiculously high." He paused and stretched Sam's ankle painfully. Sam finally cried out in strangled anguish.

"Come dancing with me, Sam," Luci said.

Sam gasped, "Let go."

"Then, say yes," Luci countered.

"Let go!" Sam shouted.

Luci turned his ankle more.

"Say yes!" he barked.

"Yes!" Sam yelled.

Again, his boyfriend straightened his ankle and soothed it with gentle rubbing. Sam was so caught off guard by the sudden gentle touch, he almost cried remembering when their touches were all this gentle, this loving, this intimate. He still foolishly hoped things would return to the way they were before the bruises and sprains and pain. Luci helped Sam off the couch and supported his weight as he tried to use his abused ankle to stand.

"I don't expect you to dance with me," Luci said quietly, "I see your ankle is pretty bad. But I'm glad you're coming with." Sam could almost hear a 'thank you' in there. He stood on his own and followed Luci towards the door, careful to not favor either leg.

He smiled at Luci, "I wish I could dance with you."

As they left Luci's apartment, his boyfriend said, "You'd better be careful on the stairs. Remember, there's always a new ten." A chill ran down Sam's spine.

Luci smiled with mock innocence, "Oh, come on, Sam. I'm not going to push you down the stairs again. That last time was a total accident." Slowly, they made their way towards the stairs.

"Plus," Luci added, "I might accidently kill you if I did that. And if you weren't here, I'd probably end it. And that wouldn't be fun for anyone."

"You'd what?" Sam asked. He could feel the horror building in his gut. He couldn't be saying what he thought he was saying.

Luci clarified, "I'd kill myself if I didn't have you here."

He said it like it wasn't even a question. As they stepped out into the cold city air and headed for the club on Polk street, that certainty in Luci's voice frightened Sam the most.

 

Just after midnight, Dean carried a sleeping Ben like a sack of potatoes over his shoulder as they arrived at Lisa's front door. She opened the door and took her son to his bed, leaving Dean standing just inside the doorway.

When she came back she said, "You're a bit late." He felt her sarcasm slither over his skin. Lisa had gotten home around 11pm, so saying he was 'a bit' late was much too generous to possibly be sincere.

"Yeah, I know. He fell asleep, so getting his jacket on took a while," he said.

"He wouldn't have needed a jacket if you'd been here," she argued. She folded her arms across her chest and fixed him with a strong stare, practically daring him to fight back. He didn't want to do this.

"It's Tuesday. You know it's game night at my place," he said defensively.

"If you're needed here," she said coolly, "I would hope we come before game night in your priorities." Seriously?

He shook his head and said, exasperated, "But I wasn't needed here. Ben was fine at my place. I don't see what the problem is." He saw the tired anger in her eyes and braced himself.

"The problem," she said, practically gritting her teeth, "Is that you don't want to be here at all."

"That's not—"

"Why don't you want to move in here, Dean?" she pressed.

"Can we not—"

"I know it's not Ben, because I know you love him."

"Lisa, I just don't—"

"You don't what, Dean?"

"I just don't think we'd survive it if I moved in," he blurted.

He quickly examined his shoes. He hadn't wanted to do this tonight. Honestly, he hadn't wanted to do this ever.

"What do you mean by that?" she asked. He shook his head and turned towards the door. He needed space.

But she needed answers.

"We're broken, Lisa," he said, "I don't know when that happened but we're broken. If I moved in here, it would only get worse."

"Dean," she said softly, putting a hand to his face, "It's not broken. We're not broken. Not irreparably anyway. We can fix it. I just think it would be easier to fix if you were here." He stepped away from her touch.

"We would fight even more, and you know it," he countered, "I think we're not strong enough to handle it."

He knew it sounded like he was just giving up. But he tried for so long to make it work for them, for Ben. He knew it wouldn't work out. He knew they didn't work the first time they got together back in high school. He knew they wouldn't work now.

He'd only stayed this long for Ben. He knew how badly Ben wanted him as a father figure. And he loved Ben as if he was his own in return. And that made the present situation that much more terrifying. He could feel the end coming, but the thought of losing his kid, even if he wasn't his, stopped his heart cold.

"We could have a life here, Dean," Lisa said quietly, "And you don't even want to—"

Dean interrupted, "What kind of life would it be if we just fight all the time?"

Lisa quickly opened the door for him in two angry steps.

"You know what?" she said, "Get out." Dean wanted to backtrack as hard as possible.

"Lisa—" he tried.

"No," she cut him off curtly, "If you're not willing to try, get out."

"Lisa, please, that's not what—"

"We're done, Dean. Go."

Dean felt a hot, angry tear fall from his eye. How had they gotten here? There was a time when Lisa told him to go, so they didn't have to tell Ben that his mom had a boyfriend. There was a time when he would've ended a fight like this by pinning Lisa against the wall and stealing her angry words with his tongue.

But now, all he could say was, "At least let me say goodbye to Ben."

"No," she said firmly.

It made Dean think for an insane second that things weren't really over. How could Lisa not let Dean say goodbye to Ben unless it really wasn't goodbye? But he saw the hurt in Lisa's eyes, the hurt that Dean had put there.

"Please, Lisa," he said, "I just want to—"

"He's not your son, Dean!" she shouted.

He felt like he'd been slapped across the face. He was so stunned, he didn't move. She all but shoved him across the threshold and slammed the door in his face. Only for Ben's sake, Dean did not bang on the door in urgency to fix something, anything.

It finally started to sink in that this was really it. He walked down the block and sat on the curb, struggling desperately not to cry. Goddammit.


	5. A Small Amount of Comfort

After the club and dropping Luci off at his apartment, he left with his boyfriend's words ringing in his ears.

"I'd kill myself if I didn't have you here."

After months of hidden bruises and false apologies, those were the last words he expected to hear. Sam walked back to his apartment, but he knew he wouldn't be going home tonight. He knew Luci was bad for him, and he'd been meaning to break things off for a while, but somewhere he hoped to no avail that Luci would go back to being the strong man he loved so much. He used to have so much respect for him, having been kicked out of his house for being who he was. He was so wonderful and strong and amazing. Now, it was hard to reconcile that person with the one who yanked him around with too much force or resorted to begging and guilt trips to get sex from Sam whenever he felt like it. He knew the good times were getting fewer and farther between. But now, Sam genuinely worried that Luci's threats were serious. What reason would he have to lie anyway?

Sam stumbled into the next alley, eyes stinging with angry, unshed tears. He couldn't be responsible for someone's death. He couldn't be responsible for that someone's life either. He was trapped, and he knew it.

"I'd kill myself if I didn't have you here."

Sam slammed his fist into the cold brick wall.

"I'd kill myself."

How had he gotten himself into this mess? He punched the building again.

"Kill myself."

Slam.

"Kill myself."

Slam. His knuckle split with a sharp sting, making Sam hiss in pain.

Dammit. He slid to the ground in the dark alley and wrapped his fist in his shirt. Well, what was one more thing to hide, anyway? After all this, he'd become a bit of an expert at hiding minor injuries. He let his head fall back against the rough brick. Maybe if he cracked his head hard enough against wall, none of this would matter. Angrily, he smashed his uninjured fist into the wall next to him.

"Whoa. Hey, that's quality brick you're roughing up there," said a light voice. A man who was a good foot shorter than Sam sauntered up to him. His feathery hair caught a bit of moonlight in it as he looked down at Sam. From where Sam sat on the hard, Chicago ground, the man seemed to tower over him.

"Just kidding," he said. Sam eyed him warily; this time of night, no one was out on the streets for anything good. The man seemed to sense Sam's apprehension. He crouched to be eye level with Sam.

"What are you doing out here so late, kid?" he asked.

Sam replied, "I could ask you the same thing." The man nodded and plopped down next to Sam on the ground.

"Fair enough," he said. For a few moments, they sat in silence. Sam silently questioning what the hell was going on. Finally, he looked at the other man and didn't regard him as a threat. Honestly, he just seemed exhausted.

Sam broke the silence first.

"I'm trying to avoid going home," he said. The man turned to look at Sam. A light turned on inside one of the buildings, allowing a window to illuminate part of the alley. Sam saw his mysterious companion didn't seem to be much older than he was. The man smoothed down his disheveled hair when he noticed Sam's scrutiny. Quickly, those amber eyes shifted away from Sam to stare at the opposite wall from them.

"Oh, yeah?" he said, responding the Sam's vague answer, "Same for me, actually."

"Really?"

"Yeah, my dad's going at it with my brothers again. Not quite my scene tonight," the smaller man explained.

Sam nodded. He remembered enough screaming fights with John and Dean that he could easily relate.

"How about you?" the stranger asked.

Sam shrugged, trying not to think about Luci and failing, "I don't really want to talk about it."

"Really? You're not going to share your personal drama with a perfect stranger? I see how it is," he said with mock anger. Sam smiled a bit at the other man's attitude.

"Well, your loss," the man said, "Perfect opportunity for a non-biased audience. But you don't want to talk about it. I get it."

"It's my boyfriend," he said hesitantly, testing the waters for just how non-biased this guy really was. He seemed completely unfazed.

Sam continued cautiously, as it was clear his listener was waiting, "We haven't been doing well lately. Haven't for a while actually. I don't think I love him anymore to be honest." He waited for a response but received nothing but a nod to continue.

"He's been really awful, but now I know I can't leave, and it just sucks." His companion cocked his head ever so slightly when Sam said Luci was being awful.

Sam removed his cut up fist from his shirt and pulled up his sleeve to reveal the finger sized bruises wrapping around his wrist and forearm.

"Awful," Sam reiterated. The man reached out gingerly and gently touched Sam's marked up skin.

"I see," he muttered. Sam took back his arm and slid his sleeve back down to his fingertips.

"I'm just not okay enough to go home right now," he concluded. The man nodded and stood.

"I get that," he said stretching.

He brushed off his pants and said, "Kid, it's your life, I'm not gonna tell you what to do. But, as hard as it is, you should probably get home. It's late, and the next guy you run into may not be as nice as me."

Sam slowly got back on his feet.

"You're probably right," he said. Telling this guy about it all had calmed Sam considerably.

As the man started to walk away, Sam asked, "Hey, what's your name?" The guy turned around to face him from just outside the alley. The streetlight swathed him in an urban glow.

"You show me yours, I'll show you mine," he replied with a grin.

"I'm Sam."

"The name's Gabriel," he said. Sam struggled to find his voice again and replied, "Thank you, Gabriel, for listening." Gabriel sighed and shoved his hands into the pockets of his leather jacket.

"No need to thank me. Just take care of yourself," he said.

Sam nodded and they went their separate ways. Much to Sam's surprise, he did actually find his way to his own bed that night.


	6. Alcohol in Place of Comfort

Fucking Lisa. He wasn't ready to move in with her. Was that such a big deal? And Ben wasn't his son? He fucking knew that, but that hadn't stopped him from loving the fuck outta that kid. He didn't even get to say goodbye. Fuck everything. It had been a few days, but staying in his room hadn't worked, avoiding class hadn't worked, going to class hadn't worked, and alcohol was next on his list of things not to work. He grabbed his next beer from the Roadhouse bar (he lost count somewhere after his fifth) and wished his tolerance wasn't so high. He wanted so badly to black out and forget all this twisted shit.

"You know, drinking your problems away doesn't actually work, right?" Jo said snidely.

Dean snapped at her, "You know what? Blow me, Jo."

"Like I'd want to."

"Like I'd let you," he countered. Her good humor dropped as if he'd slapped her in the face.

"Fuck you, Winchester," she said, slamming his next beer on the bar and walking away.

"Where and when, sweetie," he called with venom in his words even he could hear. Sure, he knew he'd hurt her feelings, doubly hurt them since he was pretty sure she had a thing for him, but she should've known better than to get personal with him. A guy got up from a table behind him and joined him at the bar.

"I think you owe Jo an apology," the guy said. Dean turned to tell the guy just where he could stick that suggestion when he was stunned into silence by the bright blue stare he found himself fixed with.

"Who the hell are you?" Dean asked, slightly aware of his slurred speech.

The guy replied, "I'm in your history class."

Dean rolled his eyes, "Yeah, that helps."

"How drunk are you right now?" the boy asked.

"Not drunk enough," he answered, taking another swig of beer.

"You should apologize to Jo," his classmate repeated.

Dean staggered to his feet and whined, "Fine." The guy followed Dean over to where Jo was wiping down a table.

"Fuck off," she said angrily. Dean looked at his classmate who gave him a stern look to continue.

Dean leaned over towards Jo and said, "Hey, I'm sorry. I was being a dick."

She nodded, "Yep. Grade-A asshole."

He sighed and explained, "Lisa and I broke up. I just needed to get wasted." Jo looked up and met Dean's eyes.

"Oh, honey," she said, "I'm sorry."

"It's 'kay. I'm gonna head out. Sorry again, Jo," he muttered.

Jo said quickly, "Castiel, could you please make sure he gets home okay?" The blue-eyed man followed after Dean immediately.

"The hell kind of name is Castiel?" Dean asked, momentarily proud of his attempt at clear, coherent speech. Castiel steered Dean to the door.

Once they were outside, Dean asked, "But seriously? Castiel? Whose idea was that?"

"My parents'," he said.

"I'm gonna call you Cas," Dean slurred, almost laughing at how stupid he sounded, " 's easier."

"Sure, Dean," Cas answered.

After going the complete wrong direction to Dean's apartment, turning around, keeping Dean from stumbling into the street, keep Dean upright, waiting patiently while Dean pissed in an alley, and finally arriving at Dean's apartment, he was pretty sure this Castiel guy was God or at least a saint. How he put up with Dean's drunken rant about Lisa and Ben was beyond him. Sam answered the door when Cas buzzed.

"What the hell? Dean?" Sam asked. Dean smiled widely at how goofy he must look, especially since he was decently sure Cas had an arm around him, supporting his weight.

"I don't know who Lisa is," Cas said, "But apparently she's a bitch and Dean's been drinking because of it for whatever reason. He does live here, yes?"

Sam nodded, taking his brother off of Cas.

"You want to come inside? It's freezing out here," Sam offered.

Cas shrugged a quick, "Sure."

Dean struggled out of Sam's grasp.

"I can walk," he said, defensive. Dean made it two steps before face planting over the threshold.

"Graceful as ever, Dean," Sam commented. Cas snickered as they picked him up off the ground.

"Shut up, Sam," Dean said, leaning on both Cas and Sam as they made their way slowly up the stairs. Once inside the apartment, Sam and Cas tossed Dean on the couch face down.

Before completely passing out, he heard Sam ask Cas, "He said what to Jo?"

When Dean awoke the next morning, he was still on the couch with a crick in his neck and a nasty hangover. Thank God for Saturdays. He walked to his room sleepily to grab new clothes. As he pulled off his shirt, a figure in his bed turned over. Castiel, a shirtless Castiel no less, was sleeping in his bed. What.

Quickly, he found Sam making scrambled eggs in the kitchen.

"You let Cas stay the night?" Dean asked in a half whisper. Sam nodded while stirring the eggs.

"What did you expect me to do, Dean?" he asked, "The guy brought your drunk ass home, got you to apologize to Jo without being sober, and it was freezing outside. Of course, I let him stay here." Dean sat at the table and started remembering the details of the previous night. Oh, God.

"So, you and Lisa split?" Sam asked. Dean had been scarce lately, but he hadn't found the time or energy to tell anyone about it. Except for Cas and Jo, apparently.

Dean caught Sam's eye and said, "Dude, don't."

Sam nodded politely and returned his attention to the eggs. Cas emerged from Dean's bedroom, now with a shirt on, and sat at the table across from Dean. His hair was all kinds of messed up, which really only accented how bright his eyes were. And damn, if Cas' lips didn't look soft when he yawned.

Dean averted his eyes.

Why was he checking out Cas? First, he barely knew the guy. Second, he was definitely, very confidently, not gay. Third, he just broke up with Lisa. That was probably why he was checking out Cas, actually. Maybe the trauma of losing Lisa and Ben made him stop thinking straight. He just needed some coffee and therapy. It would all start making sense, right?

Sam served Cas some eggs and asked, "Would you like some coffee?" Cas shook his head.

"No," he said, "Thank you for the eggs, though. You really didn't have to."

Sam smiled and fixed himself some eggs and coffee, joining them at the table.

Dean asked, "Hey, don't I get coffee or eggs?"

"It's in the kitchen," Sam said around a bite of scrambled yolk. Dean rolled his eyes and grumbled to himself as he went to get some breakfast. A few minutes later, as he sipped at his piping coffee, he noticed Cas staring at him. Dean shot his eyebrows up at the guy.

"What?" he asked.

"We need to talk, Dean," Cas answered.

Dean sighed, assuming it was to call him out for being such a bitch last night, and said, "Alright, after breakfast."

They ate their meal in silence. Cas still kept furtively staring, which was just really damn creepy, but it did make Dean feel a little less like the garbage he was and a little more like he had something entirely way too interesting on his shirt. And that was when Dean realized that he was, in fact, not wearing a shirt. Well, that might've explained some things.

After breakfast, and now adorned in a Metallica t-shirt, Dean walked Cas out into the apartment hallway. Once the door was closed, Cas turned to Dean and hugged him tightly.

Dean's heart and head both stopped doing anything at the same time. What. The. Fuck. Eventually, his mouth picked up the slack.

"Uhh, Cas?" he tried, his brain still completely misfiring. What was happening?

Cas released him abruptly and said, "You seemed like you needed a hug last night, but it didn't seem like the more important thing when we were getting over here."

"Uh huh," Dean said, trying to forget how Cas smelled. It wasn't going too well. As Dean and Cas got to the building's stairs, Cas turned to Dean and locked eyes with him.

"Dean," he said, "I think we should be friends."

"What?" Dean asked. What was with this guy? He was so weird. Cas focused his entirely too blue eyes on the ground.

"You told me a lot more last night than I think you realize. I know you could use a friend. And it would be nice if we could hang out," Cas explained. Suddenly, Dean felt naked. What had he told him? He thought he remembered most of last night, but now he began to doubt that.

"Yeah, sure," Dean said.

Cas smiled and lit up the stairwell with it.


	7. The Start

Weeks went by with Dean only seeing Cas in class, and they never talked when they did see each other. He had started to figure that Cas had only been trying to make Dean feel better with his offer of friendship even though he was so awkward about it.

Dean and his friends sat at their usual table, relaxing after a long day of midterms. Sam pulled out a book and cracked it open loudly on the table with a sigh. Dean shook his head and snatched the book.

"Nope," he said, "We're done with school today. Don't be bringing it in here with you." Sam reached for the law book, but Dean held it out of reach. He stared at his older brother in exasperation.

"Fine," Sam sighed, "I'll study at home later."

Dean smiled at him in triumph and, handing the book back, said, "Atta boy." As Sam shoved his study material back in his backpack, three guys approached the table. Dean looked up to see bright blue eyes studying his face.

"Hey, Cas," he greeted.

Charlie eyed Castiel, "Hey, aren't you the kid who—"

"Yeah," Dean cut her off, "Cas did me a solid."

He turned to Cas' companions, "And they are…?" Cas introduced his friends as Balthazar, a blonde, scruffy dude whose low cut shirt was way too tight and whose smile seemed to be physically imbued with sarcasm and sass, and Gabriel, a shorter guy with a mischievous grin and a leather jacket. Dean already distrusted the both of them violently. As Cas introduced Gabriel, Sam's head snapped up from whatever he'd been doing with his backpack. He visibly blanched. Dean shook his head at his brother, the weirdo, and returned his attention to Cas.

"You guys wanna sit down?" Dean asked. Charlie and Dorothy scooted towards Sam, allowing the boys to sit. Despite the added room, Cas took a seat next to Dean, occupying the little space between Dean and the edge of the booth. Dean shoved Sam over to give himself a little more personal pace, but it wasn't much of an improvement. They all shyly sipped at their drinks.

As an awkward silence fell over the table, Dean was painfully aware of the spot where his knee touched Cas' and where their thighs lined up together. It was suddenly uncomfortably warm in the booth.

Gabriel broke the silence by saying, "So, how's it's going, Sam?" Sam choked on his root beer and coughed loudly.

"Wait," Dean said, "Sam, you know this guy?"

Sam nodded, staring at Gabriel, "Yeah, from class, right?"

"Yeah," Gabriel affirmed, "We have a class together." Balthazar looked at Gabriel with a questioning gaze, but his shorter friend waved him off. Something was definitely going on. Before he could say anything about it, Sam grabbed his backpack and stood, making Cas and Dean move to let him out.

"I'll see you at home," he called over his shoulder. What the hell was up with that kid? Dean and Cas sat back down, again with their knees touching despite having even more room. Dean awkwardly retracted his arm so it wouldn't be draped around Cas' shoulders. Suddenly, Gabriel left with an abrupt wave goodbye and followed Sam out of the Roadhouse.

"What the fuck?" Dean muttered, watching them leave. He turned back around to the rest of the table, who all seemed to be as confused as he was.

"Well, I don't know about you guys," Balthazar said, "But I'm starving. Bar food anyone?"

"Hey, Sam, wait up!" Gabriel called. Sam turned and stopped, watching the man bounce up to him. As soon as Gabe caught up, Sam continued walking home.

Gabe asked, "Are you okay? You left in a bit of a huff there."

"No," Sam said, "I'm not okay. I told you some seriously personal shit with the understanding that I wouldn't ever see you. Now, Dean knows something's up, and at this rate, he'll probably figure out what's been going on and I can't handle that, Gabe, I really can't."

He took a deep breath. Why was he such an idiot? If he wasn't in this mess, he wouldn't have to be hiding shit from his brother.

"Whoa," Gabriel said, "Dean doesn't know about that?"

"No, he doesn't. And I'd like to keep it that way," Sam snapped.

Gabriel nodded, "Okay. I won't tell anyone. Not my business anyway."

Sam sighed and said, "Thanks."

They walked in silence for a bit.

"But, you know," Gabe said, "Since we're probably going to be seeing more of each other, and I already know what's going on with you, maybe I can help you out."

"Seeing more of each other?" Sam asked. That certainly seemed presumptuous.

"I'm Castiel's best friend, you're Dean's brother, and I don't if you saw the way they were looking at each other, but I have a crazy feeling that we'll be hanging out quite a bit." Sam stepped onto the curb near the front of their apartment building.

He laughed, "Dean's straight, you know." Gabe smiled at Sam as they stopped at the front steps.

"Yeah, I heard about Lisa. Castiel told me," he said.

That made Sam's head spin. Dean told Cas about Lisa? He hadn't even talked to Sam about what happened. All he knew was Dean threatened to break his nose if he mentioned either Lisa or Ben again. Gabe seemed to read Sam's mind as a knowing grin spread across his face. If Dean had opened up to Cas, even while drunk, maybe Gabe was onto something.

"If Dean had feelings for a guy, I think he'd tell me," Sam argued.

The shorter man laughed, "Oh, I'm sure. I don't think he knows how he feels yet. Seriously next time they're together, watch them. You'll see it." Sam leaned against the front door, trying to understand how this was his life. Then, the rest of Gabe's earlier statement slapped him in the face. His was an unfixable predicament, but he was opened to ideas.

"How would you help me out?" Sam asked.

Gabriel answered, "I can be a rather good listener. And I hear talking about it can help." Part of Sam wanted to just walk inside and leave Gabriel out on the street. If he didn't talk about it, there were times he could pretend it wasn't real. But it was. And talking to Gabriel, even not about Luci, sounded nice.

"You wanna come inside?" Sam asked.

Gabe said, "Sure, but I don't put out on the first date." He gave an overly emphatic eyebrow wiggle that had Sam holding open the apartment door, trying to stifle his laughter.

There were several things happening that Dean hadn't expected. He hadn't expected Cas to walk back with him to his apartment. He hadn't expected to laugh as hard with Cas on the way home. He hadn't expected to invite Cas inside so they could keep talking. But he definitely hadn't expected coming home to find Sam and Gabriel asleep on the couch with the DVD menu for V for Vendetta playing on the TV.

Apparently, Cas hadn't expected it either.

He whispered, "I feel like there may be something we missed."

"No shit," Dean answered.

There were not many times in his life where he had no idea what to do, but this was one of them. He was torn exactly in half over whether to give Sam a wet willy to wake him up in the most uncomfortable way or to let Sam continue to spoon Cas' friend. He wondered where Charlie and Dorothy had gotten to that they didn't come home to this weirdness.

He told Cas quietly, "Wait here." Dean crept over to the TV and turned off the movie, the silence of the place now deafening. He continued to Charlie's room. Pushing open the door stealthily, Dean saw Charlie and Dorothy wrapped around each other, fast asleep. How late had he and Cas been out? He checked his watch. While they had stayed at the Roadhouse till last call, the 1:00am staring up at him still took him by surprise. But he had just started getting Cas to talk about his family. So, they'd go to his room to keep talking without waking up the longhaired sleeping beauties.

He poked his head around the corner to where Cas was still waiting, and he motioned for him to follow him. He held open his bedroom door for Cas and closed it quietly behind him.

"So, this is my room," Dean said, idly wondering what Cas thought of his multiple Pink Floyd posters, "Don't let it give you any ideas."

"What kind of ideas would your bedroom be giving me, Dean?" Cas asked. If Cas' face weren't the picture of innocence, Dean would've thought he was messing with him.

"Nevermind," Dean said quickly, "So, you were saying something about your parents?"

Over the course of the night, Dean learned that Cas' dad, Chuck, had a job that made him travel a lot, which made them not nearly as close as Cas would've liked. Cas' mom had died giving birth to his sister, Anna, when Cas was very little. They didn't talk about his mom much at his house. Growing up without a mom was, sadly, something Dean knew all too well. When he said as much to Cas, he started to wonder how late it was that he was tired enough to lose his filter.

At some point, Dean lay down on his memory foam mattress and told Cas about living on the road with his dad, about practically raising Sam, everything. Before the night was over, Cas told Dean all about his childhood, constantly moving from place to place, and Dean told Cas all about Lisa and Cassie and how he was worried that he'd never find the right person if, indeed, such a person existed.

In the morning, having been awakened by the smell of fresh bacon, something else happened that Dean hadn't expected. Never in his wildest dreams had Dean thought he'd wake up in another man's arms. Stranger still, Dean never ever expected to be reluctant to leave such an embrace. It was so comforting and secure to feel him there; he could hardly bring himself to consider getting up despite his rising panic of being in bed with a guy. Cas' arms felt like they were holding him together while ripping his sanity to shreds. As he debated between feigning sleep to stay curled up with Cas or getting up to investigate the scent of bacon and trying to maintain his sanity over the situation, he knew one thing for damn sure. He really needed to talk to Sam about this.


	8. Bacon

Dean slid out carefully from Cas' grasp, deliberately ignoring what felt like Cas' morning wood as he went. If he did right, Cas would never have to know the compromising position they'd slept in. Finally achieving freedom, Dean stood up slowly so as not to wake up his friend. Cas' shaggy black hair fell in his face, completely mussed from sleep. Fighting the urge to brush Cas' hair back, the scent of bacon snapped Dean out of staring at the sleeping man and reminded him of his quest. Bacon.

He emerged from his room, closing the door quietly, to find Gabriel and Sam busily cooking back and eggs and waffles and…was Gabriel seriously chopping up pineapple?

"This," he said, gesturing to the quickly forming breakfast spread, "Is how to wake up in the morning."

Sam rolled his eyes.

Gabriel, however, faced Dean with mock sadness, "What? No 'thank you'?"

Sam said, "That's as close to a 'thank you' as we're going to get."

"Oh," Gabriel said, "Well, you're welcome."

Dean sat at the table and shook his head at them. He'd thank them for the meal when they weren't being sassy shits. Once Charlie, Dorothy, and Cas joined them at the table, Sam and Gabriel started serving food. Dean grabbed some folding chairs for the extra people.

Dorothy commented, "We're going to need a bigger table," once all the food was brought over. As they all started eating, an awkward silence fell over the table. The food was very good, but it wasn't enough to make Dean forget the feel of Cas' arms. And that bothered the hell out of him.

Finally, Charlie said, "Well, I was never good at the quiet game. What's going on?" Dean focused as hard as possible on the crunch of back between his teeth. Why was Cas so comfortable? Why was he looking so innocent as he poured syrup on his waffles? Didn't he know what he was doing to Dean's head?

Dorothy looked at Charlie and said, "Maybe it has something to do with those two cuddling last night?" Dean nearly inhaled a bite of scalding eggs. It wasn't until he looked up and saw Sam push away from the table, abrupt and red faced, did he know she wasn't talking about him and Cas. Sam walked quickly to his room and shut the door.

"We're not talking about it," Gabriel clarified.

Charlie said, "Okaayyy…are we are not talking about Dean and Cas spooning this morning?" Dean wondered if he'd accidentally left his door open or if the concept of privacy was really so foreign in their household.

"Definitely not talking about it," Dean answered, skewering a piece of pineapple with slightly more agitation than was warranted.

Cas sighed, "I see no reason why we can't talk about it. It's not like anything untoward happened."

"Untoward?" Dean asked, questioning his friend's word choice.

"Nothing sexual or physically intimate happened, Dean," Cas clarified.

"Yeah," Dean said, trying to keep the fire from his face, "Definitely not talk about it. At all." Dorothy burst out laughing, and Charlie tried to hold herself together and failed.

Gabriel left to go check on Sam as Charlie choked out, "Oh my god, Cas, if you can make Dean's face turn that color all the time, we are keeping you around. Oh my gosh, that was priceless."

Dean mockingly laughed along and then glared at the girls as Sam and Gabriel returned to the table. He was about to comment on Sam's interesting morning when Cas' knee touched his under the table. The words evaporated on his tongue. And Cas' knee didn't leave.

Gabriel tried to break the silence with a story about Sam smashing an egg all over the counter while they cooked the food. It was followed by laughter and more story sharing that made the rest of breakfast much more of chaotic panic bouncing around Dean's head. Did Cas know his knee was touching Dean's? Had he purposely started cuddling with Dean last night? Why was Dean okay with any of this?

He wasn't gay. Not that there was anything wrong with it. It was pretty clear Sam was more gay than not. He hoped the glance Sam was stealing at Gabriel meant that he wouldn't have to see Luci anymore. Still, as Dean shifted his knee away from Cas and missed the comfortable warmth immediately, he knew he wasn't gay. He'd dated Cassie and Lisa, both of who were notable female. And he'd had plent of one night stands over the years, all of which were women. He had never been attracted to a guy ever. Until now. What the hell was going on? Were Cas' hands supposed to look so soft? Was that supposed to be attractive? Fuck everything.

Cas started telling a story, which drew Dean out of his head much too quickly for his own comfort.

"You know," he was saying, "The last time I saw bacon, my dad was doing absolutely everything to get me to try it. I was a vegetarian at the time, and he even tried telling me pigs were meant to be bacon like it was their sole purpose in life." He laughed to himself, earning confused looks from everyone at the table.

He explained, "It's funny, because pigs obviously have more to their lives than being processed breakfast food." Dean noticed Cas had completely avoided the bacon. Learn something new every day.

"Anyway," Cas continued, "I told my dad as much. About pigs having lives. He told me I was crazy, but he never touched bacon again."

"What?" Dean asked, laughing, "He gave up on bacon?" For whatever reason, Cas' story wasn't necessarily funny, but it was sort of endearing.

Cas nodded, a small smile playing on his lips, "He didn't need all that grease and fat anyway. It's probably the unhealthiest food that gets consumed regularly."

"Thank you!" Sam said, happy that someone agreed with his healthy, baconless lifestyle.

"Freak," Dean and Gabriel said in unison. Sam scowled at them.

Cas smiled at Sam and grabbed a piece of bacon. He took a chunk out of it and swallowed, earning him a shocked stare from Sam and a proud one from Dean.

"Guess now's a good time to mention that bacon is the only kind of meat Cas likes," Gabriel said, grinning at Sam.

Sam sputtered, "But you just said you're a vegetarian."

"At the time," Cas corrected.

Dean collected Cas' and his plates and patted Sam on the shoulder on the way to the kitchen sink, "Tough break, Sam. No health freak allies for you today." Dean washed the plates, trying not to think about how hot it was when Cas ate that piece of bacon.

Shortly after breakfast, Gabriel offered to walk Cas home on the way to his place. Cas didn't so much as wave to Dean on his way out, which honestly, made everything a lot more confusing.

But after they left, his life seemed to return to normal. He decided he'd just not have Cas over at his place overnight. Last night was what made this morning so confusing. Everything would go back to normal. As Dean thought about the time he and Lisa had made breakfast for Ben, he wondered how good of a thing normal was.

He sat next to Sam on the couch and deflected his thoughts by saying, "So, you and Gabriel, huh?" Sam shot Dean a glare that could have probably turned him to stone if he tried harder.

"No," Sam said.

Dean laughed as Sam turned on the TV just to shut him up.


	9. Being Stupid

He still couldn't believe he had spooned with Gabriel. He hadn't even intended to fall asleep with him. One minute, they'd decided to wait up for Dean by watching V for Vendetta, and the next thing he knew, he was waking up holding Gabriel like a security blanket. He wasn't even sure if they'd started the movie or not. Luckily, Dean had had an equally embarrassing morning that Sam was all too willing to bring up whenever Dean tried to pry into what happened with Gabe.

And nothing happened with Gabe anyway. They'd just talked about school and some small talk about favorite music and food and anything to stop from having awkward silences. Sam's phone vibrated on the arm of the couch. It was Gabriel.

The text read: "Want to hang later?" So, they may have exchanged phone numbers last night. That didn't mean anything. Friends do that.

He replied, "Sure," and erased the texts quickly. Even though nothing happened, he didn't want to risk Luci finding out and jumping to conclusions. He started to get his shoes on as Dean came out of his room.

"Where you going?" he asked.

Sam slipped his shoes on and said, "You know, I'm not a child. I can go somewhere without telling you where I'm going."

Dean raised his hands in surrender, "Okay. Sorry."

Sam grabbed his jacket when Dean said, "So, Gabriel's then?"

"Shut up," Sam replied, before walking out the door.

When Sam got to Gabriel's place, after asking him for directions at least twice, Gabe opened the door clad only in jeans that really had no business being that tight or that low slung. He had no shirt, and his hair was sopping wet. Had he been texting Sam while in the shower?

Gabe smiled, "Yeah, I clean up nice, don't I?" Sam realized he'd been staring and quickly inspected the sturdy doorframe of Gabriel's place. He lived in a two-flat and led Sam to the lower flat. Gabe disappeared into another room.

He called out, "I'm gonna get dressed. Make yourself at home." Sam looked around. Maybe coming here wasn't such a good idea. There was a bowl filled with Almond Joy sitting on a table near the front entrance. It's not like he knew Gabriel all that well. He'd opened up the once, but now it didn't seem like enough to warrant hanging out. Sam headed over to Gabe's futon and noted the comforter strewn over it. Was this were Gabriel slept? He smoothed out the comforter and sat down.

This was very weird. He should've just stayed at home. Sam couldn't help but notice a leopard print bathrobe hanging on the back of what seemed like a bathroom door. He just couldn't picture Gabriel wearing it. Though, to be fair, he couldn't have imagined Gabe shirtless and surprisingly muscular until this afternoon either. Gabriel came back out of the room wearing a tight black t-shirt, and his hair looked like he'd just sort of rubbed a towel over his head to stop it from dripping.

"So," he said, "I realized I said we could talk about what's been going on with you and, well, we kinda talked about random stuff that wasn't about that."

Sam wanted to know more about Gabriel, like where his family was today since he lived with them, but he replied, "What do you want to know?" If they were going to get to know each other, he figured he should probably just get it all out there. He could be an open book for a few hours, right?

"What's your boyfriend like? Aside from being an abusive dickwad," Gabe said. How honest could he be about that? Luci was complicated. Open book, he reminded himself.

"Well," Sam said, "His name is Luci with an 'i', and it's complicated."

"Luci?" he asked.

Sam nodded.

"That's a girl's name. Even with an 'i' that's not a guy's name."

Sam nodded again.

"But he's your boyfriend. And a he," Gabe clarified.

"Yep," Sam answered, "Like I said, complicated."

Gabe pressed, "Complicated?"

"Luci is transgender," Sam said, pausing for Gabriel's reaction. There wasn't one.

He continued, "He's biologically female but identifies as male. When he was transitioning, he considered changing his name to something more masculine, but nothing ever took. Sometimes, if he's really trying to pass as a guy, he'll introduce himself as Lucian, but among friends, he's just Luci."

"And he roughs you up?" Gabriel asked.

Sam laughed, "Girls can be just as strong as guys. And Luci is much more guy than girl."

"So, he's an evil dick."

"I guess you could say that."

Gabe asked, "Since I've already seen the bruises, is there anything else I should know about?" Sam nodded. He propped his leg up and slid his pants up to reveal a very swollen and still red ankle. It had been weeks since the original injury, but he hadn't had the chance or the ankle brace to do anything but make it worse. Luci, of course, was no help.

Gabriel jumped up and said, "I'm getting you ice for that. Holy crap." Sam had been waiting to see what would elicit some alarm from him. Now that he knew where Gabriel's breaking point was, he knew he wasn't going to tell him about the other stuff. In comparison to some of the pain, his ankle was barely even noticeable.

When Gabriel came back with a ziplock bag full of ice, he pressed it to Sam's ankle and said, "Jesus, Sam. Why are you still with this guy?"

"I don't know," Sam said, "At first, it was because we'd dated for so long. It's been three years. Just didn't seem right throwing all that time away." He stared at his hands.

Sam continued, "But when I realized he wasn't going to stop, it didn't seem worth it anymore. I've been planning to leave him for the last few months."

"What's stopping you?" Gabe asked.

"I can't leave," Sam confessed, his vision blurring slightly, "He told me he'd kill himself if I ever did." Gabe opened his mouth to say something, but Sam cut him off.

"I know he could just be saying that to get me to stay or to try to show he cares in some stupid, twisted way, but if he's serious, that's just not something I could live with," he said quickly. He felt tears in his eyes that he hoped Gabriel couldn't see.

"Sam," Gabe said, "I'm not going to tell you what to do, like I've said before, but are you sure staying is the better option? He might not kill himself, but what if he kills you, accident or otherwise?" Sam sighed.

If Gabriel had asked him that in the alley, he would've told him straight out how much he didn't care if he died. After all this, he was damaged beyond repair. Waking up took effort. Dying would just be a relief at this point. But Gabe wasn't a random stranger who couldn't give two craps about Sam's stupid life. He was quickly becoming a friend. And while he had already opened the flood gates about Luci, there was no reason why Sam should tell Gabe about the emotional damage.

He answered, "He wouldn't kill me. He's too attached to do something like that." Gabriel gave Sam a concerned look but dropped it. Sam tried to blink naturally to clear his eyes of tears without attracting Gabe's attention to it.

It didn't work. A rebel tear slid down his cheek while the others were kept at bay. Dammit. Gabriel wiped the tear away softly, and his touch set Sam's skin on fire. Not a good sign given Sam's current relationship situation. He didn't have the time to deal with developing a crush on this guy. He was probably straight anyway.

"Sam," Gabe asked, "Are you okay?"

He answered, "I'm so stupid." As if that answered the question.

"What?" Gabe asked, clearly confused.

"I should've never dated Luci. Or at least, I should've left after the first time he hit me. This is all my fault. I thought things would get better. Dammit, why am I so stupid?" Sam blurted.

Gabriel took Sam's hand in his.

"Whoa, hey, Sam. You are not stupid. You're in a bad situation, but this is not your fault. Luci's a prick. If you want to blame someone for all this stuff, blame him," Gabe said.

Sam looked him in the eye. He could see how much this guy cared about him. Sam couldn't remember anyone looking at him like that before. He should probably leave before he hurt Gabe like everything else.

"Thanks," he muttered.

Gabe smiled, "No problem. Now, there's just one more thing."

"What's that?" Sam asked.

"Since your boyfriend is such a gigantic douchebag, can I call him Lucifer?" Gabe asked as innocently as possible.

Sam had a difficult time remembering the last time he'd laughed so hard.


	10. In Class With Cas

Dean took a seat in the back of the class and pulled a notebook out of his backpack in case he needed to pretend to take notes. Honestly, if Charlie hadn't walked him to class, he wouldn't have been there at all let alone on time. Other students were still piling in. Then, there was Cas. He walked in behind the crowd and slid into the seat next to Dean.

"Hello, Dean," Cas said, "I was starting to think you dropped this class."

"Would if I could," Dean replied, opening his notebook to a random blank page.

"Do you not like Women's History?" Cas asked.

Dean sighed and reluctantly met Cas' gaze. He could get lost in all that blue. He released a breath he hadn't realized he'd been holding.

"No," he replied, "I got nothing against women; I love women. I'm not big on history."

Cas nodded, "So, why are you taking this class?" Cas licked his lips, and Dean struggled not to mimic the motion. Apparently, Cas' effect on him wasn't limited to post-spooning awkwardness. What. The. Fuck.

"I needed a humanities course," he answered. Why was he looking at him like that? It was like those blue eyes could see straight through him.

Cas asked, "For what major?"

"Law enforcement," Dean said.

Cas smirked and pulled a notebook out of his bag.

"What?" Dean asked.

"You look like a cop." Dean didn't quite know how to take that.

Their professor walked in and pulled dry erase markers out of nowhere.

"What are you majoring in?" Dean asked quietly. Cas checked his mechanical pencil for lead. God, his hands.

As the professor starting writing on the board, Cas answered, "History."

Of course he was. Maybe if he could get his shit together and stop thinking about Cas' hands on him, he could ask him for help passing this class. Considering how much effort it took to stop looking at Cas, it seemed like a pretty big if.

Why the fuck was he feeling like this? He was straight, dammit! It must've been something to do with Lisa. He was subconsciously trying to rebound. But he knew he'd gotten over Lisa while they'd still been dating. The pain was still there, but they'd been over with months before they split. Maybe it was losing Ben. But how would losing the closest thing he had to a son make him check out this guy? This guy in his class with the pinkest, softest lips and brightest, blue eyes and this little smile and goddamnit!

Dean decided to focus on the teacher and actually pay attention in this class.

"Family," the teacher was saying, "was largely defined by men."

"Like everything else," someone piped up. Nothing like a Women's History class to make a guy ashamed to be a guy.

The professor said, "Let's try to remember we do have men in this classroom. A little respect and decorum, hmm?" She turned back to the board and drew a generic family tree.

She continued, "In certain societies, family is defined through the female. In ours, family is defined through the male. For example, it was custom in the 19th century, which is the period we're studying now for those of you who've not been paying attention." Dean ducked his head and saw Cas smiling. It was breathtaking. Must pay attention to teacher.

She continued, "for women to take the name of the man they married. She would have no legal agency of her own. She simply became another part of her husband. Children, too, would have the father's name, which became problematic if the father were to die. Any guesses as to why?"

No one said anything. Dean avoided eye contact. Cas touched Dean's leg, which damn near gave him a heart attack. Cas slid his notebook to Dean.

"Anyone?" the professor tried again. She looked like she was losing faith in her class. Dean looked at Cas, and he nodded encouragingly.

"Because the mother would not get custody of her kids," Dean said, trying to sound slightly more confident than he felt. How did Cas know this shit? The professor beamed at him.

"Yes. Thank you," she said, "Women did not have the right to their own children. The kids would instead be legally given to the father's male next of kin. It was not until 1848 that mother's right were recognized by law."

Dean pushed Cas' notebook back to him. He had no idea that women hadn't had the rights to their own children. Hell, they gave birth to them and raised them and loved them. That was so fucked up. While his situation was not nearly as ridiculous, he could relate. Breaking things off with Lisa was for the best. He just wished he didn't have to date Lisa to see Ben.

He tried to keep paying attention to the lecture, but he started wondering about Cas. How did Cas feel about kids? Did he want kids? If he did, that sort of shot any chance that he might want to be with Dean. Would he want to be with Dean? He'd seen Dean drunk off his ass. And that was how they met aside from when he played foosball with Benny that one time. Did Dean want Cas to want to be with him? When Cas stared at him, it made Dean forget there were other people around. And that was sort of nice. Maybe it wouldn't be so bad to be with Cas.

This was getting ridiculous. The teacher started talking about family dynamics in cases of divorce. All it did was make him think of Lisa. But not paying attention meant thinking about Cas. Cas' foot brushed Dean's leg. His heart sped up instantly.

This was a new kind of hell.


	11. Battle Scars

He kissed Luci goodbye as he got in his car.

"Have fun in Detroit," Sam said. Luci rolled his eyes. Once he drove off, Sam called Gabe to meet at the Roadhouse.

"A week?" he asked. Sam nodded, not even trying to fight the smile stretching across his face.

A whole week without Luci seemed almost too good to be true. He'd been called to Detroit for a week, because his parents wanted to have an early Thanksgiving since Luci wasn't able to make it up later in November. And since his parents were pretty strict in their hatred of cell phones and not on very good terms with Luci to begin with, he didn't even have to call while he was away. It was a taste of freedom that had Sam both excited and terribly nervous. What if he got used to it?

Gabriel smiled with an impish twinkle in his eye.

"I know exactly what we're gonna do with this vacation," he said. Sam raised his eyebrows at him.

Gabe elaborated, "Every day after school, you're gonna come over to my place, we're gonna hang out, and you're gonna have the best week of your life. Starting today." Sam tried desperately to not imagine what they could be doing during this wonderful week. He definitely did not think about a shirtless Gabriel greeting him every day after school. He didn't consider ditching school altogether. Not even once.

Dean squeezed into the booth, shoving Sam closer to Gabriel than he'd already been. Their shoulders brushed, sending electricity down Sam's side. This week was going to be insane.

Cas slid in next to Dean when Dean asked, "What about the best week of your life?"

Sam rolled his eyes, "Can I not have a private conversation for once—"

Gabe answered, "I'm gonna spend a week showing your brother a good time." Sam could feel the heat in his face as Dean burst out laughing.

Then, he noticed something. Something was forced in Dean's laugh. Sam looked up and met Dean's eyes. The joy on his face was missing from his eyes. His eyes were wider than normal. He seemed nervous.

Dean caught Sam's scrutiny and snapped, "What?"

Sam shrugged, "Nothing."

But then he saw how Cas was looking at Dean. Son of a bitch. Gabe was right. One way to know for sure, though.

"Yeah, Gabe and I were making plans for the week," Sam said, "Since we'll be out of your hair, maybe you two can go do something together."

Dean looked like he'd swallowed acid and shot Sam a look of pure, unadulterated hatred. And Sam knew Gabriel was completely right about them. Holy crap.

Cas beamed at the suggestion.

"That could be fun," he said to Dean. Dean stopped glaring at Sam long enough to turn to Cas.

"What would you want to do?" he asked.

Cas looked at the table, "I don't know." Dean smiled at Cas and Sam had to stifle a giggle. Oh, he had to talk to his brother about this. But as Gabriel lightly touched his arm, he knew it could wait.

"We're going to Gabe's," Sam said, getting up, "Don't wait up."

Dean shot Sam a death glare that made him worry about finding Nair in his shampoo later. He made a mental note to test his shampoo before using it again. Dean quickly resumed discussing plans with Cas as Sam and Gabriel left the Roadhouse.

When they reached Gabe's place, Sam asked, "So, what do you want to do?" Gabriel held the door open for Sam, grabbed an Almond Joy from the bowl, and plopped on his futon.

He grinned and said, "First, I want you to get naked."

"What?!" Sam asked, his voice an octave higher than he would've liked.

Gabe laughed, "I'm just kidding, Sam. It's too easy to make you blush. I couldn't resist." He patted the couch as Sam tried to slow his heart rate.

"But seriously though," Gabe said, "I don't want to start this week of awesome if you're neglecting injuries I don't know about."

Sam's breath caught. His ankle was a bit better, but it still hurt to walk on it. He had a running mental catalogue of all the bruises: two large ones on his torso and side, a large bruise on his back, several smaller marks on his legs, and fresh bruises on his arms. And there were other things.

"Are you asking me to show you all of it?" Sam asked.

Gabe nodded, "You weren't doing jack for your ankle. I gotta know there's not anything else like that."

He must've seen the fear in Sam's eyes, because Gabe said, "Sam, it's okay. I just gotta know you're alright. I'm gonna go get something. At least take your jacket off, hmm?" Sam nodded and shrugged off his coat as Gabe got up, rummaging through his backpack.

It wasn't like he hadn't show Gabriel bruises before. But as he gingerly removed his shirt, he was nervous as all hell. Gabe was going to be disgusted by him, or worse, he'd pity him. Even aside from those worries, sitting on Gabriel's couch shirtless was a new kind of nerve wracking.

Gabe turned around, a small package in hand, and crossed over to the futon. He swept his caramel hair out of his face and whistled. He tossed the package into Sam's hands and gently touched one of the larger bruises that mottled Sam's skin. His fingers were deliciously warm.

"Hot damn, Sam," Gabe said, "Are you sure Lucifer didn't break a few bones? I'm seeing at least three shades of purple here."

Sam nodded, thought he wasn't entirely sure. He'd always figured a broken bone would hurt worse than anything he had going on, but he'd never bothered to check. Gabe stopped staring at Sam's chest and cleared his throat.

"So, that's for you," Gabe said, indicating the small box Sam was holding. Sam opened it, instantly curious. It was a folded up ankle brace.

"Umm, what—" Sam started.

"I'm choosing to believe you just don't have an ankle brace, and that's why you let it get so bad," Gabe explained.

He took the brace from Sam and lifted Sam's ankle onto his lap. Sam watched as Gabriel carefully wrapped the brace around his ankle. His hands were inhumanly warm. And surprisingly soft. Gabe lifted his amber eyes to Sam's.

"Can't start having an awesome week with you all crippled," Gabe said, trying to be lighthearted.

Sam was completely caught off guard by the look in Gabriel's eyes. There was no pity or disgust or judgment. His warm, amber eyes were just filled with kindness and concern for Sam. He didn't know how to respond to a look like that.

"You really don't have to do this," Sam said. Gabe smiled and put Sam's leg back down.

"Yes, I really do," he said.

"Are you going to tell me the stories behind these bruises or what?" Gabe asked, scooting closer for better inspection.

"It's mostly kicking," he said as Gabriel studied him.

Gabe's eyes widened, "Kicking?"

"Yeah, if he's really upset, he kicks."

"What the fuck," Gabe breathed, "Don't you ever fight back?"

Sam shook his head. "No, I would never hurt someone I love," he said.

"But you don't love him."

"Yeah, but he doesn't know that. This is what happens when he thinks we are a happy, functional couple," Sam said, gesturing to the bruises, "If I fought back, he'd know the truth. I don't want to know what he'd do."

"Fair enough," Gabe said, "Wait…is that a bite mark?"

He was staring at Sam's shoulder. That one was pretty new. They'd been having sex, and Luci decided to try biting. He hadn't been expecting his boyfriend to break the skin like that, but thankfully, Luci didn't like how long the clean up took, so biting was no longer an option.

"Yeah," Sam answered, "You don't want to know."

Gabe said, "I bet I don't. Jesus. You've cleaned this, right?" Before Sam could answer, Gabriel retrieved rubbing alcohol, band-aids, and Neosporin from his bathroom. Gabe put some alcohol on the bite wound, and it stung like no other. Sam clenched his fist. At Gabriel's touch, the stinging lessened only to be replaced by fire and ecstasy. Sam really needed him to stop touching him.

"How are you not screaming right now?" Gabe asked as he moved onto the Neosporin.

Sam replied evenly, "I've made it a habit not to react to pain." Gabe covered the bite with two large band-aids, his hands leaving tingles as they smoothed the bandages. He turned Sam to face him. Heat spread through Sam's shoulders from Gabriel's hands.

"Dude," Gabe said, "What. The fuck." It took Sam a moment to realize he was talking about his lack of visible pain.

"Showing pain makes Luci make it worse," Sam said, looking at his lap. He knew how pathetic that sounded. Gabriel tilted Sam's head up, which sent Sam's heart racing, and made sure to lock eyes with him.

"If you hurt, you show it. I don't care how much you're used to dealing with. No holding out on me, okay?" Gabriel said. Sam tried to remember to breathe. He was so close to his face. He could so easily kiss Gabe. It would be effortless.

Sam pulled away quickly and said, "Okay." Gabe seemed satisfied.

He asked, "Any other war wounds?"

Sam nodded and motioned to his legs, "Just more bruising." He fought the urge to take off his pants just to see how Gabriel would react.

"I'm keeping these on," he said.

Gabriel smiled. "Okay," he said, sounding dejected.

Sam grinned and wished Gabe's disappointment was genuine.

"Anything else?" Gabe asked. Sam took Gabriel's hand and placed it gingerly on the right side of his head.

"That bump," Sam explained, "Was from a bookcase."

Gabe asked, worried, "You want ice for that?"

Sam shook his head, moving Gabriel's hand, "It's fine."

"I'm getting you ibuprofen," he said, returning to his bathroom. Sam just wanted Gabe's fingers in his hair again. If only all these touches were under different circumstances.

After Sam downed a couple pills, Gabe asked, "Is that it?" Even though he'd told Gabe he wouldn't hold out on him, he could not bring himself to tell him about the worst source of his pain.

"Yeah, that's it," Sam replied.

Gabriel smiled broadly, "So, now. Fun. What do you want to do?"

"I don't know," Sam said, pulling his shirt back on, "You have any ideas?"

"Oh, no. You're choosing," Gabe said, "This week is all about you."

After a moment, Sam suggested, "We could watch a movie."

He knew exactly what he wanted to do as he watched Gabriel's lips curl into a brilliant smile. He counted his blessings that, after all of this, he didn't have a boner.

"What kind of movies do you like?" Gabriel asked.

Sam said, "Well, I like Star Wars."

"Of course you do. Bet you like Lord of the Rings, too."

"Actually," Sam said, bracing himself for the usual reaction, "I haven't seen it."

"What? How? But—" Gabe sputtered.

Sam laughed a little. He'd been on the road with his dad and brother when the movies had first come out. They didn't have the money or time for watching movies back then.

Gabriel stood up and declared, "We are watching all three, back to back, right now." Sam stopped him.

"Are we gonna have time for that? It's almost 7 o'clock," he said.

Gabe sighed, "It's Saturday, Sam. It's not like we have a time limit. Look, I'll make popcorn, we'll watch the movies, it'll be great." He walked off to grab the Fellowship of the Ring first.

"So, where's your family?" Sam asked when Gabe came back, "I thought you said you lived with them."

Gabe nodded and threw a bag of popcorn in the microwave, "They live upstairs, Dad, Mike, and Raphy. This floor is all mine, though. Why, are you worried about interruptions?" He winked at Sam as he started the microwave.

Sam said, "No, more worried about people wondering why I'm in their house."

"I've had sleepovers before, Sam," Gabe said.

"Is this a sleepover?" Sam asked, confused.

The last time they'd had an impromptu sleepover, it hadn't ended very well. Or it had. Sam wasn't sure whether to categorize spooning as bad, because he wasn't spooning Luci, or good, because with Gabe it was a very, very good way to wake up.

"It can be if you're a light weight and pass out during the movies," Gabe replied.

As the night progressed, the popcorn was delicious, Gabe only called Sam "Samwise" a total of four times, he paused the movies multiple times to spout off trivia, he touched Sam way more than was necessary, Sam didn't mind the touching at all, and Gabe passed out on Sam's shoulder only a half hour into Return of the King.

Sam pulled the comforter over his sleeping friend after transferring him from his shoulder to his lap. He closed his eyes and hoped he wouldn't wake up cuddling Gabriel again.

But as he awoke in the morning to the Lord of the Rings title screen, Gabriel was spooning him, and he would've been lying if he said he was upset about it.


	12. Early Morning with the Moose

Over the next week, Dean barely saw Sam. He was always doing something with Gabriel. He'd either crawl in during the early morning or he wouldn't come home at all with a quick text to Dean telling him the change of plans. It would've been cute if it wasn't so annoying. He still wanted to talk to Sam about the shit happening with Cas. He was definitely more Team Gabriel than Team Luci, but he missed his brother.

And he needed to talk to Sam. He had taken Cas to Millennium Park like they'd eventually decided. It had started okay. Cas was really fun to hang out with. But it started snowing since it was early November in Chicago. Millennium Park in the snow made things way too romantic. It was the most date-like thing that was definitely not a date he'd ever done. And it was awesome. And if that wasn't the most frustrating thing. So, he needed to talk to Sam, but his brother was too busy with Gabriel to even answer his damn texts.

Finally, at three in the Friday morning, Sam got home. Dean hadn't been able to sleep since he kept having perfectly normal dreams that would eventually revolve around Cas in uncomfortable ways.

When Sam walked in, Dean was in the kitchen sipping coffee.

"Hey, Sam," he said, smiling as his brother jumped out of his skin.

"What the hell are you still doing up?" Sam asked.

"Can we talk?" Dean asked instead.

Sam sighed, "Can it wait? I'm kind of tired."

Dean swallowed his coffee and his pride.

"I think I've got a thing for Cas," he said quickly.

Sam joined Dean in the kitchen immediately, tossing his coat on the floor.

"We can talk," Sam said.

Dean didn't think he could bring himself to say anymore. Sam waited. He'd kind of already said it. What else was there to say? He thought he had a thing for Cas. This was the part where Sam should give advice or something. Dean went to clean his mug in the sink.

"Are you gonna talk or should we start playing twenty questions?" Sam asked with a grin. Dean shot him a look. It was hard enough admitting these things out loud without Sam's stupid sass.

"So, Cas," Sam said.

Dean sighed, "Yep."

"So, you like him. What's the problem?" Sam asked.

"What's the problem?" Dean asked, incredulous, "I just split with Lisa like a month and a half ago; if I do like him, it's because he could be a rebound; oh, and I'm straight." Sam sat at the table and motioned for Dean to take a seat. Maybe talking to Sam about this had been a bad idea. This felt like he was being set up for interrogation. He sat down anyway.

"Do you still have feelings for Lisa?" Sam asked. Dean paused. Sam didn't need to know how bad it he'd let that relationship get. But he had wanted to talk.

"No, I don't. It was bad for a while," he answered.

Sam smiled, "So that first thing really isn't a problem then."

Dean sighed, "Fine." Sam folded his hands together and sat up straighter.

"As for your sexuality…" he said.

Dean groaned, "Oh, no. We're not doing this. I'm not gay."

"Have you ever been attracted to another guy?" Sam pressed.

"Are you serious?" Dean asked, exasperated, "No, I've never been into another guy."

"Until now."

Dean sighed and ran his hand over his mouth and chin, "Yeah, I guess."

Sam fixed him with a skeptical look, "You guess?"

"Well, what do you want me to say, Sammy? I don't know what's wrong with me."

Sam shook his head, "Nothing's wrong with you. I think you're probably straight."

"But what about Cas?"

"Cas might just be an exception," Sam concluded, "Maybe you're Cas-sexual."

"Sam, what the hell?"

"What? It's the best guess I've got. You clearly like him, but it's just him. It fits. You come up with a better idea."

Dean stared at him. How was this his brother? Cas-sexual? Really?

"Now, what makes you think he'd be a rebound?" Sam asked. Honestly, it'd been because of how recently he'd left Lisa. But, while he did miss her, that wasn't what hurt. He missed Ben. He missed feeling like part of a family. Sure, he had Sam and Charlie and Dorothy, but it wasn't quite the same. He missed being in love.

"Cas would just be replacing Lisa and Ben," he said. He didn't admit how that would make Cas his new family. When had he gotten so close to Cas? They talked a lot, about everything, but he barely knew the guy.

"Oh, really," Sam said, disbelieving, "Describe Cas for me."

"You know him, why do you want me to—"

"Humor me."

"Cas," Dean said, vaguely aware of how good it felt to say his name, "He's, I dunno. He's about my height, a little shorter. He's got black hair, blue eyes, medium build. What do you want me to say about him?"

Sam said, "Tell me what he's like as a person."

"Umm…he's…" Dean thought about it. What was he like? He was amazing.

He said, "He's smart. He's really smart. I don't know how he knows half the stuff he does. And he's nice. Not like nice in a polite way but in a he-really-cares sorta way. I don't know. He's great."

Sam was grinning from ear to ear, the bastard.

"What?" Dean asked.

"Do you feel how much you're smiling right now?" Sam asked. Dean was fully aware of a grin he couldn't keep off his face. Dammit.

Sam said, "Oh, yeah. Cas is totally a rebound. No way you could really have feelings for him."

Dean rolled his eyes.

Then, Sam said, "It's too bad he's into you…since you can't like him and all."

"What?" Dean asked, a little too loud.

Sam burst out laughing.

"Dude, you've got it bad," he said between giggles. Did Cas actually like him? Was Sam just messing with him? Sam must've just been messing with him. There was no way Dean could be that lucky.

"Shut up, Sam," Dean said, "How's Gabriel, by the way?"

That shut him up.

"He's good," Sam said cautiously.

"Just good? What've you guys been doing, anyway?" Dean asked. Sam blushed hard and looked at the table.

"We've been hanging out," he said.

"That's it?"

"Yeah, Dean, that's it."

"But you want to do more than just hang out."

"Shut up," Sam said, fighting a grin. He couldn't hide his smile from Dean, though.

Dean tried not to think of the shy smile Cas had as they shared hot chocolate in Millennium Park. No dice. That smile was the cutest damn thing Dean could think of.

Sam laughed at Dean, "Dude, what's with the look?"

"What look?"

"That look."

"This is my face, Sam."

"You were thinking about something."

"So?"

"Thinking about what?"

Dean sighed, realizing that Sam wasn't going to stop, "About when Cas and I went to Millennium Park a few days ago, which was all your fault, bitch."

Sam's jaw dropped.

"Did you—was it a date?" he asked. Dean stopped him dead.

"No, it wasn't a date. We were just hanging out." He gave Sam a look which was only returned by a classic Sam Winchester bitch face. They both laughed.

"Could you imagine if Dad could see us right now?" Dean asked.

Sam laughed, "I'd rather not. You remember how nuts he got over Brady?"

"Well, you'd always brought girls over before that. It was a bit of a shock," Dean said.

"Okay, fine," Sam said, "Then, he'd be yelling at us to get up and go get them if that's what we wanted instead of sitting here like girls trying to figure out our own feelings."

"Oh, so, we're both feeling like girls here?" Dean laughed.

Sam sighed, "Shut up, Dean."

"What? You got me talking about Cas, but I don't get to hear about Gabriel? How is that fair?" Dean asked, mock-offended.

Sam laughed, "Life's not fair, anyone who says differently is selling something." Dean was so very done with Sam's sass.

"Don't quote the Princess Bride at me," he said, tone becoming slightly more serious, "Just—Do you like him?"

"I'm dating Luci, Dean," Sam protested.

Dean nodded and leaned back in the chair, "I know, I know. It's your life. But if Gabriel makes you happy and Luci doesn't and you ditched Luci for Gabriel, I wouldn't be heartbroken. That's all I'm saying." Sam nodded slowly, the smile gone from his face. Dean knew there was a lot Sam wasn't saying.

"Okay, I get you don't want to talk about it, but I'll try to listen if you ever do," Dean said.

Sam met Dean's eyes and said, "Try? Really, Dean?"

"Well," Dean said with a smirk, "I can't promise anything if you start getting all mushy on me." Sam shoved Dean in the arm with a smile and stood up.

"I'm going to bed. Gabe and I were walking around a lot today, so I'm beat," Sam said.

"Is that what the kids are calling it?" Dean asked.

"Shut up, Dean," Sam replied.

Before Sam left for his room, he said, "Dean, you should really ask out Cas."

"I don't know, Sam," Dean said.

Sam said quickly, "Your life. But seriously. Do it."

"Goodnight, Sam."

"You could really be happy with him."

"Okay, Sam. Go to bed."

"Seriously, Dean."

Dean got up and walked to his room.

He said, "Goodnight" and closed his door.

Surprisingly, Dean went to sleep rather quickly despite the coffee. His tolerance of caffeine was getting too high as well. Within seconds of closing his eyes, he could feel Cas' arms around him and dreamt of those lips pressing prayers into his skin.


	13. Life Sucks

Two days after his talk with Dean, Sam tried to forget the week he'd had with Gabriel. Luci was coming back. He needed to forget all that fun and return to his old life. He'd known that taste of freedom was dangerous.

Sunday night, Sam sat with his arm draped over Luci's shoulders while they watched an episode of Stargate-SG1. Even though it was the first time Daniel died in the series, Luci seemed particularly bored.

"So, what did you do last week?" he asked.

Sam said, "Just hung out with Dean at home."

Sam went back to watching the show in silence. As everyone on the show needlessly saluted at Daniel's first funeral, Luci slotted a hand between Sam's thighs. Sam tried to ignore him and focus harder on the TV.

"C'mon, Sam," his boyfriend whined, "You don't pay attention to me anymore. Talk to me, Sam."

"Is talking what you're really after?" Sam asked, gesturing to Luci's hand on his crotch. His boyfriend smiled impishly. Sam rolled his eyes.

"Can't it wait until later?" he asked, waving his hand at the TV as they revealed Daniel was indeed not dead but being held captive by an alien, "It's getting to the good part."

"But, Sam…you're not going to be in the mood later," Luci complained.

"I'm not in the mood now."

"I can fix that."

"Then, you can fix it after this episode." Luci moved on the couch to straddle Sam's hips, effectively blocking the television.

He fixed Sam with an alarmingly cold stare and said, "You know, if you really cared about me, this wouldn't even be an issue."

Sam knew it would only get worse from here. Sure, he'd seen this episode before, so he wouldn't be missing anything. But he really didn't want to have sex with Luci. Still, Sam knew if he didn't relent now, Luci would start moping. That moping would only be curable with sex. If he just left Luci to his sulking—well, Sam still had an ache in his back from the last time he'd tried that.

"You're right," Sam said, "I've seen this episode anyway."

Luci hopped off of his lap happily and said, "Wonderful. Bedroom, then?" Sam's boyfriend dragged him off the couch and down the narrow hall much rougher than was necessary. He knew he was in for it just for being reluctant about having sex. Especially after Luci had been gone for a week. He swallowed his fear and prayed he hadn't angered Luci too much.

This is what he was afraid to tell Gabe about. Sex with Luci wasn't fun, it wasn't nice. It was painful. It usually left Sam bleeding. There were times where he couldn't sit for days. It was one thing to be bruised and beaten, it was another to admit complacency about what was usually coerced sex. It was a level of shame that he would never be comfortable with. Nothing made him hate himself more. But going with it was easier. Not saying anything was safer.

He shoved Sam onto the bed and proceeded to search for his strap-on. Sam knew better than to protest. Sam knew better than to ask why Luci didn't just get gender reassignment surgery. He knew there would be little to no prepping, and no lube. He knew he wouldn't be able to sit for days. He knew he was a coward for not breaking things off with the man who got such pleasure from hurting him. And that was why he knew he deserved this. He took off his pants and thought about walking around the city with Gabriel, watching Lord of the Rings with Gabriel, trying to convince Gabriel to go skating. He tried to think about anything else.

If he was a better person, he'd leave. But he wasn't, so he didn't and wouldn't deserve any better if he did. Still, as Sam choked down his cries of pain, he couldn't help but imagine soft hands, caramel hair, and amber eyes calming him and soothing him through it all.


	14. I'm Sorry

Dean walked with Cas after class towards Dean's apartment.

"How have you not watched Doctor Who?" Dean asked, shocked to no end. This was completely inexcusable. Cas, his lovely best friend, had not seen a dalek or a sonic screwdriver or Gallifrey. Unacceptable. Cas only shrugged in response.

Dean said, "We're watching it when we get home."

He froze.

"My place," he corrected, "When we get to my place."

Cas smiled at him, his heart stopped, and his phone rang.

"Sorry," Dean said to Cas as he answered his phone.

"Hello?" he said into his phone.

"Dean," Lisa said, "Thank god. I didn't think you'd answer." Cas glanced at Dean as he felt the blood drain from his face. Lisa. Oh, God.

"Lisa," he replied, half to answer Cas' questioning gaze and half to say something to Lisa without actually saying anything. Cas nodded, his smile faltering slightly.

"I'll meet you at your place," he said.

Dean mouthed "Thank you" as Lisa said, "Listen, Dean. We need to talk."

Dean watched Cas walk away and asked, "About what?"

"Us."

Dean's stomach dropped. He ran his hand through his hair and turned around on the sidewalk.

"Lis—" he said.

She interrupted, "You should come over. We should really talk in person." He started walking away from his apartment. He could see Ben. He walked faster.

"No," he said.

She sighed, "Dean." He couldn't handle seeing Ben. He didn't want to know what Lisa told him about why Dean wasn't around. He just wanted to let go.

"No," he said, "Just tell me what you have to say."

"Dean, it would be better in person—"

"Tell me. It's hard enough talking to you without drawing it out," he said. He couldn't go to Lisa's. He wouldn't be able to handle it, and he knew it.

"Fine. I want to get back together."

Dean walked faster, tempted to break into an all-out run. His head spun. He couldn't do that. He'd have his family back. It wasn't worth it. He had a family, didn't he? He'd see Ben. No, he'd hurt Ben. He and Lisa would fall apart.

At his silence, she said, "It was good to take a break, but we can work through this." No, they couldn't. It'd be something else, something completely different, but something would break them. No matter what they did, the end would come again and again.

"No," Dean said.

"But, Dean," she said, pleading, "We're family."

Dean shut his eyes and stopped. He leaned against the nearest building. Normally, that would've gotten him to say yes. But nothing was normal anymore. And his family was at his apartment waiting to watch Doctor Who with him whether he knew he was family or not. Whether Dean thought of him as more than a friend or not.

"I said no, Lisa," he said, proud of the strength in his voice. If his heart was taking, his words would have waivered much more.

He snapped his phone shut and resisted throwing it against the sidewalk. As he got back to walking, he realized just how raw he felt. He was a walking nerve ending. Much too raw to see Cas yet. He still wasn't sure about telling him how he felt. The possibility of rejection scared him more than his feelings at this point. Still, it stopped him from coming clean.

He texted Cas quickly, "Everything's fine. I need to relax for a bit. Be there in an hour. Sorry." He felt bad, but he figured it was better than leaving him hanging. Hopefully, Sam would play host for a bit. And Charlie liked Cas enough. God, he needed a drink. Without waiting for a reply, he headed for the Roadhouse.

Three drinks in, Benny sat down with Dean at his unusually empty booth.

"How's it goin, brother?" he asked. His voice was filled with southern nonchalance, but Dean wasn't quite drunk enough to miss the note of concern.

"It's going," Dean replied, taking a large gulp of beer.

"Surprised to see you on your own," Benny said, "Trouble at home?"

Dean shook his head, "They don't know I'm here."

"Ah, well, that'd explain it," Benny replied. He nodded to Jo behind the bar. She scooted around Bobby and Ellen, where they were wiping mugs, and grabbed the phone off the wall.

"The hell, Benny?" Dean asked.

His friend sat back and said, "Only time you come in here by yourself drinking is if you're hurting bad. Your family don't know you're here? Something's wrong, and brother, I ain't watching you do this to yourself."

Dean grumbled and sipped his drink. He ordered a round of shots while he waited for Sam to drag him home. Benny sat with him in silence. It was a comfortable quiet. He could tell Benny was willing to listen if Dean wanted to talk.

He wanted to tell Benny about Lisa calling, about missing Ben, about liking Cas, about how things with Lisa slowly died, about how he didn't think he could hold a stable relationship with anyone, and even about how much he missed his dad. But he didn't. Honestly, no one needed to know this stuff. This was his shit, he'd deal with it.

It came as a serious shock to a slightly tipsy Dean when Cas, not Sam, was directed to him by Jo. Benny got up, squeezed Dean's shoulder, and went to talk with Ellen and Jo, giving Cas and Dean some space. Maybe he knew that Dean would talk to Cas. Maybe he knew Dean had feelings for Cas. Either way, he desperately wanted Benny to stay. He didn't want to have this conversation. Cas' electric blue eyes were already on Dean in a too intense way.

"What's going on, Dean?" Cas asked. There was edge to Cas' voice that Dean couldn't place. But it was hard and dangerous.

"Lisa called," Dean explained.

"I know. I was there."

"It sucked."

"So you get drunk," Cas said, "And ditch me. Makes perfect sense." Dean put his drink on the table and sighed in frustration. He didn't need this. He felt bad enough.

"You don't get it, Cas," Dean said. Cas moved around the table to sit next to Dean.

He said, "Explain it to me." His blue eyes were on fire. Like lightning filled his irises. Dean swallowed. They were sitting very close. He tried to function.

"She wanted to get back together," Dean said, "But I can't." Cas seemed to visibly soften. That was just unfair. Dean was on the verge of sitting on his hands just so he wouldn't reach out and touch him.

"Why?" Cas asked.

"Why what?"

"Why didn't you take her back?" he asked.

Cas really needed to stop staring at him like that. He tried to focus on Jo, Ellen, Bobby, and Benny over at the bar.

"I don't love her anymore," Dean said, "I've told you that."

Cas nodded, "Yes, but I know how much you miss Ben." Dean reached for his drink, but Cas stopped him. He placed his hand over Dean's and held the bottle to the table.

"Don't drink," Cas said, "Talk to me."

He was struggling too much with breathing to worry about talking. Cas kept his hand over Dean's.

Dean replied finally, "Yeah, I miss Ben, but Lisa and I don't work. It'd just hurt him."

"How do you know?" Cas asked. Was Cas telling him to get back together with Lisa? That's definitely how Dean was hearing it.

"Can I have this?" Dean asked, moving his hand beneath Cas' to indicate the beer.

Cas said, "No. Talking, not drinking." Dean tried to give Cas a frustrated expression, but it was half-hearted at best.

"I hurt everything," Dean answered, "Ben is no exception." Cas' hand was warm and rough and was giving Dean's dreams even more ammunition. He wanted those hands on him.

"No, you don't. You haven't hurt me," Cas said evenly.

"Yet," Dean added.

Cas took Dean's hand from the beer bottle and wrapped it in his. Why was he doing this? Cas held Dean's hand in both of his and met his eyes with such sincerity that Dean almost looked away.

"I don't think you'll hurt me, Dean," Cas said softly. He couldn't do this. They were so close. Their legs were almost touching.

"Cas," Dean said, trying to keep some composure. He knew it. He couldn't do it. He reached his free hand up to Cas' face. He brushed a thumb over his cheek as he cradled his friend's face.

"I'm sorry," Dean said. He leaned in a caught Cas in a full deep kiss.

Dean was sorry. He was sorry for being a shitty friend. He was sorry he had feelings for Cas. It meant he was going to hurt him, and he was sorry for that, too. He was sorry for being a part of Cas' life at all. He pulled his hand free of Cas', which had gone slack presumably from shock, and ran his hand through Cas' hair. He was sorry he wasn't the person Castiel deserved.

Cas broke the kiss first. Dean's hazy mind screamed at him. What the fuck did he just do? It had to have been something awesome since his lips were still tingling deliciously. Did he really just—

Reality came crashing in. He kissed Cas. Oh God. Cas stared at him, eyes full of shock and confusion. Ohgodohgodohgodohgodohgodohgod.

"Dean," Cas said. The depth of his voice was too much. He kissed Cas. He hadn't even told him how he felt. And he just went and…holy shit.

"I'm sorry," Dean said again, quickly. He kissed Cas, and he'd ruined everything. Like always. Shit. He got up from the table and all but ran out the door.


	15. It's Okay

Sam walked slowly and carefully down the dark Chicago street. Every step was a new definition of pain and shame. But he couldn't stay at Luci's. He'd barely kept from crying before he had the chance to leave. God, he hated himself. He hated this. Walking home was the worst when he felt like every second would rip him apart. He knew there were new bruises from Luci's hands on his back. It would be better if he could go down an alley and disappear entirely. Why did this happen? He remembered a time too long ago when Luci wanted to make Sam happy. He'd tried to make sex feel good. Now, it was all a power play and that power play made Sam fight wincing with each stride. His backside was on fire, his legs were wobbly with muscles protesting such abuse, and he was exhausted to the point of collapsing in the street. But he needed to get home. He needed to try to sleep and forget everything. So, he slowly kepy walking just like he always did every time this happened.

"Sam?" came a voice. The sound of his name ran down his spine like honey, and fear clenched his chest. Gabriel could not see him like this. He could barely walk, he'd been crying the whole way, and his shame was enough to kill him. Gabe caught up to Sam easily.

"Hey, Sam. Wow, we have got to stop meeting like this," he said, clapping a hand on Sam's back. He hadn't seen Sam's face yet. He had no idea anything was wrong until Sam flinched from his touch. Sam tried not to, but he flinched anyway. All the humor left Gabe's face.

"Are you okay?" he asked. Sam nodded, not trusting his voice enough to use it. Gabe stopped Sam from walking with a hand on his chest. Sam tried to turn away from him. Gabriel gripped Sam's forearms to stop him.

"What's going on, Sam?" he asked. Sam looked at his shoes. He couldn't tell him. He didn't want Gabe to see his tear stained face.

"I hurt," he answered, not wanting to lie to Gabriel. His voice was thick with tears like he feared. It made Gabe tilt his face up.

"Sam, what's going on?" Gabe repeated. He couldn't tell him. He couldn't admit to how damaged he was. Gabe already had enough reason to be done with Sam. Gabe's eyes were filled with fear and concern, and it was killing Sam.

"I can't," Sam managed to get out.

"What?" Gabe asked, "What can't you do?"

Sam sighed through his tears and turned away from Gabriel. Gabe walked after him.

"Hey, Sam, c'mon. No holding out on me, remember?" he said. Sam shook his head. Why was Gabe even here? Why did he keep wasting his time on Sam? Gabe took Sam's hand.

"Come on," Gabe said, beckoning him into the nearest alley. Gabriel's hand felt too good to ignore. His gentle touch was such a contrast from Luci, Sam could barely handle it. Sam hugged Gabe tightly once they were in the alley.

"Gabe," he said, trying not to cry into his friend's hair, "Thank you." Gabriel hugged him back and rubbed Sam's back slowly and softly.

"Are you okay, Sam?" he asked. Sam tried desperately to stop crying, but answering Gabe made all the pain so much worse. No, he was really very much not okay. And it was all his fault. Dammit, he was so stupid. He sobbed into Gabe's shoulder.

Gabe kept rubbing Sam's back and said, "I'll take that as a no." He took a step back from Sam but kept a hand on his shoulder.

"You should sit and relax for a sec," Gabe said.

Sam shook his head, "I can't." Gabe cocked his head to the side at him. Sam had finally cried himself out and gingerly kneeled. It was the closest he could get to sitting without causing extra pain. Gabe crouched to be at level with Sam.

"Sam?" he asked, scared, "What happened?"

"What always happens," Sam answered.

"Where were you before I ran into you?"

"Luci's."

"What did he do?" Sam willed himself not to start crying again. Gabriel sat on the ground and patted the concrete next to him.

He hesitated. If he protested more, Gabe would figure it out, he was sure. But if he sat, it would hurt worse than what he could probably hold in. Sitting next to Gabe sounded like the better option, though. If anything was going to make him feel better, it was being closer to Gabriel.

He sat down next to his friend and couldn't help crying out. Pain shot up his tailbone and back.

"Sam?!" Gabe asked in alarm. Sam nodded and gripped Gabe's leg.

"I'm fine," Sam said, even though he was so clearly not fine. Gabriel gave him an unamused look, but it was soon replaced with one of sad understanding.

"Oh, Sam. I'm sorry," he said.

Sam shook his head, "It's fine."

"Did he—? How did—? Was it—? Are you okay?" Gabe asked. He reached for Sam's hand, and Sam met him halfway.

"Yeah," Sam said, "I'll be okay." Gabriel put his arm around Sam and pulled him closer. Sam rested his head on Gabe's shoulder.

"You know," Gabe said quietly, "If I don't punch Lucifer in the face at some point, I'm going to be very disappointed." Sam chuckled softly.

After a few minutes, Gabriel said, "It is fucking cold. We can go to my place if you want. Can you get up?"

Sam looked up at Gabe and nodded.

"Are you sure?" he asked. He didn't want to intrude on Gabe's place every time he had a bad day. Gabe slowly, carefully, helped Sam to his feet. Sam didn't want to let go of Gabriel's hand.

Gabe smiled, "Of course. I love having you at my place. Just make sure you text Dean since you should really stay the night." Sam nodded, thankful for the reminder, and pulled out his phone.

Almost to Gabriel's house, he turned to Sam and said, "I get why you didn't tell me. You can tell me anything, you know."

Sam smiled, "Yeah, I'm seeing that."

As they got to the door, Gabriel asked, "Was it consensual?" Sam stared at Gabe. There was no judgment, no pity, just concern.

"Barely," he admitted.

Gabe nodded, opened the door for Sam, and said, "Yep. Gotta punch that big bag of dicks right in the mouth." Once inside, Sam felt a little weird going from one guy's place to another. But being at Gabe's felt right. Being at Luci's didn't. He ignored the awkward feeling.

Sam lay down on the futon with his head in Gabe's lap. He started to fall asleep when Gabriel started running his fingers through Sam's hair. Sam almost moaned.

"I'm sorry," Gabe said, removing his hands quickly, "You should sleep."

"No, it's okay. It's kind of comforting," Sam said. Gabe quickly resumed raking his hands through Sam's long hair.

"You should know," Gabe muttered sleepily, "I'm sorry you're going through all this. I hate that you hurt all the time. You're my best friend, I care about you, and if you wanted to leave Luci, I'd help you however I can."

Sam nodded on Gabe's lap and said, "Thanks." But Gabe knew as well as he did that ditching Luci wasn't in the cards. And a new reason was starting to take root.

Sam worried about what Luci would do if he knew where he was right then. If Luci hurt Gabriel, Sam didn't know what he'd do. And Luci would hurt Gabriel if Sam left, because Sam would leave Luci if Gabe wanted to be with him. He knew it. He fell asleep with Gabriel hypnotically stroking his hair and wishing for a life that would let him be in love with his best friend.


	16. Evasive Maneuvers

What the hell was he going to do? Why did he always fuck up everything? What on earth possessed him to kiss Cas? He stared up at his bedroom ceiling and wished he had a damn time machine. He'd go back and punch his past self in the face for even thinking about kissing Cas. Dorothy knocked on Dean's door.

"Are you home?" she asked through the door. Dean opened it to see Dorothy leaning against the wall in the hallway.

"Hi," he said. Dorothy sighed, "What are you doing here, Dean? It's Wednesday."

"So?"

"School?"

Dean rolled his eyes.

"Can't," he said. He noticed how tired his roommate looked. He opened his door wider.

He asked, "Wanna sit down?" She nodded hesitantly and sat on his bed.

"So, why aren't you at school?" Dean asked, joining her on his memory foam mattress.

"Sick," she said, "Charlie made me stay home. What's your real excuse?"

"Didn't feel like going."

It wasn't a lie. He'd rather have watched his Impala get smashed all over again than face Cas at school after kissing him last night.

His phone rang from under his pillow. Dean grabbed it, saw who was calling, and popped the battery out. If he wanted to talk to Cas, he would've gone to school. Dorothy raised her eyebrows at him and his cell phone battery.

"Long story," he said.

She nodded and said, "You got any plans today?" He shook his head. After ruining the best friendship he'd ever had, Dean just wanted to curl up in bed and sleep. Cas probably hated him by now, anyway. He'd taken their friendship and broke it in half. Why did he have to break everything? He was so stupid.

"Want to binge watch two seasons of Sherlock with me?" Dorothy asked, "Charlie keeps telling me that I have to experience it, and I have nothing better to do."

He shrugged, "Sure."

She smiled and coughed into her elbow harshly.

"Want some hot chocolate?" he asked her. She nodded and followed him out to the TV and the couch. He tossed her a blanket and made some hot chocolate.

After the gripping cliffhanger of season one, Dean also made some popcorn and more hot chocolate. It bothered Dean how much Sherlock and John reminded him of him and Cas.

At the end of watching Sherlock for nine hours straight, Dean, Dorothy, Charlie, and Sam all stared at the TV in awe. Charlie and Dorothy were holding hands.

Sam sat back and said, "Well, shit."

"What the hell?" Dean said, getting up from the couch to stretch, "How could he have survived that? How could they just end the season like that?"

"John should at least know what's going on," Sam said, shooting Dean a look.

"What?" Dean asked. He hadn't done anything to Sam to deserve a look like that.

"Some of us went to school today, Dean," Sam said evenly, "Cas says hi, by the way."

Oh.

How much did Cas tell Sam?

Charlie and Dorothy looked between them.

"What happened with Cas?" Charlie asked.

Dean shook his head, "I don't want to talk about it." He was so stupid. Dean retreated to his room. Sam followed him.

"Leave me alone, Sam," Dean warned. He really didn't want to talk about it. And the only person he wanted to talk to would never look at him the same way again. Those blue eyes would haunt him.

Sam said sternly, "You have to talk to him."

"And say what?" he asked. He had a momentary lapse in judgment? He handled his feelings that he hadn't told Cas about in the worst way possible? Yeah, that'd go over well.

"I'd start with the truth," Sam said, "Seriously. Call him, text him, I don't care. Just do something."

Dean sighed, "I'll do something." It was quite unfortunate that he had no intention of doing anything other than avoiding Cas for as long as possible. He supposed that counted as something.

Sam fixed him with a hard stare.

"You'd better," he said, "Cas is my friend, too, Dean, and he deserves better than this."

Dean nodded. He knew that. Cas deserved better than Dean. He deserved so much more. He should never have kissed Cas. They could still be friends, Cas could find someone worth his affection, and Dean could be happy for him. Kissing Cas shot that all to hell. Now, Cas would know friendship wasn't enough. He'd want nothing to do with Dean. At best, things would be unbearably awkward and die that way.

And the next day at school, he was right. He wouldn't have gone to school, but Charlie all but physically dragged him to campus. His first class wasn't too bad. Cas didn't take Criminology, so it served as a good hiding spot for an hour and a half.

Afterward, the school was a minefield. Cas was waiting for him outside of his class. Luckily, Den saw him through the window before walking out the door and managed to duck and hide in a throng of chattering students.

This wouldn't have been necessary if he hadn't been so fucking stupid. And the kiss was so intimate. Dean couldn't shut his eyes without feeling Cas' lips against his. If he had just kept it a small, closed mouth, peck of a kiss, he could probably have gotten away with saying it was because he was drunk. There was no way that lie would stand given how it all went down. He hadn't even been that drunk.

His next class was more interesting. Balthazar stood outside the classroom door like a sentinel. He was definitely there on Cas' orders. Dean tried to slip passed him next to another student, but Balthazar grabbed Dean's jacket and stopped him.

"What the hell do you think you're doing?" Balthazar asked quietly.

Dean answered, "Going to class." Maybe playing innocent would work.

The blonde man pulled him down a hallway and asked sharply, "What the hell do you think you're doing with Castiel?"

"We're just friends," Dean said.

Balthazar rolled his eyes, "Friends don't dodge each other like bloody pansies. Now, you're going to tell me precisely why Cassie would have me tailing you and ditching my own classes without even saying why."

"He didn't tell you?" Dean asked. Of course not. He was probably ashamed of the whole thing. Dammit, Dean really knew how to screw things up.

"No, he didn't," Balthazar snapped, "But he's been walking around like someone hit his puppy with a car. Tell me what the fuck is going on."

Dean sighed, "I can't talk to him."

"Why the bloody hell not?"

Dean knew there were only two outcomes from what he did. Either he'd be with Cas or he wouldn't. If he wasn't with Cas, they wouldn't be able to be friends, not after how stupid Dean was, and that would hurt too much. But if by some miracle, Cas did have feelings for Dean, and they would be together, it would only be a matter of time until Dean did something stupid again. He'd hurt Cas, and that would be utterly unbearable.

"Because I fucked everything up," he answered. He practically ran down the hall to get away from Balthazar. Unfortunately, his professor had a come-on-time-or-not-at-all policy, and he needed a place to hide. Any minute now, Sam or Gabriel would corner him and interrogate him about Cas. He needed to go somewhere that no one would ever expect him to be.

Ten minutes later, he walked passed the reference desk in the library. Quickly, he headed to the third floor. The first floor was mainly a lounge area, definitely not secluded enough. The second floor was a large computer lab that almost every student used. He'd be an open target. But the third floor. The third floor was the archives and some old newspapers. It was always a ghost town. No one would ever think to look for him there. He could kill an hour sitting around the archives. Maybe he'd take a nap.

As he got to the silent, empty floor, Dean realized a nap was just not going to happen. In the glass room that was the archives, there was Cas pouring over a box of old documents with his head in his hands. He carefully turned over each page, but his heart wasn't in it. He must have read the same aged letter ten times, getting more frustrated with each flip. Cas was so intent on his work, Dean didn't even worry about being seen.

Cas was just completely and effortlessly beautiful, so Dean watched him work. Cas' black hair and his pale kin were striking. His hair being so messy only added to the effect. His soft lips moved in small whispers as he read and reread the document. His hands were so very careful with the paper, like he was touching it with the utmost reverence. His focus was nothing short of endearing. He was perfect. Dean knew without having been to the archives before that this was Cas' element.

Every instinct told Dean to walk in there and tell Cas everything. He couldn't stand not talking to him. At the very least, he could apologize for that kiss again. But at the same time, he didn't want to disturb his friend. Or hurt him more.

Suddenly, an alarm on Dean's phone went off to remind him of a test in his history class. Shit. Cas looked up from the archives at the sound, seeing Dean for the first time. He hurried out of the room to where Dean was standing. But Dean couldn't talk to him. He ran from the third floor, from the library, and from Cas. This was not one of his prouder moments.

He couldn't afford to miss the history class, and Cas was undoubtedly going to be there. This would be one of the trickiest evasive maneuvers he'd ever pulled. But he had to do it.

There were only two ways this could end. Either they'd be together or they wouldn't. Either option would be painful for someone. So, until he found a new ending, he had no intention of talking to Cas. If he was being an ass, fine. At least he was hurting Cas now instead of later when more feelings and damaged would be involved.

He made sure to sit in the front between a girl he didn't know and a wall. Cas didn't like talking in class, but Dean didn't want to chance sitting next to him anyway. This was sparing Cas pain in the long run. It was for the best.

After probably failing the test, Dean rushed out of the classroom, ran passed a confused Cas, and left the campus.

He heard Cas shout after him, "Dean, wait!"

But he didn't.

And when Cas showed up at Dean's apartment looking for him, he hopped down the fire escape instead of facing his friend. He would hurt Cas either way. And he just couldn't deal with that.

So, he didn't.


	17. Troubleshooting

"Dean, I swear to all that is holy, if you do not pick up that phone and call Cas, I will physically drag you to his dorm," Sam shouted.

"He lives on campus?" Dean asked.

"Oh, for the love of—" Sam said, frustrated, "He lives in Balthazar's dorm most of the time unless they are doing a floor inspection. Then, he lives with Benny for a few days while Garth and Balthazar pass inspection. How the hell are you guys friends if you don't know this, Dean? Jesus."

Sam shoved Dean onto the couch and pushed him down again when he protested. He held out a phone to his brother, which Dean, of course, refused to take.

"Don't make me dial for you," he threatened.

"I can't talk to him."

"Then, tell me what happened so I can help," Sam pleaded.

The doorbell rang. Dean started to get up when Sam stopped him. Like hell Dean was escaping because someone wanted to be buzzed in. He threw the phone at Dean. This was really getting ridiculous.

"Stay put," Sam said, "This is not over."

Sam pressed the intercom without taking his eyes off of his brother. Dean glared at him from the couch but he didn't care. What the hell had happened between Dean and Cas? It wasn't often that his brother got so stubborn Sam had to prepare to tackle him to the ground if he tried to get up. And even though Sam was at the intercom by the door didn't mean he was ready to take Dean down in a moment's notice.

"Hello?" he said into the speaker.

"Hey, it's Gabe," was the reply. Sam's breath caught slightly.

Dean laughed, "Oh, yeah. This is definitely over. I'll leave you to it." Sam buzzed Gabe in and shoved Dean back on the couch.

"No, it's not. Gabe can help with this if need be. Just tell me what the hell happened."

"I kissed him, okay?" Dean said as Gabe walked through the door. Well, that certainly explained some stuff.

Gabe came forward and asked, "Am I interrupting something?" Sam took a step back from Dean.

"No," Sam said, "Dean kissed Cas. That's why they aren't talking."

"What?" Gabe asked, shocked, "You kissed him and now you're ignoring him? What the hell, Winchester?"

"It's for the best," Dean said. Gabriel plopped next to Dean on the couch, and Sam tried so very hard not to stare as his gorgeous friend sunk into the cushions. More important things were happening. Sam pulled up a folding chair in front of the couch.

"Okay," he said, "Tell me exactly what happened in detail."

"C'mon, Sam. What the hell?" Dean protested.

Gabe sighed, "I, for one, would like to know why you're giving my friend the silent treatment if you were the one to kiss him."

Dean stayed silent. Sam tried to let his hostility drop. If Dean was going to talk, it had to be his idea.

Sam said, "Think of your resources here. You've got Cas' friend and your brother offering to help with your situation. We're probably the best qualified people to help you. We just need to know the details."

Dean took a moment and eyed Sam and Gabe. Sam could practically see Dean's mind calculating Sam's logic. He just wanted to see Dean and Cas happy, and he'd never seen them happier than when they were around each other. All Cas had told him was that Dean was avoiding him and that Cas needed to talk to him about something. Being out of the loop really sucked.

"Alright," Dean said, "If you can help me, fine. Lisa called and Cas came here, I went to the Roadhouse, Cas come to get me, I kissed him and panicked and left."

"Who's Lisa?" Gabe asked.

"Dean's ex," Sam said quickly, "What'd she call for?"

"She wanted to get back together," Dean sighed. He slouched back against the couch.

Sam asked, "And?"

"And I said no," Dean said, "It didn't work with her twice. I'm not that stupid. And there's Cas…well, I guess that doesn't matter now."

"Holy shit, Dean," Sam said at the same time Gabe said, "Of course it matters." Sam and Gabriel shared a look that not only told Sam they were both wondering about the same question but that Sam had to be the one to ask it.

Sam took a breath and asked, "Does Cas know why Lisa called?"

Dean nodded.

"Does he know he's part of the reason why you turned her down?"

He shook his head, "No. At the time, I didn't want him to know how I feel about him."

"So, you kissed him?" Gabriel asked.

"Shut up," Dean said, "I wasn't planning on it. It just sorta happened."

"You need to talk to him, Dean," Sam said, "You kissed him after you rejected Lisa. I don't want to know what he must think right now."

"I can't," Dean said. Sam heard the pain in his brother's voice when he said it. He knew Dean wouldn't be doing this if he didn't think there was a good reason. But his brother did have his moments of being just so completely wrong.

"Why the fuck not?" Gabe asked, appalled.

Dean turned to Gabe and said, "You're starting to get as obnoxious as Luci, you know that?"

"Don't you ever—" Gabe started.

Sam tapped Gabriel's foot with his own to cut him off. When Gabe looked at him, Sam met him with a small smile and a sharp gaze, the smile to let him know he was okay and the stare to tell him to shut up about it. Dean didn't know about Luci, so it was perfectly fine for him to make comments like that without knowing the full weight of it. There was no reason to tell Dean the truth about Luci, especially when this was about him and Cas. Plus, he knew Dean was only lashing out, because he wouldn't let his guard down around Gabriel. He barely let his guard down with Sam.

"Gabe," Sam said, "Can I talk to my brother alone for a minute?"

Gabe nodded, saying, "I'll be in your room."

When Sam heard Gabriel shut his door, he looked at Dean, "You know he's just concerned about Cas."

"Don't defend your boyfriend," Dean said with a teasing smile.

"He's not—" Sam said quickly, "Shut up. Why can't you talk to Cas?"

Sam was alarmed by how quickly the façade dropped. Dean looked at him, smile gone, eyes tight, and Sam realized just how scared his brother really was.

"I'm going to hurt him, Sammy," he said quietly.

"And you're not now?"

"No," Dean said, "Not like I could. If we were together, I'd hurt him just like I hurt Lisa and Ben and Cassie and everyone else I've ever cared about. And I just can't—I can't hurt Cas like that." And just as soon as they came down, Dean's walls went right back up.

"Dean, you don't know—" Sam started.

"Yeah, I do," Dean interrupted, "I need some fresh air."

Sam watched him leave and slam the door. Dean was more messed up over Lisa than he thought. He had no idea how to help his brother. Cas was probably the only person who could help him. Sam got up and joined Gabriel in his room.

"Hey," Sam said.

Gabe smiled, "Good to know it wasn't you that stormed out."

Sam sat next to Gabe on his bed.

"Dean needed some fresh air. I hope he cools off soon. It's kind of late, and he really doesn't know how to come in quietly," he said. He looked at Gabriel and was surprised to see his friend without a smile on his face.

"Is he gonna be okay out this late on his own?" Gabe asked.

Sam laughed, "Dean? Yeah, he'll be fine. If anyone tried to jump Dean, it'd be their funeral." Both Dean and Sam were both excellent fighters and were pretty good with most weaponry because of living with their father on the road for so long. This was something Sam was reluctant to share with anyone, though, even Gabriel. After a moment, Sam noticed Gabriel was unusually quiet.

"You know Dean didn't mean what he said about Luci, right?" Sam asked.

Gabe nodded, "Yeah. He doesn't know enough to mean it that way anyway."

"I still can't believe he kissed Cas," Sam muttered. Gabe vaguely nodded agreement, but he seemed a little far away.

"Hey, Gabe, are you okay?" Sam asked. Gabe didn't respond.

Sam tried, "Is there a reason you came over tonight?" It hadn't dawned on Sam until just then that Gabriel may have come over for something other than forcing Dean to talk. Gabe hesitated to reply.

"Can you tell me about your family?" Gabe asked instead.

"Why?" Sam asked.

Gabe sighed, "I would like to hear about a functional family for once."

Sam chuckled softly, "Sorry, Gabe. No dice with me. It's just me and Dean. Mom died when I was a baby. Dad and I were never close. You've met my whole family. In fact, he just walked out the door."

Gabriel nodded slowly.

"What's up?" Sam asked, thoroughly concerned now. Gabe was clearly not himself.

He sighed, "I came over, because my dad's been going at my brothers. Normally, I can handle hearing the muffled yelling, but— how honest do you want me to be right now?"

"Tell me everything," Sam said quickly. This being completely open thing had to be a two way street.

Gabe nodded, "Alright. I don't live in my own flat by choice. My dad and I haven't spoken in months. I don't really get along with my brothers either, and when they fight with Dad, they wind up retreating to my place, which means I leave for the night. That's why I came over. Didn't really have anywhere else to go."

Sam grabbed Gabe's hand gently.

"Shit, Gabe," Sam said, "I'm sorry. You're always welcome here."

Gabe smiled and nodded, "Thanks, Sam. That's—thanks."

"No problem," he said. He really wouldn't mind if Gabriel came over more often. Gabe sighed and took his hand back from Sam.

"I'm sorry," he said, "I shouldn't be bringing my little problems over here when you have serious shit to deal with."

"Don't do that. I've got some shit going on, but your issues are important. I'm sorry you have to go through that stuff," Sam said.

Gabriel leaned his head on Sam's shoulder and said tiredly, "I just want it to be over." Sam could relate. He brushed Gabe's hair behind his ear. Gabe looked up at him. He turned to face Sam, and Sam kept his hand on Gabe's jaw line. Well, if Dean could kiss Cas…

But Dean wasn't dating anyone. He dropped his gaze and his hand.

After a moment of awkward silence, Gabriel asked, "You still want to tell me about your family?"

"Why?" Sam asked, "I gave you the cliff-notes version already." Gabe lay down on Sam's bed.

"I wouldn't mind getting to know you better, and I like listening to your voice," Gabe said. That was a pretty nice answer.

Sam sighed, "Alright, what do you wanna know?"

"What were your parents like?" he asked. Sam lay back with Gabe and turned on his side to face him. There was barely any space between them. It was an entirely too intimate position, but Sam didn't move.

Sam began, "Well, like I said, I didn't know my mom. I know her name was Mary. I've seen pictures, so I know she was blonde, and Dean looks more like her than I do. He remembers her a little, definitely more than I do, but he doesn't like to talk about her. And I know she died in a fire, and it was arson."

Gabe propped himself up on his elbow and stared at Sam with wide eyes. He didn't say anything, but the fact that his mom was murdered was jarring, so Sam wasn't surprised by Gabe's reaction.

Slowly, Gabriel said, "I'm sorry, Sam." Sam smiled. He never really knew her, so she was hard to miss. He knew how much her death affected the rest of their lives, but that was his dad's fault not hers.

"It's alright," he said, "It's been eighteen years."

Gabe nodded in understanding.

"And as for my dad," Sam continued, "John was a marine in Vietnam who became a cop after the war. After Mom died, Dad turned in his badge and became a private investigator. He wanted to hunt down Mom's killer but felt restricted by his precinct. Too many rules and protocols.

"Leads went in and out of state, so Dean and I grew up on the road. Dad would leave us in a motel room for a week or two, leave us just enough money for food, and go work whatever case. It wasn't until he died seven years ago that we lived in a permanent place at all."

He stopped and looked at Gabriel who was staring at him oddly.

"What?" he asked.

"If your dad died seven years ago, you were eleven and Dean was fifteen. Holy shit. How'd you guys stay together in the system?" Gabe asked, confused as all hell.

Sam answered, "We were never in the system. Dean lied to social services and said he was eighteen when he was really fifteen so he could be my legal guardian. Considering we were able to say our paperwork went up in flames, it wasn't really that hard. Legally speaking, Dean is actually twenty-five right now even though he's only twenty-two."

"Now, I'm jealous," Gabe said, "He got to legally drink when he was only eighteen. Lucky bastard." Sam smiled at Gabe's levity. He didn't bother to include that they were homeless for a few years, in and out of shelters. Dean and Sam had a place now, so the other stuff didn't matter anymore.

After a moment, Gabe asked, "If you don't mind me asking, how'd your dad die?"

"He killed himself," Sam said quickly, "Shot himself in the head."

Not like the rest of the conversation made things awkward at all.

"Well," Gabe said, sitting up suddenly, "That's umm…crap, I'm sorry—change of subject?"

Sam nodded and sat up, too, "Any ideas for what to do about Dean and Cas?"

Gabriel smirked, probably trying to forget what Sam told him, "Not unless we trap your brother and duct tape him to a chair, and honestly, I don't know if Cas is into that sort of thing."

Sam started to roll his eyes, then stopped. That was it. Cas was the only one who could talk any sense into Dean. And Dean wouldn't talk to Cas without being forced.

Sam grabbed Gabe's face with both hands and kissed his forehead.

"Gabriel, you are a genius," Sam said, ecstatic.

Gabe blushed, "How so?"

The apartment door opened and Charlie announced, "We're back, bitches!"

Sam patted Gabriel's leg and said, "We're going to trap Dean." He got up, followed by Gabe, and met Charlie and Dorothy as they took their jackets off.

"What's up?" Dorothy asked, her sore throat evident in her voice.

Sam said, excited, "We've got work to do."


	18. Falling

It had been two weeks since he'd last talked to Cas. Since he kissed Cas.

Dean walked into the Roadhouse after successfully ducking Cas all day on campus. He'd only had one close call when he had been in the same hallway as Balthazar, but he'd managed to hide in an empty class for long enough that Balth had left the building. He knew he'd have to talk to Cas eventually, but he needed time and space to figure out what he'd say. What could he possibly to say to excuse his behavior? Still, his ninja skills deserved a congratulatory beer.

He entered the bar nervously, scanning for anyone who might catch him being at his usual hangout. Dorothy had been pretty clear about meeting up after school, though. She was still fighting her cold and had begrudgingly asked him to bring her some of her homework. Even though she was sick, she had no intention of staying home and had instead spent the day in their booth at the Roadhouse hanging with Jo. Well, if he was walking into the bar, he figured he'd grab a drink on his way to the table.

He was about to call Ellen for his drink when he nearly jumped out of his skin upon hearing "Hello, Dean" from behind him.

"Dammit, Cas! You could warn a guy—" he started.

Cas fixed him with an intense stare that had Dean's eyes trying to find any possible escape.

"We need to talk, Dean," Cas said in a dangerously low voice. Dean watched Cas' lips as he spoke nearly involuntarily. His lips were so pink, it wasn't remotely okay. His gaze jumped to the door. Charlie stood there, arms crossed, watching Dean. She had no intention of letting him out of here. Still, he could take her if needed.

"No, we don't," Dean said, side stepping away from the bar and Cas, "What could we possibly have to talk about?" He bolted for the door only to have Sam block him and physically turn him back towards Cas.

"Sammy…" Dean warned.

Sam muttered next to Dean's ear so only he could hear, "I know you've got a thing for Cas. Avoiding it isn't going to help, and avoiding him is hurting him. Look at him."

Dean met Cas' gaze reluctantly and saw the flicker of sadness that Sam was referring to.

Shit. Cas turned away towards the back door. Double shit. He probably thought Dean was rejecting him by keeping away from him. And that's not what he was doing. Not at all.

Sam said, "Does it look like this is for the best?"

Dean pulled out of Sam's grasp and walked quickly after Cas. Fuck. He could practically feel Sam's smug grin at his back. Dean followed Cas into the fenced-in lot behind the Roadhouse.

"Cas," Dean said quietly, "I'm sorry."

"For what?" Cas asked.

Dean stared at him and realized he wanted him to spell it out.

"For kissing you, Cas. I shouldn't have done that."

"Then, why did you?"

"I don't know."

Cas crossed into Dean's personal space enough to have him backing into the wall.

"You kissed me, Dean. I deserve to know why. The truth this time," Cas said evenly. His eyes never left Dean's as he watched him squirm.

"Cas, I don't—"

"Dean," Cas warned. Dean swallowed, trying to return his breathing to normal as Cas backed up a few steps, allowing him some more room.

He sighed, "I was drunk. You know that."

Cas closed his eyes, exasperated, "Yes, I've seen you drunk before. I've seen you do several incredibly stupid things while drunk. However, this is different."

"What? How?" Dean asked. Cas began to pace, focusing on the crunch of the layer of snow under foot.

"Why have you been avoiding me, Dean? Why did I have to resort to recruiting the help of your brother and your roommate in order to talk to you at all?" he asked quickly. He met Dean's eyes and drowned him in a sea of blue.

Cas stepped closer, "Why is it that you're so uncomfortable around me, now?" Dean regarded his friend through a haze of panic.

"Cas, please, don't," he begged.

Cas' temper flared.

"No," he said, "We're doing this. If you have feelings for me, I'd like to know."

Dean was in such complete shock that he was still capable of standing given how shaky he felt, he could barely think straight. This was it. Shit. This was it. He swallowed but couldn't bring himself to say anything. What could he say? He'd never been happier since he'd met Cas? He'd never felt so safe with anyone else? He'd never been more afraid of rejection? He'd never been so afraid to hurt someone? He couldn't summon words to his mouth.

Cas softly asked, "Do you have feelings for me, Dean?" Dean felt tears pricking at his eyes in the cold air.

He blinked them back and said, "I don't want to hurt you."

"You won't," Cas said evenly.

"You don't know that," Dean said.

Cas put a hand to Dean's face, saying, "And neither do you."

Dean swallowed.

Cas repeated quietly, "Do you have feelings for me, Dean? Yes or no."

Dean couldn't handle it. He couldn't breathe. He couldn't see anything beyond those blue eyes. But he knew he didn't want to. He would hurt Cas. He knew it. But he would try everything in his power not to.

Dean nodded slowly to answer his friend.

Cas smiled brightly and pulled Dean into his arms.

"Thank you," the blue eyed man said against Dean's shoulder, "Thank you so much." Dean hugged his friend back tightly. He had really missed Cas.

"For what?" he asked.

Cas pulled away slightly and replied, "For being honest with me." Dean broke away from their embrace, feeling way too exposed than he felt comfortable with. Cas stared at the ground between them.

"I guess I should tell you the truth, too, huh?" he said.

Dean asked, "Cas, what're you-"

"I like you," his friend blurted, "A lot."

Dean stared at him with wide eyes. He what?

Cas explained, "I've had feelings for you for a while. But your history with Lisa and other women made it seem very unlikely that you would ever—"

Dean closed the space between them with quick steps and kissed Cas deeply, caressing Cas' face with gloved hands. Out of all the confusion in Dean's mind, he was sure that he definitely should have talked to Cas sooner. He was such an idiot.

Once they separated, Cas asked, "Does this mean we're together?"

Dean smiled and said, "Yeah, Cas. We're together if you want to be."

Cas kissed him slowly and raked his fingers through his hair. Dean took that as a yes. They kissed a few more times before Dean realized how cold his toes were within his snow soaked gym shoes.

"We should go inside," he said, reaching for the door.

Cas held him back, "Dean, wait." He walked to the door and knocked four times.

Jo shouted, "Dean stop being stupid?"

"Yeah," Cas called back, smiling at Dean, "We're good now."

"Good!" she replied. The sounds of boxes and chairs being shoved away from door made Dean fix Cas with a quizzical stare.

Cas shrugged innocently, "Jo wanted to make sure you wouldn't be able to run off again. I told her making a barricade was a bit much, but she was quite insistent."

As the door opened, Dean took hold of Cas' hand and enjoyed watching a blush creep over his face. Fingers entwined, they walked into the warmth of the Roadhouse together to a chorus of victory shouts from their friends.


	19. Saying Goodbye

Dean and Cas had been together for a week, and things were finally starting to feel happy in the apartment. The semester at school had just finished, and the holidays were quickly approaching.

Sam walked down the street, shuffling through the snow, heading to Luci's. For the first time in a long time, he felt buoyed by the idea of going over there. Dean and Cas were dating, it was winter break, Sam was definitely in love with Gabriel, and it was time to end it was Luci once and for all. If Dean could get his love life in order, it was about time Sam did the same.

He decided that this year's new years' resolution would include not dating Luci. At all. He didn't want him anymore. He didn't want the pain anymore. He wanted Gabe. He wanted Gabe in so many ways. Gabe knew Sam better than anyone, even Dean, and it was so comforting. Sam craved his comfort and his friendship and his company and his touch and his gaze and his lips…He had to break up with Luci before he could consider any of that. And that was also assuming Gabe felt for Sam in return. Sometimes he thought Gabe might feel something, but at other times, he wasn't so sure.

First things first. He arrived at Luci's building and climbed the stairs that his boyfriend had pushed him down. He saw the dent in the plaster walls of the stairwell from where Luci had shoved him hard enough that his elbow had made a mark. He had more painful memories here than not. Eventually, he made his way to the third floor. His stomach flip-flopped from nerves. He had to do this. Walking down the hallway only served as a reminder of being pushed into the walls too hard and being kissed too roughly. It was so close to being over. Luci wasn't going to take this well. Sam swallowed his fear and knocked on the door.

This was the usual time he was supposed to come over, so he knew Luci was home, but there was no reply at the door. Odd. Sam reached for the pare key above the doorframe and let himself in.

"Luci?" Sam called. The apartment was completely quiet. Way too quiet.

"Luci, you home?" he tried. If this was how the break up was going to go, it would be incredibly one sided. There was a thud in the bathroom that drew Sam's attention.

Sam said quietly, "Luci?" He opened the door slowly.

His breath caught and he dropped to his knees. Luci was kneeling on the bathroom floor watching blood dripping from shallow slices on his arms. He was crying.

"Luci, what—?" Sam asked.

Luci looked up at him blearily. "Why am I wrong?" he asked.

Sam pulled Luci into his arms, "You're not wrong. Nothing's wrong with you. Why would you say that?" His stomach turned sour. What would Gabriel think of what he just said?

Luci pulled away and punched him hard in the arm while tears rolled down his face.

"Don't lie to me," he snapped.

"Luci, what happened?" Sam asked. Luci sighed and stared at his arms as the small trickles of blood ran.

"There were some guy on the bus from work who thought it was fun to make fun of the dyke. And I'm not a fucking lesbian, you know? And I just—" he said, trying to calm down. He reached for a bloody razor in the sink. Sam caught Luci's hands, careful not to touch the cuts but still feeling the squish of blood beneath his fingers.

"Luci," Sam said quietly, "You shouldn't let what people on a bus say get to you." He stood, leaving Sam's grip.

"But they're right! I'm a freak. I'm just wrong," he shouted. Grabbing Luci's hands again, Sam said, "You are not a freak. You're a man. You're a good man." Luci shook his head.

"I may look like a man, but with those guys on the bus, I didn't feel like one. And there will always be guys like that. And I'll never be enough of a man for them," he said.

Sam knew what would make Luci feel better, and it made him hate himself. The thought made him sick to his stomach. He'd probably never be able to look Gabe in the eye again. It was going to make everything so much worse.

"Hit me," Sam said, "If it makes you feel like the man I know you are, hit me."

Maybe too much heart was always his problem. He didn't love Luci anymore, he wanted to leave and never look back. But he knew he could help him. What kind of person would he be if he didn't try?

Luci punched him hard in the chest, knocking the wind out of him. Sam fell back against the bathroom wall. He braced himself.

The next hit came to his left side. He gasped but refused to make any other sound. He tried to think of Gabriel to keep himself from crying, but this was his fault. He didn't deserve to think of that beautiful man when he had volunteered for this.

Luci slammed his fist into Sam's solar plexus. He cringed at the force of it. He didn't want this. Instead, he focused on the look in Gabe's eyes when he could easily have kissed him. There was something there.

Luci hit him again. Something was in that loving amber gaze that made Sam feel so warm.

Another blow landed. His hands remembered the feel of Gabe's hair as it slid over his fingers.

The punches kept coming. The thoughts of Gabriel kept him from screaming.

Clarity and a certain calm seemed to ease into Luci's features with each blow.

Sam knew it wasn't Luci's fault. None of this was. He needed to be dominant; he needed to inflict pain just to feel secure in himself. That's just how he was. While Sam's chest and ribs sang with the sting of new bruising, he saw a sort of peace in Luci that he only got to see after being beaten. He hated it, he hated himself for willingly taking it, but it helped Luci.

Each breath he drew hurt. Luci backed away from Sam and stood over the sink, visibly calmer. Sam stood slowly, forcing himself not to wince with the movement, and wrapped his arms around his boyfriend. Wordlessly, he turned on the warm water.

Gabriel would see the new bruises, and Sam had no idea how he'd explain them. These were different. He'd asked for these. It was a whole new level of shame.

Slowly, he put Luci's arms under the water and rubbed gently at the dried blood.

For the first time, Sam was scared, not of Luci or of his family finding out, but of himself. How far was he willing to go to keep Luci happy? How much was he willing to take to help Luci stay sane?

With as soft a touch as he could manage, he cleaned Luci's arms and wrapped up his cuts.

Luci smiled at him tiredly.

"Thanks, Sam," he said, "I don't know what I'd do without you."

And Sam knew then that he'd never leave. He'd never be free no matter how much he craved it. He'd never be with Gabriel no matter how much he wanted to. Luci needed him. And they deserved each other. The too strong, too rough, too misunderstood abuser and the too willing, too patient, too pathetic loser were simply meant to be. They were too halves of the same whole, and nothing Sam did would ever change that. The hope Sam felt when he thought of Gabriel's warm smile died. There was no hope in all of this, no light at the end of the tunnel. He'd been naïve to think there was any outcome where he wasn't under Luci's completely control. He'd never felt so trapped in all his life. All he could see now was pain.


	20. Thank You

Cas sat next to him at their booth in the Roadhouse. Sam was sitting next to Gabriel leaning away from him. Dorothy was trying to keep Charlie from taking pictures of Dean and Cas. Balthazar and Jo finished up the booth, talking animatedly about something.

Truthfully, Dean wasn't paying attention. Cas had his hand on Dean's thigh under the table, and it was too much effort to notice much else. He wasn't quite sure what Cas' boundaries were; he'd been too chicken to retaliate. Physically.

"Cas," Dean purred, "What do you want to do tonight?" Cas licked his lips, blue eyes darting to Dean. While incredibly attractive, it satisfied Dean with the knowledge that he'd made Cas' mouth run dry. Served him right, sitting there all perfect and shit. Happiness burbled in Dean's chest.

"We could hang out at your place?" Cas suggested with a small smile. Slowly, Dean took Cas' hand in his below the table. Cas tensed but left his hand where it was. His fingers were smooth and warm between his own.

Dean took a moment to stare at Cas' lips before saying, "Could be fun." How would Cas react if Dean kissed him right here in front of everyone? He really wanted to kiss him. Normally, he'd be a bit squirrelly at the prospect of kissing a guy in public, but he desperately wanted to believe he was so comfortable with the idea because he'd already kissed Cas in the Roadhouse.

Gabriel shifted to face Sam who muttered a quick, tense, "Later." Dean shot a look at Sam. Sam returned the look with a subtle head shake. The motion told Dean it wasn't important and not to ask. Dean moved his hand to his friend's…boyfriend's thigh, sitting up a little straighter.

"So, what are your plans tonight, Sammy?" Dean asked.

His brother studied the table and said, "Gonna hang at Gabe's."

Gabe stared at Sam. "News to me," he said, "But alright. No complaints."

Something was definitely going on with them. More than the amorous tension anyway. If it was serious, Sam would tell him. He had no doubt of that. Cas touched Dean's thigh lightly. He tried to keep the thrill of his touch out of his face.

Jo shouted at Balthazar suddenly, "I don't care how much you hate that movie, Leonardo DiCaprio deserved a damn Oscar for that role and you know it!"

He shook his head, "Jo, my dear, you cannot possibly be this uncultered." Everyone turned back to each other and away from Jo and Balthazar's conversation.

"Well," Charlie said, "Dorothy and I are going to the movies, so have fun."

Dean grinned at Cas, "Looks like it's just us tonight."

"What do you want to do?" Cas asked.

Dean put an arm around Cas' shoulders and pulled him closer. He said, "I have a few ideas."

Sam rolled his eyes.

Being this close to Cas made a bit of his self restraint subside.

"Cas," Dean said, "Would you mind if I—" Cas cut him off with a deep kiss. Dean returned his boyfriend's kiss and curled an arm around Cas' back.

Balthazar clapped his hands together loudly as the broke the kiss. He waved at Jo to get out of the booth and hopped up quickly.

He put a hand on Dean's shoulder, saying, "Thank you, Dean. Thank you, thank you, thank you." Before Dean could make sense of anything, Balthazar bounded up to the foosball tables where Benny was schooling some freshmen as to why you should never bet money on something you're not good at.

As soon as Balthazar left the booth, he was back with Benny who was staring at Dean.

"Tell me you didn't. Tell me you didn't kiss Cas in front of all these guys," Benny pleaded.

"Well, he kissed me," Dean said, "But I don't—"

"Ha!" Benny shouted at Balthazar, "I don't owe you shit. Cas kissed Dean. Doesn't count."

"You guys bet on whether or not I kiss Cas?" Dean asked, confused.

Benny clarified, "No, he bet you would kiss Cas in front of all these lovely people before leaving today."

"And you bet I wouldn't?" Dean asked. Cas grabbed Dean's hand. Good to know they were on the same page. Sam laughed as Dean grinned at Benny, and pulled Cas in for a long kiss. Cas carded his fingers through Dean's hair making him moan against Cas' mouth.

"You're a son of a bitch, Dean, you know that?" Benny grouched.

Dean laughed, "How much you out by?"

Balthazar extended his hand happily, "Fifteen bucks."

As Benny pulled out his wallet, glaring at Dean, Dean and Cas slid out of the booth. Dean clapped Benny on the back.

"We're gonna head home," he said, "See you guys later."

Sam laughed, "Oh thank god. I was close to throwing up for a minute there." Dean rolled his eyes and slid his fingers between Cas'. He couldn't think of anything that felt better than holding hands with Cas.

On their way out, Dean asked, "But seriously, Cas, what do you wanna do tonight?"

Cas looked up at Dean with a confused expression, "I thought you said you had some ideas."

"I guess we'll figure something out when we get there," Dean laughed.

The sun was starting to set when they got to Dean's apartment. Dean flipped on the lights, and the companionable silence between them turned uncomfortable and awkward at the empty apartment. In the week or so they'd been dating, this was the first time they'd been alone and had any amount of privacy. He wished he could read Cas' mind. He wanted to know what Cas was comfortable with, how far he was willing to go, what he expected out of their night together.

"Are you hungry? Do you want anything?" Dean asked, trying to break the silence. His throat was suddenly very dry. Cas eyed him as he got some water from the fridge.

"I'm fine. You seem nervous, Dean," Cas said, following him into the kitchen, "What's wrong?"

Dean couldn't get the image of Cas' body entwined with his out of his mind. He took a sip of water, trying to think of wrinkly old men, slimy toads, and anything else to keep himself from being too turned on. But then the thought of Cas naked, legs splayed wide on his bed, would destroy any progress he'd made. He really didn't want to fuck this up, and he especially didn't want to scare Cas off. The last thing he needed was a boner.

"Nothing," he replied.

Cas took a step closer and put his hands on Dean's waist. He said softly, "Dean, you are a terrible liar."

Dean's heart raced at Cas' touch. He started wondering how far he was willing to go himself.

"It's just that we've never been alone together," Dean said, "And I don't know what you're comfortable with."

"What are you comfortable with?" Cas asked.

Dean sighed, "I don't know."

Cas held a hand to Dean's face, "What do you want to do?"

"I want to kiss you," he said. And he really did. He just didn't know about anything beyond that.

"Then, kiss me," Cas replied. There was fire in his eyes.

Dean couldn't resist and he had no reason to try. He met Cas' lips with a full, deep kiss. Cas pressed his body against Dean's. Dean ran a hand through Cas' hair as their lips moved together. A slow, sweet heat began to build in his stomach. He eased open Cas' mouth with his tongue and greedily explored the uncharted territory. Cas mimicked the motion, drawing a throaty moan from Dean's lips. Dean's hands slid down Cas' waist and pulled his hips into his own.

Suddenly, Cas nibbled on his lower lip that made Dean just about lose it. He slid his hands up the back of his boyfriend's shirt, surprised to feel such solid muscle. Dean broke their kissing and pressed his lips to Cas' neck, eliciting a gasp from his boyfriend.

He slipped Cas' shirt over his head and asked, "Bedroom?"

Cas said, "Dean, I don't—" while Dean planted more kisses along Cas' neck and jawline.

"Not sex," Dean said, gasping slightly, "Just more of this but lying down." Cas caught Dean's mouth before he could return to kissing his neck. He flicked his tongue inside Dean's mouth and tugged on his upper lip lightly.

"Bedroom," Cas said, breathless, "Yes."

Dean pressed his lips to Cas', hooked his arms behind Cas' knees, picked him up, and carried him to the bed. He laid Cas on the memory foam, tossed Cas' shirt on the floor, and looked at the man on his bed for a moment. Cas' hair was wild, his bare chest rose and fell with each breath, his lips were parted, and the desire in his eyes was practically palpable.

"Dean, what are you doing?" Cas asked.

He smiled, "Just looking at you."

Cas grinned, "Come here."

Dean removed his own shirt and lay down next to his boyfriend. He rolled over and kissed Cas softly, slowly, as if he was trying to show him how much he cared about him with just the touch of his lips. Cas pressed himself to Dean as their kiss intensified. Dean moaned against Cas' lips when Cas ran his fingers down Dean's bare sides. Cas' hands slid up to Dean's shoulders, and he pulled Dean on top of him. He got his legs between Cas' and moved to kissing Cas' neck again. The little sound of surprise and pleasure he made when Dean's lips touched his skin was probably Dean's favorite sound.

"Dean," Cas gasped. He grinned and nibbled lightly at Cas' throat. That earned him a gratuitous moan. The taste of Cas' skin was in toxicationg. He brought his hands up Cas' arms and rubbed them over his shoulders and chest.

As he caught Cas' lips with his own, he pressed his pelvis down against Cas' crotch and rolled his hips gently against his boyfriend's. Cas' eyes shot open, which made Dean smile enough to break the kiss.

"That okay?" Dean asked.

The man beneath him nodded quickly, "Do that again."

Dean rocked into him obediently, making Cas buck up with him in response. It was definitely weird to feel another penis when he did that, but it felt amazingly good. He bent down and pressed a couple of kisses to Cas' collar bone, thrusting against Cas' pelvis.

"Dean," Cas said, touching Dean's back, letting him know Cas wasn't just saying his name.

"Yeah?" Dean asked.

"We need to stop," he said, "I can't—"

Dean cut him off with a kiss and rolled off of him.

Cas blushed hard, "I'm sorry. I've never really done this sort of thing, and I wasn't expecting—"

Dean saw how hard Cas was through his pants.

"You can take your pants off if it'll be more comfortable," Dean said quickly. He was all too familiar with the turmoil of having a boner while wearing tight pants.

Cas closed his eyes. "I'm not sure I'll be able to move without—" he said.

"You're that close?" Dean asked, shocked. Sure, Dean was hard, too, but he wasn't anywhere in the vicinity of cumming.

Cas said quickly, "I'm so sorry. This is very embarrassing. My stamina isn't what I thought…" Dean turned Cas' face towards him.

"Hey, Cas, it's okay," Dean said, "I'm just glad I could make you feel good."

Cas smiled and kissed him softly, without the fire of their previous kisses. Dean rested his head on Cas' chest and wrapped an arm around him. Cas rubbed Dean's back slowly as they both calmed down.

"Does it ever bother you that I'm a guy?" Cas asked quietly. Dean propped himself up on an elbow and looked at Cas.

"Why would you ask that?" Dean asked.

Cas looked away from him and sighed, "Well, I know I'm not your type."

"Cas," Dean said softly, running his fingers through Cas' hair, "This is really new, and sure, you're the first guy I've ever dated, but you're perfect. I wouldn't change a single thing about you." Cas' face lit up, and he hugged Dean tightly.

After a moment, Cas said, "Thank you."

"For what?" he asked.

"For giving us a chance. I really like dating you," Cas answered. Dean pulled Cas to his chest and pressed a kiss to the top of his head.

Something started to prick at the back of Dean's mind.

"Am I the first person you've dated?" he asked. Cas nodded slowly against Dean's bare skin.

"There was a point where I thought about dating Balthazar," Cas said quietly, "But that didn't happen. So, yes. You're my first everything."

"Wait, Balthazar? Don't you live with him?" Dean asked.

Cas sighed, "It's complicated."

That didn't sit well with Dean. Cas lived with the only other guy he could've dated. No, that didn't sit well with Dean at all.

"So, you live with a guy you almost dated," Dean said.

Cas sat up and faced Dean, "Are you jealous?"

"No, I—" he said, "Yeah, a little."

"Well, if it makes you feel better, I only live with him and Garth if I have to," Cas said smiling. Dean sat up with Cas.

"Where do you live normally?" Dean asked.

Cas shrugged, "Wherever. I've slept in the library, I stay with Balth and Garth occasionally,I stay with Benny if Balth has a floor inspection, I've spent nights at Gabriel's when Benny has had girls over, I've stayed up all night walking in the city when I don't have anywhere else to go. I just stay wherever. Depends on the day."

"You don't have—you're homeless?" Dean asked, wide eyed. He remembed shelter hopping with Sam, staying up all night in an alley, standing watch so his brother could sleep, lying to school officials about their addresses and parents.

Cas met Dean's gaze and shook his head. "I guess so," he said, "But I don't think of it like that. There are so many people who have it worse."

"You could live here," Dean said suddenly.

He wasn't sure why he said it. It was way too soon for moving in together. And Cas clearly didn't find any problem with his situation even though he was definitely lying to the student housing department.

"What?" Cas asked. Dean smiled and ran a hand through his hair like the motion would shake out the awkwardness.

"You could live here," Dean repeated. It was way too soon, but his boyfriend didn't have a permanent place to stay. He knew how much that could suck. And it was freezing out. If Cas got stuck out in the cold, because he didn't have anywhere…

"That's what I thought you said," Cas said, breathless, "I don't know. I wouldn't want to be a burden on you guys."

Dean took Cas' hand in his, "I know it's crazy and really too soon, but hear me out. We're dating, I love spending time with you, and you'd probably start sleeping over a bunch anyway. Nothing would really change, except you could just stay here."

Cas smiled brightly and said, "Well, if you want me to—"

"I want you to stay," Dean said quickly. He kissed Cas' hand. Cas held Dean's face and pulled Dean's lips to his.

"Thank you," Cas said. They kissed again. As Dean tasted his boyfriend's lips, he started to get really excited. This could be everyday. He'd be able to wake up to Cas all the time and he'd get to fall asleep with him every night.

Dean could not wait to tell his family about their new roommate.


	21. Beginning of the End

Not too long after Dean and Cas had scampered off, Charlie reached across the table and patted Sam's hand.

"We're going to see Catching Fire," she said, standing up to let Dorothy out, "I'll let you know if it's worth your time."

Sam nodded, said a quick "have fun", and resumed looking at his hnds. Gabriel was still staring at him.

Dorothy coughed violently into her arm as she was putting on her scarf.

Charlie rubbed her back and called to Ellen, "Can I get a water really quick?" Sam shot a concerned look at them.

Dorothy had been sick for nearly three weeks. This cold was kicking her ass, but he didn't think it wise to say that to her, or she may kick his ass just to prove a point. Jo and Balthazar were up by Benny playing foosball, Dean and Cas were on their own doing Sam didn't want to know what, and Charlie and Dorothy grabbed a glass of water and left for the movies, leaving Sam and Gabe alone at the booth.

"Sam, what happened?" Gabe asked, "I barely touched you when I sat down, and you flinched like I slapped you in the face."

Before Sam could reply, a scrawny, Asian boy ran up to the booth in a flurry of notebook paper and visible caffeine usage.

"Sam, I need your help. Next semester starts in three weeks, and I don't know what books I need or where the classes are or what the syllabi are going to be like, and I need to know this stuff, or I won't be able to form a stable study routine until the second week of class at the earliest," he said rapidly.

Sam gestured to the empty seats of the table to indicate that the frazzled kid should sit down.

"Kevin, this is Gabriel," Sam introduced, "Gabe, this is Kevin Tran. He graduated high school early, and I was helping him catch up last semester. But now that school's out, I don't know what he wants from me."

"Please, Sam. I can't be behind already. I just can't," Kevin stammered.

Sam rolled his eyes, enjoying Gabe's bemued smile, and said, "Kevin, you can't be behind, because class hasn't started yet."

Kevin stared between Sam and Gabriel, exasperated.

Gabe sighed, "Kid, you want some advice? Relax a bit."

Sam nodded and added, "Take off your backpack and coat, and order something to drink. Just relax with us for a sec. You worked your ass off last semester. Don't be so eager to jump back in. You've earned yourself a break." Kevin paused like it was a foreign idea, but slowly slid his stuff off into the booth next to him. Sam wondered if Gabe knew he'd invited Kevin to stay just to stall talking about what happened at Luci's. Still, Kevin was pretty cool. And the kid really needed to relax.

"So, what do you do for fun?" Gabe asked Kevin.

Kevin shrugged, "I mostly study, but I play cello when I can."

"Do you like cello?"

"It's kind of a chore," Kevin admitted.

Gabe rolled his eyes, "Again. Stuff you do for fun. You've had fun, right?"

"I like playing Magic the Gathering," he said.

"Cards or videogame edition?" Sam asked.

For the first time since he met Kevin Tran, he smiled a genuine, happy, nearly care free smile. But as Kevin's eyes turned to the bar, the smile faded into an expression of being struck dumb.

"Who's that?" he asked. Sam followed his gaze to a redhead sitting at the bar, talking to Bobby.

"I don't know her," Sam replied. She was very pale, like a true ginger, and had a slender figure that really made her quite attractive even at a distance. Honestly, he was surprised he didn't know her. She looked like someone Dean would've hooked up with between Cassie and Lisa.

Gabe said, "That's Anna Milton."

"You know her?" Kevin and Sam asked in unison.

Gabe held up his hands in surrender. "I just work with her, I've never actually talked to her," he explained. Kevin's eyes remained glued to Anna until she sat at a table by herself.

Gabe said quickly, "Hey, you should go talk to her."

The color drained rom Kevin's face.

"Meeting new people would probably be a good way to relax over break," Sam said, "She's by herself. Go for it."

"You think I should?"

"Dude, I'm not kicking you out of the booth, but how often is a girl you like nearby and flying solo at the same time?" Sam said.

Kevin protested, "I don't like—"

Sam and Gabe cut him off with identical cut-the-crap looks.

"Fine," Kevin said. He got up, wiped his hands on his pants, and walked over to Anna.

"It's like he's never talked to a girl before," Gabe remarked.

Sam chuckled, "Well, he was in advanced placement." Things seemed to go well with Anna, because within seconds Kevin was sitting with her. They started to delve into some animated conversation pretty quickly. Maybe she played Magic the Gathering, too.

"I don't think he's coming back," Gabe said, "Wanna get out o here?"

Sam nodded. He waved goodbye to Kevin as they walked out the door.

A half hour later, Sam sat shirtless on Gabriel's couch as his friend's eyes nearly bugged out of his head. Having seen the damage in the mirror earlier, he knew what he looked like, and it wasn't pretty. His entire torso from sternum to waistline was varying shades of black and blue. His ribs were particularly bad with hues of green and red mixed into the bruising. He wouldn't have been surprised if Luci broke a bone this time. Apparently, his boyfriend had been holding back before. It hurt to breathe. Gabe extended a hand to touch Sam's shoulder but stopped when he saw bruising there as well.

"Sam…" Gabe breathed. Sam watched him get up abruptly and walk to the bathroom. He tried to lie down while Gabe was out of the room, but the motion was too painful to complete without groaning or crying out. Gabe returned with a Walgreens bag, filled with boxes. They were IcyHot patches.

"I stocked up on these in case this sort of thing happened again," he said, "Looks like we're gonna use 'em all in one go. Lay down."

Sam sighed, "I can't."

Gabe looked at his bruises sadly. "Yeah, I figured," he said quietly.

He sat next to Sam, helped him turn so he faced the arm of the futon, and gingerly leaned him back. At first, Sam tensed, which shot pain all over his chest and stomach.

He groaned and Gabe said quickly, "Just relax. I've got you." Sam slowly relaxed and let Gabe guide him down in the most soothing trust fall exercise he'd ever done. Once Sam was fully on his back, the pain was manageable. Gabe slid off the couch and onto his knees on the floor where he started ripping open IcyHot boxes.

As Gabe gently applied the first patch, Sam felt heat course through him. His chest ached and it wasn't just from the bruising. He had to get over Gabe. He had to. He was stuck with Luci. Harboring these feelings wouldn't help anything. Still, when Sam felt a tear hit his chest, his heart lurched painfully. He reached up and put a hand on Gabe's shoulder.

"Don't move," his friend said, voice thick with tears, "I don't want you to hurt yourself more." Gabe put Sam's arm back at his side and continued covering the bruises in patches.

"Gabe," Sam said, concerned. He didn't want Gabe to cry, especially not over him. He wanted to hug his friend to comfort him, but moving would probably make Gabriel worry more.

"How did this happen?" Gabe asked, regaining composure as if pulling on emotional armor. Sam hesitated. He really didn't want to tell Gabe. He still couldn't believe he'd asked for this.

"Oh, no," Gabe said, facing him, "You don't get to come over here looking like you've come back from a freaking war and not tell me what the fuck happened. Tell me."

He swallowed his pride and said, "Luci was cutting. I stopped him, but he was a mess. He needed something to focus on. So I gave it to him. He apparently doesn't hold back if you tell him to do it."

Horror seeped into Gabriel's features as he absorbed Sam's words. "Oh, Sam. Tell me you didn't," he said.

Sam felt tears in his eyes and blinked them back quickly. Gabe needed to stop looking at him like that. "I'm sorry," he said, watery voice causing him even more shame.

Gabe put on the last IcyHot patch.

The patches did help the pain. It wouldn't have hurt to breathe if his heart wasn't shattered to the point of physical aching. He didn't want to hurt Gabe like this. He didn't want to hurt like this. He wanted to leave Luci and love Gabe and stop hurting all the time. But he couldn't.

He couldn't fight the tears anymore. He sat up quickly and hugged Gabriel with a small groan of pain.

"I'm sorry," he mumbled into Gabe's shoulder, "I'm so sorry."

Gabe helped him lay back down and wiped the tears from Sam's face.

He smoothed back Sam's hair and said, "It's okay. It's okay. You were trying to help. I get that. You're just too good for him."

Sam tried to belive that. He knew he'd had good intentions, but all he could think of was asking to be beaten. The motives didn't matter. He'd asked for the pain.

Gabe grabbed Sam's hand gently. "Leave him, Sam," he said, "Please, leave him."

"What? Gabe, after finding him cutting, I can't leave," Sam said quickly.

Gabe stepped back and gestured at Sam, "Do you see how badly you're hurt right now? Just break up with him. Don't let it get worse than this. I'm begging you."

"I can't," Sam said again.

"Can't or won't?"

"Can't. I went to break it off with him and he was bleeding on the bathroom floor. If I leave, he could die."

"So could you!" Gabe shouted.

Gabriel's armor fell away as he took a breath and met Sam's gaze with naked desperation in his teary eyes.

"Please, don't go back there," he pleaded, "Please, Sam. Don't go back to im. He's going to kill you. And I just can't—Just stay here. Stay here with me. Don't go back. Just stay. Please."

Sam wished he could tell him that he'd be okay. He wished he could reassure him in some way. But he couldn't. Gabe knew what Luci was capable of. Anything he said to soothe his friend would be a lie. He couldn't lie to Gabriel like that; he loved him too much. And that decided it. He couldn't love Gabriel if he was still with Luci, and loving Gabe was so right, it wasn't an option to stop at this point.

"Okay," Sam said.

Gabe looked startled. "Okay?" he asked.

Sam nodded, solemnly, and he felt like he was signing Luci's death warrant. "Okay," he repeated, "I'll leave him."

"You're sure?" Gabe asked, a smile growing on his face.

"Yes," he said. His friend's smile was infectious, and Sam started to feel hopeful again after his last bit of hope had been so viciously dashed.

"We need to plan," Sam said quickly, "We need to figure out a way to make sure Luci is safe without my being there. If he commits suicide over this, I'll never forgive myself."

Gabe knelt closer to Sam's face, "If he kills himself, it is not on you, okay? His life is not on you. But, if you're really that worried about it, I have a friend who lives near there who could keep tabs on Luci to see if he's doing okay."

"That could work," Sam said, "As long as your friend is cool with doing it."

Gabe grinned, "Oh, she'll be cool with it. Kali owes me."

Sam sat up slowly, mindful of his injuries but barely caring. It was really going to happen. He was finally able to get out of his horrible life. He could've done a backflip powered by his excitement alone. That one amazing week with Gabriel could be his life. It was an actual possibility now. Gabe helped him sit upall the way and slid onto the futon beside him.

"I'm coming with you," Gabe said.

"What?"

"I'm coming with when you break up with Lucifer."

"Gabe, why would you—"

Gabriel smooted out the IcyHot patchwork, making Sam wish Gabe's fingers were touching his skin.

"You're really banged up, Sam," he said, "Like hell I'm letting you go in there without back up if you can barely sit up on your own."

Considering the state of his torso, Sam found it ironic that he hadn't thought about the level of abuse he may take if he upset Luci by dumping him. It would probably get very bad. Sam suddenly had a healthy dose of fear.

"It's going to have to wait," Sam said.

Gabe looked at him, "What? Why?"

"If I break up with him, he'll lash out," Sam said, "I need a few days to heal a bit before going in for more punishment."

Gabe nodded, "Yeah, I see your point. You're kind of an easy target right now."

Sam smirked.

"Well," Gabe said, standing, "It's getting late, and you've got school in the morning—"

"No, I don't," Sam said, "Semester's over. You didn't know that?"

Gabe ginned, "I'm not a student, so no, I didn't."

"But I've seen you at school."

"Yeah, I work in the library."

"Oh."

"Is that a problem?"

"No, it's just," Sam said, thinking of when Gabe used to call him 'kid' a lot, "How old are you?"

"Does it matter?" Gabe asked.

"I don't know. It might," Sam replied.

Gabe's smile faltered slightly, "Oh my God, Sam, really? I'm twenty-four, okay? I'm twenty-four, my favorite color is green, I live in Chicago, I'm a Virgo, I'm bisexual, I don't like vegetables, I majored in psychology, and I'm slightly ambidexterous. Interrogation over now?" he said defensively. The level of sass was so high, it could only be answered with more sass.

Sam replied lightly, "Well, you missed your height, weight, and dress size, but I think I can guess."

Gabe narrowed his eyes at him, smile widening, "You think you're so funny."

"Oh, I know I am," Sam said. Six years wasn't much of an age difference, but what Sam really found exciting was Gabe being bi. It gave him much more of a shot than if his friend was straight, so that tid bit of info lifted Sam's spirits immeasurably.

"Anyway," Gabe said, "Even though you don't have school tomorrow, it is still pretty late. I'm gonna crash."

Sam scooted over for Gabe to lie down.

"No, no, no," Gabe said, "In your condition, you get the bed."

"I haven't been sleeping lately, so I don't need—wait, you have a bed?" That earned an eye roll from Gabe.

"You are aware there is a whole other room here, right?" Gabe asked. Sam shrugged. Sure, there was another room, but he'd never been in it.

If there was a bed, why was there a comforter on the futon? More pressing, though, was the idea that of all the times Gabe had fallen asleep with him on the futon, there was a bed a room away going completely unused. Why would he sacrifice comfort like that?

Gabe helped him off the couch and led him through the door to what was apparently the bedroom. The bed was gigantic and covered in a large, fluffy, red blanket. There were at least eight pillows stacked against the headboard. Sam sat on the edge of the bed and sank into the soft mattress comfortably.

"Holy crap," he said quietly.

"Yep," Gabe said.

Sam scooted to the mountain of pillows. He tried to lie back, but his sore muscles protested the attempt. He sat forward again. Any use of his abs resulted in wincing at best and screaming at worst. He wasn't going to be able to sleep anyway; he was too sore to get comfortable despite the amazing bed.

Gabe pulled off his shirt and crawled onto the bed between Sam and the pillows. He slipped his legs around Sam.

"Here," Gabriel said, easing him gently down to lie on Gabe's bare chest.

Sam's heart tried to explode out of his ribcage. His lungs tried to remember what exactly that air thing was. Gabe's chest was so very, very warm and soft and comfortable and he could feel his friend's heartbeat and oh goodness, he could feel Gabe's pelvis in his back. For a moment, nothing hurt.

Slowly, Gabe wrapped his arms around Sam. "You probably shouldn't sleep with the IcyHot stuff on," he said. Gabe's hands gently peeled the patches away and dropped them on the floor next to the bed, leaving trails of hot tingles where he touched Sam's sensitive skin.

"Thank you," Sam said.

Gabe deftly ran his fingers through Sam's hair, which felt absolutely incredible, and said, "Just try to sleep, okay?"

Sam nodded and closed his eyes, but the feel of so much of his friend's bare skin on his own, not to mention the hands caressing his hair, made it very difficult to consider sleeping. Soon, Gabe's hand fell motionless to Sam's shoulder and arm. Sam felt Gabe's breathing even out gradually. He'd never felt him fall asleep before, but it was amazing.

When he was assured by Gabe's soft snoring that his friend was definitely asleep, Sam said quietly, "I love you, and I'm sorry. You deserve better than me. But I love you. Just needed to say it out loud." There was no reply aside from continued snoring.

Before Sam lost consciousness, he heard Gabe mumble in his sleep, "Sam." He fell asleep wondering what Gabriel was dreaming about that made him say his name.

In the morning, Sam woke up in Gabe's bed alone, but it didn't last long. Gabriel rushed into the room with a towel on his head and a towel wrapped around his waist.

"Morning, Sunshine," he greeted as he grabbed boxers and jeans and took them with him to the bathroom. Sam had no idea how Gabe had gotten out of bed without waking him up.

As he winced through putting his shirt on, Sam started to wonder if this counted as cheating on Luci. While he and Gabe were probably more intimate with each other than what would be considered normal, they had not expressed mutual affection, they hadn't kissed or anything physical, and the fact that Gabe alone knew about Luci gave their friendship an extra level of closeness. Emotionall, Sam had been unfaithful to Luci for a very long time, but he didn't feel that thoughts and feelings not acted upon counted as cheating. No, he had done nothing with Gabe to feel guilty about.

Everything was still sore and ached like a bitch, but he did feel better than he had. He met Gabriel in the kitchen.

His friend smiled and slid him a plate with three pancakes and some orange slices. "For you," he said.

"Thanks," Sam said. Gabe grabbed his own breakfast, donuts and bacon, and sat on the futon. Sam joined him.

After finishing a slice of bacon, Gabe asked, "So, what do you want to do today?" Sam knew what he wanted to do. He wanted to kiss Gabriel, break up with Luci, and have more delicious fucking orange slices, not necessarily in that order. But he knew what he needed to do.

"I gotta go to my place and make sure I don't have any of Luci's stuff. When I break up with him, it's gotta be clean. He can't have any reason to see me again at all," he said.

Gabe nodded, "Sounds good."

After breakfast, they walked over to Sam's apartment. As Sam opened the apartment door, his phone buzzed. Sam's heart stopped. It was a text from Luci.

"What was that?" Gabe asked.

Sam replied, "Luci texted."

"And?"

"He said, 'I need you,'" Sam sighed.

"Don't go over there," Gabe said, "Say you're busy."

Sam put a finger to his lips. He checked the apartment. Charlie's room was empty. Dean's room was clear.

"Okay, no one's home," Sam said, heading for his room.

"Are you going over there?" Gabe asked.

Sam shrugged, "I don't know." He didn't want to go over there, but it sort of irked him that Gabe was trying to make decisions for him.

"Sam, you can't," Gabe sighed, "Or should I poke you in the stomach to remind you what happened last time." Sam scanned the shelves and bookcases, looking for anything of Luci's.

"What happened to you not telling me what to do?" Sam asked with a smile on his face. He pulled out his phone debating between lying to Luci and deleting the text altogether. He knew Gabe was just trying to look out for him. He just needed to remind Gabe that this was his choice.

Gabe said quickly, "I'm sorry. I know I shouldn't be telling you what you can and can't do, but Sam, c'mon. This guy physically beats you, and I care about you too much to just—" He saw Sam's grin and the cell phone in his hand.

"What?" Gabe asked.

Sam deleted the text from Luci and said, "The next time I see him, I'll break up with him."

"I don't blame you," Cas said, "He sounds awful."

Wait, Cas?!

"Cas, what're you doing here? I didn't hear you come in," Sam said abruptly.

"I was in the bathroom. Dean said I could stay here," Cas explained.

Sam asked, "How much did you hear?"

Cas fixed Sam with such a strong and knowing stare that he wondered if Cas looked at Dean like that. If he did, how did Dean deal with it? Sam felt the urge to crawl away from Cas' gaze.

"I heard enough to know that you are in an abusive relationship," Cas said evenly.

"I won't be for much longer," Sam said, "But you cannot tell Dean."

Cas started, "I am not in the habit of lying to Dean."

"You don't have to lie to him, just don't tell him about it," Sam said.

Cas said quickly, "Omiting the truth is the same as lying, Sam."

"Please, Cas," Sam begged, "You can't tell Dean. He'll blame himself for not protecting me or being a good brother or something else. And it's my fault I'm in this mess, not anyone else's. I can't let Dean blame himself for my mess. I can't do it, Cas, I just can't."

Gabe put a hand on Sam's arm, and Sam knew he was telling him it wasn't his fault for the situation. But it was. He could've left. He could've left so long ago. But he didn't. He stayed, and he got hurt for it. If Dean found out, he'd put the guilt on himself regardless of Sam's decisions. He'd feel like he failed Sam. No one else was responsible for Sam's stupid choices, especially not Dean.

Cas seemed to understand that. He said quietly, "Alright."


	22. Something's Up

A few days later, Dean looked up from where his and Cas' fingers sat entwined on the table when Charlie burst through the Roadhouse door and grabbed a seat at the bar.

"Give me as many shot as you've got booze for," she told Jo. Sensing Charlie's agitation, Jo didn't question it and started pouring shots. Cas removed his hand from Dean's.

"You should talk to her," Cas said, getting up.

"I'll see you later?" Dean asked.

Cas pressed a soft kiss to Dean's lips and answered, "Of course."

Dean watched his friend leave the bar, shamelessly undressing him with his eyes as he went, before going up to the bar to find out what happened with Charlie.

As he sat next to the disgruntled red head, she threw back a shot before saying, "Don't even start, Winchester. I don't want to talk about it, and you are not going to make me." Dean nodded and stole her next shot as she reached for it.

"What the hell, Dean?" she snapped.

"What's going on, Charlie?" he asked. Her eyes looked red as she glared at him.

"I told you," she said, grabbing for the shot glass that Dean held just out of reach, "I don't want to talk about it."

"Alright," he said, "How about I give you this back and we go not talk about it outside?"

She sighed and nodded, "Fine." Charlie gulped down the burning liquid, slapped some money on the bar, and followed Dean out into the cold Chicago night.

They started heading back to their apartment in silence. Dean shoved his cold hands in his jacket pockets.

"Alright," Charlie broke the silence, almost making Dean smile from successfully cracking her, "You know how Dorothy's been sick? Well, I finally got her to go see the campus doctor."

She paused and Dean turned to look at her. She stopped walking.

Taking a breath that didn't stop her voice from cracking, she said, "She's sick. She's really sick." As a few tears rolled down her cheeks, Dean wrapped her in a tight hug.

"It'll be okay," he said, pressing a kiss to her hair.

She sniffled and shook her head, "No, it won't, Dean."

"What do you mean?"

"She's got HIV," Charlie sobbed into Dean's shoulder.

Dean's heart broke with the shock. He thought of Charlie's girlfriend. She was smart, had a good head on her shoulders. How could Dorothy have HIV? A sickening thought wormed its way into his brain.

"Charlie," he said, stilling holding onto his weeping friend, "You're not sick, right?" She looked up at him blearily.

"No, I'm clean. I got tested after hers came back positive," she said, struggling to regain her composure. Worry released Dean's heart slightly. At least Charlie was okay. She wiped at her eyes to dry them. Well, she was physically okay.

"You know," he said, trying to calm her, "HIV doesn't mean she's gonna die from it."

He silently thanked google for the search results he'd poured through shortly after kissing Cas.

Charlie looked up at him skeptically, "What are you talking about? It's incurable." Dean smiled. This must've been how Sam felt all the time, knowing stuff before everyone else from doing research.

"There's better meds for it now," he said, "It's pretty manageable. Just gotta take the right meds and get to the doctor more."

"What?!" she asked, shocked. He smiled at the renewed light in her eyes.

"I don't know the science, but you can look it up if you want," he replied. She smiled and hugged him.

"I have to talk to her. Dorothy will want more info on it anyway. Do you think the school insurance would cover medication for her? They should, shouldn't they?" she babbled, already working out logistics.

He listened to her rapid-fire talk all the way back to the apartment where, thankfully, Cas had beaten them on bike and was waiting for him.

"Hey, Cas," Dean said softly as Charlie ran to her and Dorothy's room.

"Is she okay?" Cas asked.

Dean nodded, "She's better. Dorothy found out she's HIV positive. But they're both strong. They'll work it out."

Cas breathed, "Holy shit."

"I know," Dean said.

"How are you dealing with it?" Cas asked quietly.

Dean sat on the couch next to Cas and said, "I think I'm still in shock. I feel like it hasn't really hit me yet. Charlie's not sick, and Dorothy's condition is manageable. It's not like she's going to the chopping block. But this is really big. I don't think I've fully absorbed it yet."

Cas nodded in understanding.

Dorothy burst out of her room, walked calmly to Dean, and with red-rimmed eyes, said, "Thank you. Charlie told me what you told her and...it helps a lot. Thank you."

"No problem, Dorothy. I just want you to be okay. You're family," Dean said. Some of the dam broke then. She hugged Dean where he was on the couch tightly, tears flooding her eyes.

He tried to register how she was feeling. He guessed he had sort of given her her life back, but he was still trying to understand how that life was in jeopardy in the first place. How had she even gotten HIV? If her cold symptoms started when she got infected, what could she possibly have done to get it? He hugged her back until she let go and straightened up like that display of emotion had never happened.

"Thanks," she said again.

She called to Charlie, "Ready to go?"

Charlie hurried out and grabbed her jacket.

"Going to the campus doctors' office. We'll be back soon," Dorothy explained quickly as they walked out the door. Then, it was just Dean and Cas.

Cas sat quietly on his half of the couch cushion, staring at his hands folded on his lap.

"Cas," Dean said, "You alright?" Cas nodded quickly and slapped a smile on his face.

"Yeah, I'm fine. Why?" he said a little too quickly. Dean's instincts told him something was off, but he didn't feel like pressing it. It was probably about moving in so suddenly or something. If Cas wanted to tell him, he'd tell him.

"No reason," Dean said, "You just seemed a little off."

Cas shrugged stiffly, "Well, I'm fine."

Something was seriously odd. Dean leaned forward and chastely kissed Cas. Cas didn't return the kiss.

"Okay, Cas," Dean said, "What's going on?"

Cas looked at Dean and said, unconvincingly, "Nothing. I was just zoning out." Whatever it was was something he didn't want to tell Dean. That worried him more.

"You can tell me anything. You know that," Dean said.

Cas nodded, "I know." He leaned his head onto Dean's chest and wrapped his arms around Dean's torso.

"I'm sorry I'm acting weird," Cas said, "I am fine, though. Really."

"Okay," Dean said, raking his fingers through his boyfriend's hair. If it was something Dean needed to know, Cas would tell him. There was no doubt of that. He tried to let his sense of worry drop. He needed a distraction.

He tilted Cas' face up and pressed a kiss to his lips. Cas returned the kiss without hesitation and scooted up on Dean's chest to be at better level with his mouth.

Maybe everything was okay. Or maybe the stuff with Charlie and Dorothy had hit Cas faster than it was hitting Dean. Maybe he was just overreacting. Lisa used to complain about his overreacting all the time. The thought of Lisa constricted his chest for a moment, but it was only for a moment.

He kissed Cas harder and shook off the memory. Cas' lips felt good and everything was fine. His hands tried to memorize the feel of Cas' hair, his chest, his arms, his back, his ass, anything he was able to reach. The taste of Cas lingered on his lips as his boyfriend kissed down his neck. Dean stopped him and tugged his shirt off, throwing it across the room. Cas followed suit and kissed Dean's throat. He moved to Dean's collarbone, shoulder, chest, sternum, stomach, all the way to Dean's pants. Dean was torn between letting Cas have access below his waistline and pulling Cas up to kiss him. He sat up to meet Cas' lips.

He wasn't sure if he was ready for below the waist action. Yet, when Cas lay on top of him and he felt their erections rub together through their jeans, he craved it. But he wasn't ready for that. Cas probably wasn't ready for that either. Their lips crashed together desperately as Dean's hands tried to decide what part of Cas to touch first. Cas' hands found purchase sliding over Dean's shoulders and arms, making Dean's skin erupt in goosebumps and chills. How could he do that just by touching him?

Again, Dean felt their pelvises connect with sweet pressure. Fuck it. He slid his hand down Cas' chest and stomach to his pants.

"May I?" Dean asked, breaking the kiss.

Cas nodded and captured Dean's lips again like he needed his kisses to live. His heart raced as he slipped two fingers under the elastic of Cas' boxers.

The doorknob on the apartment door turned.

Dean retracted his hand, Cas slid down so he could be laying on Dean's chest, and they both pretended they weren't breathlessly panting when Charlie and Dorothy walked into the apartment in a huff. Charlie tossed her coat down angrily and walked over to the couch.

"I am so done right now," Charlie seethed. Dorothy sat on the arm of the couch near Dean's head. She smirked at their shirtless condition.

"You just left. What happened?" Dean asked, ignoring Dorothy's knowing grin.

"I called ahead and the campus doctors don't have the medication she needs," Charlie said angrily, "and the clinic they connected me to won't take our stupid school insurance."

"Maybe you should try Planned Parenthood," Cas said, sitting up on Dean's crotch.

That son of a bitch.

He shifted ever so slightly that made Dean realize Cas knew exactly what he was doing.

What an asshole.

Cas explained, "They were discussing in Women's History that Planned Parenthood has a pink card that can give you access to a bunch of medical help. Do you remember that, Dean?" Before Dean could answer, Cas turned slightly making him fight back a moan. If Cas wanted a war, he'd get it.

"No," Dean said, pushing his pelvis up surruptitiously, "I don't. But it's worth looking into." His motion got a small blush to spread across Cas' face.

Charlie nodded, "Yeah. I'll look it up. Good idea. Do you know where Sam's laptop is?"

Cas dropped his voice to a low murmur and asked Dean, "Do you think it'd be in his room?" Dean glared at Cas. He knew what that low voice of his did. Dean sat up and pushed Cas off of him unceremoniously.

"I'll go get it," Dean said, grinning at Cas. Cas squinted at Dean but was smiling regardless of his being forcibly unseated. Served him right.

He walked over to Sam's room and grabbed his laptop off his bed. As he turned around, he saw some things from Sam's shelves were missing. He didn't know what they were, but there were clean outlines in the dust of where things used to be. Then, he realized one of the missing things was a picture frame. It was a picture he'd taken of Sam and Luci when they'd first started dating. Maybe Sam broke it off with Luci. That'd be some freaking good news. God, he hated that bastard.

He adjusted his grip on Sam's laptop and walked back out to everyone.

As he handed the computer to Charlie, he asked, "Why do you need Sam's laptop? What happened to yours?"

Charlie smiled and said, "It has dementia and keeps forgetting that it can connect to the wi-fi. I haven't gotten around to fixing it yet. Thanks." Dorothy and Charlie retreated to their room.

Dean turned to Cas, "What the hell was that?"

"Fun," Cas said with a wide grin.

"Fun? Really? That's what you call teasing me in front of Charlie and Dorothy?" Dean asked.

Cas laughed, "Yep. Fun."

"I see," Dean said. He took a predatory step towards the couch.

"Dean," Cas said warily, "What are you doing?"

Dean grinned, pulled Cas off the couch, and slung him over his shoulder. Honestly, it was easier said than done since Cas wasn't much smaller than he was, but the squeal of surprise he pulled out of Cas with the move urged on his endurance until he plopped his boyfriend on his bed.

He slid on top of Cas and lightly nibbled his earlobe.

Cas released a loud gasp and said, "Why? Why does that-"

Dean grinned and rocked his hips into Cas', a moan forcing its way from Cas' throat. He stole a long, deep kiss and slid his tongue along Cas' upper lip. Then, quickly, he slipped down a bit and rested his head on Cas' chest.

"Dean?" Cas asked, confused. Dean nuzzled his head against Cas' chest and faked a snore.

"Really?" Cas asked, "You turn me on and then-" He stopped talking as it clicked.

Dean laughed and said, "Teasing still fun?"

Cas shot him a devilish smile and ran his hand down along Dean's upper thigh and up against Dean's crotch. Dean stared at him.

"You really put the ass in Cas, you know that?" he said, smiling. They kissed again. Cas rolled them so he was on top of Dean. He sat up on Dean's pelvis again.

"Do you have any STDs I should know about?" Cas asked. Dean stared up at him. Did he seriously just ask that?

"No," Dean answered, "I'm clean. Been screened and everything. Why?" His heart thudded. Cas couldn't possibly be proposing sex this soon.

"I was curious. If we ever have sex, which I would very much like to experience at some point, it would be nice to know what I'm getting myself into," he said.

Dean nodded, and it struck him that if they were to ever have sex, Dean would be popping his metaphorical cherry. That freaked him out. How would Cas want to do it on his first time? Sure, Dean had never been with a guy, but Cas hadn't slept with anyone. Oh, God, they were both guys. Who would be on top? Oh, God.

Cas smiled, "Relax, I'm in no hurry to have sex with you. We should probably date a bit longer before doing that."

"I'm totally relaxed," Dean said, secretly relieved beyond belief.

"Oh, yeah, you weren't panicking at all," Cas said sarcastically, "I could practically hear your heartbeat from here." He leaned forward on all fours and brought a knee up gently between Dean's legs, spreading sweet pleasure everywhere.

"Don't worry," Cas said, "I know you're not ready."

Dean swallowed as Cas nestled his knees between Dean's legs, making Dean spread his legs for Cas. Dean couldn't help but notice that it was the same move he'd pulled on Cas a few nights before when he'd asked Cas to move in. Slowly, watching Dean for any signs of discomfort, Cas eased the button of Dean's pants open.

Charlie opened the door to their room with a bang, holding the laptop in one hand.

"I've got it!" she said happily.

Dean sighed, "Privacy, Charlie. Heard of it?"

She took in the scene on Dean's bed and laughed, "Ha. Sorry. I forgot you guys do stuff." She walked in anyway, and sat on the edge of the memory foam mattress. She held open the laptop to their school's website. Dean and Cas sat up to give her room. Charlie really was the sister Dean had never wanted.

"I looked up the pink card, which was cool, but I'd have to refuse insurance for Dorothy and I in order to qualify. It also covered every kind of birth control but not the meds she needs," Charlie said quickly, "But I did find out that our school insurance can write a referral for us to go outside the school to the clinic that has the medicine." She gestured at the web page to show them, but it had gone back to the school's home page.

"Whatever," she said, "It said it. Long story short, I'll be on the phone for the foreseeable future. Don't be too loud till I tell you." With that, she closed Sam's computer and left the room.

Cas looked at Dean. Dean kind of wanted to make Charlie a badge that said "Official Cockblock." The mood was pretty clearly dead.

"Do you think the referral's going to work?" Cas asked.

Dean pulled Cas onto his chest and sighed, "I hope so. If it doesn't, we'll help them figure it out."

Something started to bother him. It was a Saturday.

"Hey, Cas," Dean said after a minute, "Have you seen Sam at all today?"

Cas tensed slightly, but he said, "I think he said he and Gabriel were going to Luci's. I'm pretty sure he's going to break up with Luci."

"Good," Dean said.

"Why do you say that?" Cas asked slowly. Dean got that feeling again that Cas was purposely not saying something.

"Dude's a prick," Dean said, "So, I'm glad Sammy's wising up and ditching his ass."

Cas nodded, but that worried feeling didn't leave Dean's stomach.

Out in the living room, he heard Charlie say, "Dammit. I'll have to call you back."

She paused, "Gabriel, what the-oh my god."

Cas sat up quickly, instantly followed by Dean.

"Dean!" Charlie called. The alarm in her voice had them out of the room in less than a second.

She said, "We have to go. It's Sam."


	23. Ending It

Even though days had passed, each step down the street shot pain through Sam's abs and ribs. Gabriel was right. He had to get out of this. As they walked together to Luci's apartment, Sam was endlessly grateful Gabe was going to be there to back him up if necessary. He was, however, worried to death that Luci would hurt Gabe. Sam could take a lot from Luci. Gabe getting hurt was something that Sam would not be able to handle.

When they reached the building, Sam turned to Gabe and said, "Don't come upstairs. I'll come back after it's done. I don't want him to get upset by seeing you."

Gabe nodded. "If I hear screaming, I'm coming up," he said.

Sam understood that. He hoped there wouldn't be screaming. If Gabe and Luci didn't have to be in the same room, that option would always be preferable.

As Luci opened the door for Sam, his hopes were dashed.

"So, who's that guy you walked up with?" Luci greeted.

Sam walked inside, dropped the bag of Luci's stuff on the floor, and said, "He's just a friend." Luci scrutinized him; Sam could practically feel the skepticism.

"If he's just a friend," Luci noted, "You could've brought him upstairs."

"I didn't want to get you upset," he explained.

"Ha," Luci said, "That's why you've been ignoring my texts and then told me we had to talk. So I would be perfectly calm and relaxed. Right." Luci made a move to sit on the couch.

"I think we should break up," Sam said quickly.

Luci stopped and stood, facing Sam, "Really?"

Sam nodded. Luci swallowed and looked at the floor.

"Does this have anything to do with the man downstairs?" he asked.

Sam balked. "No," he said, "No, it has nothing to do with him. I just can't be with you anymore."

"Why not?" Luci asked. Sam saw Luci's lip quiver and almost moved to hug him. Almost. That was when he knew he really didn't understand his boyfriend. For the first time, Sam was the one causing the pain. And he hated it.

"You hurt me," Sam answered, "All the time. And you don't even care. I can't deal with it anymore."

"I can change," Luci tried, "I really can."

"It's too late for that," Sam said, sadly. Luci's gaze hardened suddenly, as if he took off a mask.

"Fine," he said, with a tone that made Sam very afraid, "Apparently, this hasn't been working out for a while. Nice of you to let me know."

"I'm sorry," Sam said as he made his way to the door. This all had gone much better than expected. He could feel the weight of the situation lift off his shoulders already. He was free. Finally.

Before Sam got to the door, Luci asked, "So, what's his name?"

"What's whose name?"

"That guy who's waiting for you."

Luci was looking down at the street. There was no doubt he was looking at Gabe with that less that fascinated stare. It was as if he'd spotted a bug crawling on the sidewalk. And it pissed Sam off to no end. No one should ever look at Gabe like that.

"His name is Gabriel," Sam answered evenly. Luci turned around and met Sam's gaze. Sam froze. He knew the rage he saw in Luci's eyes. Oh no.

"Look me in the eye, and tell me you don't have feelings for Gabriel." Luci said it like a command. Sam fought the urge to look away. He knew he didn't have to answer this. He could just leave. But he hadn't cheated on Luci, and he wasn't going to let him think he did either.

"I don't have feelings for Gabriel." As the lie rolled off of Sam's tongue, he felt like he'd betrayed Gabe in some way. Like he'd been cheating on Gabe with Luci all this time. But Gabe didn't reciprocate, so none of that made any sense. Luci crossed the room, and his fist connected with Sam's jaw hard.

"Liar!" he shouted. Sam held his face where it was already starting to swell. He shoved Sam into the wall.

"Tell me the truth this time," he hissed, "Do you have feelings for your friend, Gabriel?" Sam hit the wall hard, but he shoved Luci back.

"I already told you. No, I don't." Again the lie churned guilt in his stomach.

Luci grimaced, stepping closer, "Oh, Sam," he said softly, "Always lying."

He brought his knee up between Sam's legs and brought him to his knees in pain. With a sharp kick, Sam was on his back, wondering if his ribs had cracked this time. Luci stood over him.

He asked, "Shall we try this again?" Sam groaned as Luci's boot connected with his torso again.

In an attempt to stop all this, Sam wheezed, "Yes." His vision was still starry from the crotch shot.

"Yes," he elaborated, gaining better control of his breathing, "I have feelings for Gabriel."

Luci took a step back and said, "Thank you for your honesty, you son of a bitch."

He stomped his boot down hard on Sam's left arm. Sam screamed in pain as he heard a sickening snap. He faintly heard footsteps coming up the stairs over the deafening rush of blood in his ears.

No.

Luci could not hurt Gabriel. As Gabe burst through the door, Sam tried to get up to stand between them. He choked on a cry of agony as he realized he wasn't getting up on his own.

Luci laughed, "Are we having fun yet?"

Luci stepped closer to Gabriel and aimed a punch at his face that Gabe caught in mid swing. Gabe took one look at Sam and punched Luci in the side of the head. He hit the ground with a loud thud, and Gabe knelt to check for a pulse. Quickly, he went to Sam.

"Hey," Gabe said, touching the side of Sam's face, "Sam, you with me?" Sam tried to nod, but his head felt too wonky for much sure movement.

"Jesus, Sam. Your arm," Gabe said, "We need to get you to the hospital." Sam tried to look at his arm, but the sight of so much bruising and swelling made his head swim.

Gabe murmured, "Easy, easy. Let's try to sit up, okay?" He helped Sam sit, but the second Sam's arm left the floor, he tried and failed to stifle a cry of pain.

"C'mon," Gabe said, "We need to get downstairs. I'm sorry, but this is really going to hurt." Once on his feet, Sam managed to cradle his broken arm in such a way that the pain was no longer blinding. They walked downstairs, Gabe watching Sam cautiously in case he passed out and fell.

"We should call an ambulance," Gabe said.

"No," Sam said, "The hospital is only a few blocks from here."

"You're crazy. I'm calling an ambulance."

"No, Gabe," Sam said sternly.

He didn't want to get Luci in trouble, but he also really didn't want to stay anywhere near Luci's place. He just wanted to be done with this whole thing.

"Fine," Gabe said, "Compromise." They started walking towards the hospital, each step jarring and painful, while Gabe whipped out his phone. They were halfway there when Charlie pulled up in an unfamiliar car.

"What the hell did you do?" Charlie asked when she saw Sam's arm. He really didn't want to get into it. But they couldn't find out. He didn't want them to know what he'd allowed to happen. This was all his fault anyway.

"I broke up with Luci," he answered, "And he slammed the door. I tried to catch the door and it kinda crushed my arm. It was an accident."

Gabe shot him a look from next to him in the backseat. Sam ignored him. He'd gotten out. There was no need to tell his family now.

Charlie sighed, "Christ, Sam. Well, I already called Dean. He'll be meeting us there with Jo, so she can get her car back."

So it was Jo's car. Charlie eased back into traffic. The car jarred Sam, and he swallowed his pain without making a sound. Gabe touched his good arm.

"Sam," he said, "Don't hold back. Your arm's broken. If it hurts, let it out." Sam knew what Gabe was trying to say. It was over. If he cried out in pain, the pain wouldn't get worse anymore. At the next jerk of the car, Sam yelped, and it felt sort of liberating even though it shouldn't have.

Charlie said, "We're almost there. Two more lights."

Dorothy, Dean, Benny, Jo, Cas, and Balthazar were waiting when they got there. When asked what happened, both Gabe and Sam told the lie Sam made for Charlie. It was an accident. He needed to just leave this all behind him. It was over. His friends and family all had questions, but he wasn't prepared to really answer anything other than it was an accident. Sam honestly wasn't sure why Benny was there since they had never really been friends, but he didn't question it. A nurse came and took Sam to a room with a doctor.

"Do you want us to knock you out for the resetting your bones?" the nurse asked.

He answered, "God, yes."

Before he was sedated, Sam could've sworn he saw Luci in the parking lot through the hospital room window. That hopeful liberation turned to dread just as everything went black.


	24. All Hell Breaks Loose

They were setting Sam's arm. At least, that's what the nurse said. They'd taken an x-ray aftr they knocked Sam out, which they'd be billing Dean for, of course. Their insurance covered most of it, but there was a thirty-dollar copay Sam would have to pay him back for. Dean wasn't upset with Sam, though. He had a broken arm. Shit happens.

That's when he saw him. Luci opened the door to the hospital and walked to the front desk just feet away from them. He had a flashback to seeing Baby wrecked beyond recognition. He clenched his fist. Didn't Charlie say Sam kicked his ass to the curb? Luci was directed over to them. Great. He didn't want to deal with that bitch right now.

"Fucker," Dean said under his breath. Gabriel looked up, saw Luci, and turned as white as a sheet. Cas put a hand on Gabriel's arm.

"How is he?" Luci asked Charlie.

Gabriel stood up and shouted, "You stay the hell away from him." Luci took a step towards him, and Dean could tell they were going to come to blows. He didn't know what all happened with the break up, but if they fought, they'd all get kicked out of the hospital.

He got up and pulled Gabriel away down the hall.

"Dean, you don't understand. You can't let Luci see him," Gabriel said emphatically when Dean finally released him.

"It's not up to me," Dean said, "Sam just broke up with him. I don't have the right to get in the middle of that."

Gabriel shook his head and said, "Sam is going to kill me."

"For what?" Dean asked.

"Luci is abusive, Dean. He's been beating Sam. If you let him see Sam, he might kill him," Gabriel confessed. That was ridiculous. Sam knew better than to put up with an abusive boyfriend. He would've told him he needed help. He would've told him something.

Dean said, "Listen, Gabriel. I get that you don't like Luci, but I don't think—"

"I can prove it if you need me to," Gabriel interrupted, "But you cannot let Luci into that room."

"What do you mean you can prove it? Sam would've told me if—"

"Sam doesn't want you to know." That got Dean's attention.

"What?"

"He told me not to tell you. He thinks you'll blame yourself. He's probably never going to forgive me for telling you, but I won't just let that monster near Sam after what he's done."

Dean stared at him. What had he done?

There was no way this could be true. Sam was a good 6 inches taller than Luci. Even if Luci was violent, Sam would be more than capable to defending himself.

"I still can't-" he started.

Gabriel sighed, "For the love of God, Dean. Why do you think he wears long sleeves all the time? Why do you think he only showers at night when you guys are all sleeping? Why do you think he stopped inviting Luci over to your apartment?"

Dean shook his head.

"It's true, Dean," Cas said.

Dean turned to face his boyfriend.

"What? Cas?" Dean stuttered.

Cas fixed him with a gaze full of remorse, "I overheard them talking about it. Luci has been abusing Sam. He begged me not to tell you. I'm so sorry."

Dean looked over to where Luci was talking to Charlie and Dorothy. If this bullshit was true, he was going to put Luci through a wall.

"Show me," Dean said.

Gabriel walked over to Sam's hospital room and asked the nurse, "Can we see him?"

"He's not awake yet," she said.

"I know," Gabriel said, "Can we see him anyway?"

She looked at him with a confused glance but said, "It's up to his family."

Dean nodded once and walked in trailing Gabriel and Cas behind him.

"How much that x-ray set you back?" Gabriel asked as they approached Dean's sleeping brother.

"Thirty bucks," Dean answered.

"Might be worth it to order another one," Gabriel said. He put his hand on Sam's and looked at him for a minute.

"Dean, I need you to understand something," Gabriel said quietly, eyes not leaving Sam's face, "I'm in love with your brother. That is the only reason I told you anything. When he finds out I told you, he's not gonna want anything to do with me. I don't want him to-Don't tell him I showed you this, don't tell him how I feel, and, please, don't let him go back to Luci."

Dean's stomach tied itself in knots. It couldn't be true. He couldn't have let Sam be abused for five years. It couldn't be true.

Gabriel cleared his throat and lifted up Sam's shirt to his collarbone. There was so much bruising, Dean didn't even know where one started and another began. He was gonna be sick.

Sammy.

What the fuck.

Why didn't he tell him?

"Why didn't you guys tell me?" Dean asked, "How long was this going on? How come I never-Jesus, Sammy." He couldn't focus on anything past the bruising. Sam probably had a broken rib or two under all that. He must have been hit so much for it to get that bad. Dean thought about Sam's sprained ankle and wanted to punch himself in the face.

He looked at Gabriel, "Why didn't you tell me when you knew it was this bad?"

Gabriel looked at Sam briefly, then met Dean's gaze. "He asked me not to," he said.

"How did Sam break his arm?" Dean asked sharply. No more lies. He couldn't deal with any more lies. Sam should've fucking told him what was going on.

Gabriel sighed, "Luci. I don't know what he did, but Sam was on the floor when I got up there."

Dean looked at Sam's fresh cast. Fuck. He pinched the bridge of his nose and turned away from his brother. How did he not know? How could he have let his brother get so hurt? He took a deep breath.

"Dean," Cas started.

"You should've told me," Dean snapped.

"He begged me not to tell you," Cas said, "He was going to leave him. I would've told you if—"

"No, Cas," Dean cut him off, "I don't want to hear it."

Cas stopped him, "Dean, I'm sorry. I—"

Dean stepped around him, "Cas, we're not doing this."

Sam started to wake up. "Why is everything orange?" he asked. Dean turned to look at him. How had he let this happen?

Gabriel looked at Sam sadly and said, "I'm sorry. I had to. I had no other choice."

Dean couldn't be in there. He walked past his boyfriend and left the hospital room.

To the nurse at the reception desk, he said, "Please, do another x-ray on my brother. This time, on his ribs. I'll pay for it if my insurance won't. And do not let that guy into Sam's room." The nurse looked over at Luci, nodded, and paged another nurse to Sam's room.

Dean took a breath. How had he not known about this? Luci was so gonna die.

Before the anger set in, he felt nothing but hurt. He'd been lied to for a long time. He'd been so worried about hurting Cas that he hadn't expected Cas to hurt him. Yet he'd been hiding things from him for days. He knew there'd been something off with him. He shouldn't have dropped it. Cas should've been up front with him. He clenched his fist.

Fuck him.

Cas lied to him, Gabriel lied to him, Sam lied to him the most. But really, this was on Luci. He knew who the real enemy was.

Luci broke his brother.

Luci broke Sam and his Impala.

Deep breaths weren't working. If nothing else, he needed to do this for Baby. It was a long time coming.

He needed space. He needed time. He needed to kill Luci.

He walked to the waiting area, grabbed Luci by the arm, and hauled him out the door into the parking lot.

"What the hell, Dean," Luci complained.

Dean snarled, "You hurt my brother."

Luci rolled his eyes, "He asked for it."

Dean punched him square in the mouth. As he shook out his fist, he shouted, "You son of a bitch!"

It made him feel a little better, but this sick bastard hurt the two things he loved most. If he ever touched Cas, he didn't know what he'd do.

Luci held his jaw with shaky hands. "Was that really necessary?" he asked.

Dean swung his fist into Luci's gut, knocking the wind out of him. "I could do this all day," he said.

He grabbed fistfuls of Luci's jacket and pushed him into the hospital wall hard.

"What are you doing, showing your face here, you sack of shit?" Dean growled.

Luci grinned, "How else would we have these pleasant chats?"

Dean pulled his fist back, preparing to hit him again when Sam ran out and shouted, "Dean, stop! Don't hurt him."


	25. Goodbye Stranger

When Sam woke up in the hospital, he was a bit disoriented but not enough to keep that look on Dean's face from being burned into his memory. There was so much pity and hurt and self-blame and anger and betrayal. Sam couldn't bear it. He knew this would happen. He knew Dean wouldn't take it well. This is why he never told him. He didn't deal with his situation quite the right way, but it was over. There was no reason Dean needed to know.

Yet there he was, walking out of the room like someone ripped his soul out. Cas followed Dean out of the room like an abandoned puppy. He looked so sad and guilty. Sam felt awful for having him lie to Dean. Dean really didn't need to know, but he didn't mean to hurt his brother and Cas by protecting them from what was going on. When Dean left, Sam turned to Gabriel. How could he have done this?

"Why did you tell him? How could you-"

"I didn't have a choice, Sam," Gabe said, his eyes wide and fearful, "Luci was in the waiting room and I couldn't just let him-"

"Luci's here?" Sam asked. So, he hadn't been hallucinating. That was comforting...sort of. If Luci was in the hospital, Dean was going to kill him. Sam got up quickly, making absolutely everything hurt. He looked at his broken arm. The cast was heavier than he thought it'd be.

"Sam, what're you-?" Gabe asked. Sam breathed through the pain and rushed out of the room. Gabe trailed behind him. He wasn't sure where Dean had gone until he hurt a slam from the hospital wall. He ran outside and saw Dean about to throw another punch.

He shouted, "Dean, stop! Don't hurt him." Luci grinned at Sam before Dean hit him hard in the jaw. If he didn't stop him now, there would be no stopping him. Sam grabbed Dean's shoulder with his good arm and tried to pull him off of Luci.

"Let go, Sam," Dean ordered.

"No, Dean," he huffed, shoving against Dean, "Stop." Knowing Luci, he'd probably enjoy the beating. Dean turned to Sam angrily.

"Sam, he hurt you. And he maimed my Baby. And he's a complete prick. I should kick his ass on principle alone," he snapped. Dean turned back to Luci and landed a punch in the same spot on his jaw as the last. Luci groaned and slumped against the hospital wall. Sam grabbed for Dean's arm, but Dean shook him off.

"Dean," Sam said, stepping in front of Luci, "He isn't worth it." His brother pushed him to the side and swung at Luci.

Cas came up behind Dean, wrapped his arms around Dean, and pulled him back.

"Cas, for Christ's sake!" Dean shouted. Cas kept a hold on him tightly. When Sam was sure Cas had a good grip on Dean, he turned to his ex-boyfriend.

"Get out of here," he said quietly.

Luci smiled with a mouth full of blood, "Not without you. I need you, Sam."

Sam said evenly, "No, you don't. And I certainly don't need you. Leave. Now." Luci kissed Sam hard. Sam shoved him away with his unbroken arm, and wiped the blood from his mouth with his sleeve. Dean shook off Cas and walked over, much more calm than before.

"You heard my brother," Dean said. Luci looked from Dean to Sam, but finally backed away. Dean turned to Sam and hugged him gingerly.

"I'm sorry, Sammy," he said. Sam couldn't tell if he was apologizing for beating up Luci or for not doing it sooner, but the guilt in his eyes made him think Dean was sorry for not protecting Sam.

"Dean-" Sam started.

Dean cut him off with a tight smile, "C'mon. We have to get your ribs checked. I already asked for the x-ray." Sam nodded and followed him in. Cas slowly walked in after them, but he went to the waiting room instead of following them down the hall.

As they walked back to Sam's room, Sam said, "Don't be mad at Cas. I asked him not to tell you, and I shouldn't have done that."

Dean sighed, "This is between me and Cas. Don't worry about it."

"Dean, really. It's not his fault. He was trying to be a good friend," Sam tried.

Dean stopped him before going into his room.

"Cas lied to me, Sam. I get that you told him to do it. And you should've fucking told me what was going on," Dean said, "But he still chose to do what you told him to do instead of being honest with me. Just...go get your ribs checked and worry about you, okay?"

Sam sighed and walked into his room where a nurse was waiting for him.

She handed him a lead smock and asked, "Everything okay out there?"

He nodded, "Yeah. No more fights today. Promise."

She smiled, telling him, "Put that on and roll the top down so we can get a good look at your ribcage."

Turned out, he did have a small fracture on one of his ribs, but it wasn't a full break. All they could do for him was to give him pain medication, some variation of vicadin, which they had already prescribed him for his arm.

Jo, Benny, and Balthazar all drove back to the Roadhouse in Jo's car, leaving Sam, Dean, Gabe, Cas, Charlie, and Dorothy to walk back to the apartment. Sam's arm was freezing since he could only wear one sleeve of his jacket. Only Charlie and Dorothy were talking.

"That nurse was adorable," Charlie said, "What was her name again?"

Dorothy replied, "I think she said her name was Tessa."

"Next time we're at the hospital, I'm getting her number," Charlie said happily.

Dorothy shook her head.

Gabe asked, "It doesn't bother you when she talks about other girls like that?"

Dorothy sighed and laughed, "I knew what I was signing up for when I started dating her."

Charlie hugged Dorothy around the middle and turned around to face Gabe. "She knows she's the only bitch for me," she giggled.

Gabe glanced at Sam. Sam looked away awkwardly. He was still really upset that Gabe told Dean. Really, he was more upset with himself. This was his fault. Anything that happened with Dean and Cas was his fault. His arm was his fault. Why did Gabe have to tell Dean? This was so fucked up.

Charlie and Dorothy kept chattering but Gabriel fell silent.

When they got to the apartment, Sam grabbed Gabriel's hand.

"Can we talk?" he asked.

Gabe nodded.

"We'll be up in a minute," Sam said to Dean. Dean hesitated but nodded and walked upstairs. Sam waited till everyone else went inside.

"I get why you told Dean," he said, "I'm pissed as hell about it, but I get it."

Gabe sighed, "Sam, I'm sorry. I know you didn't want him to know, but-"

"It doesn't matter. He knows. I'm just gonna need some time to deal with him," Sam said quickly.

Gabriel nodded and said, "Yeah, I figured. I'll head home."

Sam stopped him and hugged him in an awkward one-armed embrace.

Gabe hugged him back and said in his shoulder, "I'm proud of you, Sam."

Sam let Gabe go and took a step towards his apartment. "Thanks," he said.

At least one of them saw something good in all of this. If he had stayed with Luci, Dean and Cas wouldn't be at odds right now. But he did feel good to be free.

He walked to the door and said, "I'll call you later."

Gabriel smiled and headed off to his place.

Sam started to head upstairs when he heard Dean say, "You should've told me."

Sam raced up the stairs.

"Dean, please," Cas said, "I couldn't tell you. I know-"

Dean opened the door and said, "You should stay somewhere else tonight."

Sam put his hand to Cas' shoulder and said, "Dean, c'mon. It's not his fault."

"Sam, shut up," Dean snapped.

Cas looked at Sam, then Dean. "If you were really worried about hurting me, you wouldn't be doing this," Cas said.

Sam said to Cas, "I'm sorry. I didn't mean for—"

Dean pulled Sam into the apartment and said to Cas, "You can't stay here."


	26. You Can't Handle the Truth

Dean paced in the hallway outside of Sam's room. A week had passed since he kicked Cas out. He hadn't heard from him since then. At this point, he wasn't even sure if they were together anymore. It had also been a week since he and Sam had anything more than distant and cordial interactions. He needed to talk to his brother about Luci, but where the heck would he start? Why did you let this guy beat you? That didn't seem like something that would get Sam talking in the slightest.

"If you have something to say, you might want to actually come in here to say it," Sam called through his door. Dean opened Sam's door and walked in slowly.

"Heya, Sammy," Dean greeted with what he knew was a half- hearted smile.

Sam put down the book he was reading and asked, "You need something?"

"I need to talk to you about Luci," Dean said evenly. Sam swung his legs off the side of his bed and faced Dean.

He countered, "Alright. I need to talk about you and Cas." Dean turned around toward the door and started to pace in Sam's room like he had been in the hall.

"C'mon, Sammy. There's nothing to talk about," Dean tried.

"Then, I guess you don't really have to talk to me about Luci," Sam replied, reopening his book.

He was really going to be a difficult shit about this, wasn't he? Dean pulled Sam's desk chair away from his desk and sat on it backwards, putting himself at eye level with Sam.

"Fine," Dean said, "We can talk about Cas. But if you don't like my answers, you're gonna have to live with that."

Sam put his book down and grinned stubbornly, "Fine. I go first."

"Sammy, that's not how this is gonna-"

"Yes, it is. Why'd you kick Cas out?" Was he serious?

"Sam, you already know why-"

"Dean. Answer the question."

Dammit. What did he want from him? Sam was right there when he told Cas to leave. Was he expecting reality to change or something?

"I told him to go, because he wasn't honest with me. I just can't entirely trust him right now," Dean said.

"Dean, you can't be-"

"My turn," Dean interrupted, "What happened with Luci?"

"Gabe told you," Sam snapped quickly.

Dean shot Sam a look. Here he was, forced to talk about Cas, and Sam was gonna try to get out of this? Ha, no.

Sam said quietly, "I really don't want to say it."

Dean nodded. Sam's voice told him that there was a lot more pain there than he'd thought.

"Okay. How long was that going on?" Dean asked.

Sam hesitated. Dean didn't really want to know how long. If it was the full five years, he knew he was going to be sick. But he wanted at least one straight answer from his brother.

Sam finally answered, "A year and a half."

What.

"Shit, Sam. Why'd you stay with him?" Dean asked.

"Are you still dating Cas?" Sam asked, ignoring the question.

Dean sighed, "I don't know. I want to be, but I haven't heard from him since he left. I don't know where his head's at."

Sam nodded.

"Things used to be better with Luci. That's why I stayed at first, anyway," Sam said, answering Dean's question.

"I'm gonna need a little more than that, Sammy," Dean said.

Sam paused, probably considering ignoring his request, and said, "When I met Luci in high school, he was great. He was fun, he was funny, and even though he was still a she and very uncomfortable, he was adorable. When he transitioned, he was just more of who he always was, and I loved him for it. I know you never really liked him, but he was amazing. We had some really good times."

Sam stopped for a moment, but when Dean didn't say anything, he continued, "Luci was awesome. When he started hitting, it wasn't very hard, and it kind of felt like his other masculine phases. You remember when he was addicted to John Wayne movies?"

Dean grinned. There really was nothing more hilarious than seeing that prick wearing a cowboy hat in the middle of Chicago like it was completely normal.

"Well," Sam said, "The abuse started like that. It wasn't all the time and when it got worse, you know I can take a punch. It didn't seem like anything serious. When it got serious, I started thinking about leaving. But we'd been together for so long. He'd been so amazing for so long. So, I stuck around, hoping he'd go back to how it was before. I know, it's stupid, but I'm stupid, so what're you gonna do?"

Dean shook his head. He'd hung in there with Lisa for much longer than he should've all in the hopes that the fighting would die down. It wasn't anything like Sam's situation, but he got it.

"You're not stupid, Sam," Dean said, "I get it."

Sam nodded half-heartedly, like he didn't believe him.

"Well, anyway, it started getting worse than serious. I figured it wasn't worth it to wait anymore. I was going to leave him, but then he started saying that he'd kill himself if he didn't have me. And I knew he wasn't lying," Sam said, "Then, I found him cutting...Gabe has a friend watching him now to make sure he doesn't do anything stupid. That's the only reason I felt comfortable enough to end it."

Holy shit.

"Sam, why didn't you tell me?" Dean asked.

Sam asked, "Do you want Cas to come back and stay here?"

"Sam, this I ask something, you ask something thing is really not working very well."

"Just answer, Dean."

Fine.

He thought about it. He was much more worried than angry at this point. He'd tried calling Cas a few times, but he never picked up. His friends hadn't seen him, or at least that's what they told Dean.

"Yes," Dean said.

He'd have to search for him, but Dean definitely wanted Cas back. He'd fight for him in a heartbeat if he had to.

"Sam," Dean said, "I'll ask again. Why didn't you tell me?"

"It was just a phase he was going through, so it wasn't a big deal. When it was a big deal, it was my problem that you shouldn't have to deal with. And don't think for a second that I don't know how much you're blaming yourself for all of this," Sam said, making Dean look at the floor.

Yeah, he blamed himself. His brother went through shit for a year and a half without Dean knowing. He could've helped. He could've gotten help. He could've been there for his little brother when he'd needed him.

Sam continued, "Then, there was the shame. How the hell was I supposed to tell you that my boyfriend was beating me?" Sam blinked quickly, which gave Dean the distinct impression that Sam was closer to breaking down than his calm demeanor suggested. Dean considered his next words carefully

"How were you able to tell Gabriel, then, or Cas?" Dean asked slowly. He wanted answers, but the last thing he wanted was to set Sam off.

"Cas just overheard us talking. That was an accident. He was never supposed to know," Sam said, "Gabe was never supposed to see me again. We met randomly, and I...wasn't in the best shape. He let me vent and helped me calm down. I figured a stranger's judgment wouldn't be a big deal. But apparently, he was a friend of Cas', so there was really no avoiding it. Since he already knew what was going on, I was able to talk to him about everything else. And he took care of me..."

Sam paused, then asked, "Are you in love with Cas?"

Dean shook his head, "I dunno. I'm not sure if I've ever been in love, really. Not sure if I'd know if I was."

"I'm in love with Gabe," Sam said quickly, like he wanted to get it off his chest, "But I can't tell him. Not yet, anyway."

Dean wanted to tell Sam about Gabriel's feelings he expressed in the hospital, but he was so out of the loop at this point, there was probably a very good reason why Gabriel told him not to tell Sam.

"How are you guys doing, anyway? Gabriel said you were gonna be really pissed at him," Dean said instead.

Sam nodded, "We're better than I expected. Haven't talked to him since that day, and I am pissed. He had no right to tell you my personal shit even if I should've. If you had to find out what happened with Luci, it should've been from me."

"I don't think you should be pissed at Gabriel. Let's be honest, you weren't going to tell me."

"I don't think you should be pissed at Cas. Let's be honest, Dean, it's my fault he thought he needed to lie."

Fair enough.

After a moment, Sam said, "I should probably talk to Gabe."

Dean nodded, "Good idea."

"Call Cas," Sam ordered.

Dean sighed, "I've tried. He won't answer."

"Then, go find him," Sam said, "I have to go." He stood up quickly and walked out of the room.

Dean followed him. If he did have to hunt down Cas, he'd better get started. Sam shrugged on his jacket and opened the front door.

"Dean!" Sam shouted. Dean ran to the door quickly, adrenaline rushing from the alarm in Sam's voice.

"What…Cas!" Dean yelled. Cas was leaning against the wall opposite their door, seemingly unconscious.

Dean rushed forward and grabbed Cas' face in his hands.

"Cas," he said as he tried to gently shake Cas awake.

Cas opened his eyes and said, "Dean."

He moved to hug Dean, winced, groaned, and slumped forward against Dean's chest. Dean held Cas up and saw where Cas' hand was pressed to his side, blood seeping through his fingers. Dean's heart stopped.

"Sam, call an ambulance," he shouted.

Sam quickly punched numbers into his phone as Dean helped Cas sit on the floor of the hallway. He peeled off his shirt, moved Cas' bloody hand away, and held it to the gash in Cas' side.

"It's gonna be okay, Cas," Dean said.

Cas felt really cold and looked frighteningly pale.

"I've got you," Dean said quietly, "It's gonna be okay."


	27. What Is and What Should Never Be

Jo picked up Sam after Dean left with Cas in the ambulance.

"What happened?" Jo asked as they sped to the hospital.

Sam sighed, "I have no idea." He couldn't even believe this was happening. He adjusted the strap on his sling and stared out the window. It had only been a week since their last trip to the emergency room. What the hell happened to Cas?

"So, umm, Sam, what happened with that?" Jo asked, gesturing to Sam's arm.

"Luci broke it," he said.

Jo gasped, "What? Charlie said something about a door slamming on it, not—"

Sam sighed, "Yeah, I have a lot of people to come clean with. Luci broke my arm, because I broke up with him."

"Holy shit, Sam," Jo muttered.

They swung into the hospital parking lot, and Jo parked in the first spot she found haphazardly. When they got out, Sam saw one of Jo's tires up on the curb next to the parking spot.

He shot his eyebrows up at her and she sighed, "Not a word. Let's go."

They ran up to the reception desk.

Jo said, "We're looking for Castiel Novak. He was brought in here by ambulance not too long ago."

The woman behind the desk nodded and said, "He's been admitted to the ICU. Just go down this hallway. You'll find the waiting room at the end." Sam and Jo found Dean sitting in the waiting room with his head in his hands.

"Dean," Sam said.

Dean looked up and Sam almost had to look away. His brother's eyes were red, his jaw was clenched, and Sam could tell Dean was only seconds away from crying again. Sam pulled Dean into a hug.

"I didn't get to apologize," Dean said muffled by Sam's shoulder.

Dean clung onto him for a moment until a doctor walked into the waiting room.

"There wasn't much bloodloss, so that's good. Do you know the last time he's had anything to eat?" the doctor asked.

Dean shook his head.

Sam explained, "We haven't seen him in a week."

The doctor nodded and said, "Well, he's in and out, since I'm guessing he hasn't had a good meal in a few days, but he just needed a few stitches. You can go see him if you want. I'll have a nurse in to bring him some food." Dean rushed down the hall to Cas' room. Sam and Jo followed quickly. Cas was asleep when they walked in. Dean sat on the edge of his bed, holding Cas' hand.

"Do you know what happened yet?" Jo asked.

Dean said quietly, "He was mugged outside our building."

"What? Did they take anything?" Sam asked.

Dean shrugged, "I don't know. He told me it was a mugging while we were in the ambulance. I doubt they got anything, though. He doesn't have much to take."

Jo sighed, "I'm just glad he's gonna be okay."

Dean nodded absently and stroked a thumb down the back of Cas' hand. It was odd to feel like everything was going to be okay while standing in the middle of a hospital. A nurse came in with a tray of food and checked Cas' IV bag quickly before leaving.

Dean gently woke up Cas and said, "Hey, you need to eat." Cas nodded sleepily. Dean brought the tray of food over to Cas and gave him a chunk of corn bread to nibble on.

It got way too intimate way too quickly, so Sam saw his way out of the room.

A minute later, Dean stepped out into the hall and said, "Hey, since it's just stitches, Cas can probably go home today, so I'll see you there. You should go talk to Gabriel."

Sam nodded. He'd almost forgotten that he was on his way to Gabe's when this all happened.

"Yeah, I'll see you later," Sam said.

Jo said quickly, "I'll drive you. It's freezing out. Dean, call me when you guys are ready to leave. I don't want Cas walking home in his condition."

Dean nodded and said a quick "Thanks" before walking back to Cas' side. Sam and Jo left for the parking lot feeling much better knowing Cas would be okay.

When Sam got over to Gabe's he wasn't sure what he was going to say. He rang Gabriel's doorbell as Jo pulled away. The first of lake-effect snow flurries started falling as Sam waited. Unfortunately the snow was falling in fat flakes, so when Gabe finally answered the door, he laughed and brushed a substantial amount of snow from Sam's hair.

Gabe smiled and pulled him inside. Sam knew he would be happy waking up to that smile every day.

"I'm sorry I didn't call," Sam said when they went down to Gabe's door.

Gabe said, "Well, this makes up for not calling. I didn't think I'd be seeing you for a really long time if ever."

Sam nodded awkwardly and sat on Gabriel's futon stiffly. "And here I am," he said for a lack of anything else to say.

"So," Gabriel said, sitting on next to Sam, "Do I get to sign it?"

Sam rolled his eyes, "Really?"

Gabe nodded profusely and jumped up to grab a sharpie out of a drawer in the kitchen.

Sam undid his sling and held out the cast. He hated the thing. Everytime he saw it, he was overcome with the urge to crack his wrist or twist his arm in motions that the cast strictly prevented. It was the most annoying thing to be conscious of. Gabe signed his name quickly, and surprisingly neatly, throwing a smiley face next to his signature.

"Happy?" Sam asked.

Gabe grinned up at Sam, "Very."

After Gabe recapped the sharpie, Sam said, "You know, I don't know how to thank you."

"For what?" Gabe asked.

"For what?! Are you serious?" Sam said, "If it weren't for you, I would've never been free of Lucifer. You're the only reason I'm here right now. You're always looking out for me. And I will never be able to thank you enough."

Gabe laughed, "You're gonna give me one hell of an ego talking like that."

"I'm serious, Gabe. Thank you," Sam said.

Gabriel's smile softened, "You're welcome. You know how you can really thank me? Be happy." Sam didn't know how to respond to that. He was happier than he'd been in years.

"I am happy," Sam said.

Gabe said, "Not I-just-got-out-of-hell happy. I mean really happy. I mean enjoying life again happy." Sam wondered briefly how perceptive Gabe really was. Did he know how fucked up Sam was in the head?

"I'll try," Sam answered truthfully. He'd settle for not being in pain to be quite honest, but being happy did sound nice. He couldn't imagine being happy without Gabriel, which is why his next words shocked him even as he said them.

"I think we shouldn't hang out for a while," Sam said.

"What? Sam, I don't-"

"I need some time to adjust to everything that's happened." And he did. Being around Gabe was just going to make him want to date him. He didn't have ties to Luci holding him back anymore. But he couldn't just jump into something so soon after Luci.

"I get that, but we're friends," Gabe said, "Friends help friends adjust to psycho ex's being out of the picture, right?"

Sam swallowed. He wanted to stay. He wanted to kiss Gabe and tell him how he felt and try to make up for every ounce of kindness Gabe had shown him by loving him with all he had.

Sam said, "I need to know that I'm okay on my own. I haven't been single since...nearly junior high. I need to feel like I'm strong, that I can stand on my own two feet and be okay. If we keep hanging out, I'll start using you as a crutch, I know it." He didn't want to leave, but if he was serious about this break, he couldn't stay. He got up and put his arm back in his sling.

Gabriel looked up at Sam from the futon and asked, "This isn't forever, is it?"

Sam turned around and hugged Gabe.

He could kiss him. He could kiss him and tell him and stay and be happy. But he needed this. He needed to stop feeling so fucking powerless and useless and awful. He needed to stop bringing all of that shit into Gabe's life.

"Of course not. You're the best friend I've ever had," Sam said into Gabriel's shoulder. He released his friend and put his jacket back on. Walking home in the snow was gonna suck. But he could do this. Hopefully.

As Sam approached the door, Gabe said, "I'll wait for you as long as it takes."

The look of determined stoicism and that missing smile broke Sam's heart in ways he didn't know were possible. If he ever forgave himself for making Gabriel look like he was struggling to hold himself together, it would come as a serious shock. Honestly, Sam wasn't sure if he would ever see Gabe again. He wasn't sure if he could even be fixed, even by time. He was truly and seriously damaged in ways even Gabriel wouldn't be able to heal. Gabe deserved better than a train wreck like Sam. And if he deserved a better friend, he definitely deserved a better person to love.

Sam walked out the door and tried to pretend like everything was going to be okay.


	28. Torn and Frayed

Dean was curled up with Cas in the hospital bed watching him munch on some broccoli. Hospital food seemed pretty crappy, so after Cas was finished absorbing his IV bag of water and they could leave, Dean was making him real food to make up for it.

The silence between them started to grow uncomfortable. Cas swallowed his last piece of broccoli. Dean didn't know what to bring up first. How sorry he was for kicking him out, how sorry he was that Cas got stabbed, why Cas was outside his building in the first place, why he hadn't eaten, why his friends hadn't seen him, how sorry he was for blaming Cas for Sam's withheld information. He could go on. He felt awful.

"I'm sorry," they said at the same time.

Dean balked. "What're you saying sorry for, Cas? If it weren't for me, you wouldn't even be in here," he said.

Cas shook his head, "That was the mugger, not you. I'm sorry I didn't tell you about Sam."

"It's okay. I know Sam twisted your arm. I'm sorry I got so mad about it," Dean replied.

"You had every right to be mad," Cas said, "I should've told you. It just didn't feel right. I didn't want to lie to you, but it was very clearly not my secret to share."

Dean wrapped an arm around Cas' shoulders.

He nestled his head between his boyfriend's neck and shoulder and said, "I understand. I'm not mad, Cas. I should never have been mad at you. It's okay."

Cas reached for a spoon to take a bite of vanilla pudding.

Before occupying his mouth with food, Cas asked, "Are we okay?"

Dean backed off of Cas to look at him directly.

"Are we okay?" Dean echoed, "Can you ever forgive me for-"

"Yes," Cas said quickly, "Of course. There's nothing to forgive. I understand why you-"

"I kicked you out, Cas. I kicked you out on the street like it was nothing. I am so sorry. I never should've hurt you like that. I never wanted to-I'm sorry," Dean said.

Cas kissed Dean quickly.

Cas said, "I was upset, but I know why you did it. I forgive you. Is that the only reason why we might not be okay?"

Dean nodded. "Nothing else comes to mind," he said.

Cas smiled, "Then, we're okay."

Dean pressed Cas' lips to his.

"We're better than okay," Dean said.

Cas laid back on Dean's chest and pulled the food tray up with him.

"Can I ask why you haven't eaten in a while?" Dean asked after a bit.

"It was only five days. I stayed with Gabriel for two days and he gave me waffles," Cas said, "But mainly, I didn't eat because I left Gabriel's place and I didn't have anywhere else I wanted to go. And I'm broke, so restaurants were out of the question."

"You couldn't have gone to Balthazar's?" Dean asked.

Dean's stomach flipped uncomfortably. Cas hadn't eaten because Dean kicked him out, and he was too afraid of making things worse to come back. Goddammit. The stitches may not be Dean's fault, even though Cas wouldn't have been mugged if he had been home with Dean, but the five days without food was entirely Dean's fault. Shit. Dean was the worst person he knew. Aside from Luci. Maybe.

"I didn't want to tell him about getting kicked out. I understood why you did it after a few hours, but Balthazar would be much less forgiving," Cas replied.

Dean asked, "What about Benny?"

Cas shook his head, "Benny is my friend, but he is also yours. I didn't want to tell him either since I didn't want to make him feel like he had to choose or something."

Dean nodded and wrapped his arms around Cas. "I'm so sorry, Cas," he said quietly.

Cas put the tray aside. He flipped over to look up at Dean.

"It's okay, Dean," he said, "I'm okay."

Dean sighed, "You could've so easily been not okay."

"Yeah, and that would've been my problem. This is not your fault," Cas said. Dean nodded, but he couldn't help it. None of this would've happened if he'd just grown a pair and let Cas stay even if he was upset. Cas resumed eating and relaxed against Dean's shoulder.

"Next time we fight or I get mad or something," Dean said quietly, "The furthest I'm kicking you out is to the couch, okay?"

"I do really like that couch," Cas said with a grin.

Dean asked quickly, "Did the muggers take anything?"

Cas shook his head. Around a spoonful of pudding, he said, "No. They asked for money, but I didn't have any. So, they searched me. Apparently, my being without cash frustrated them, because that's why they stabbed me."

Before Dean could respond to that, a nurse came in and said, "It looks like you're done with the fluids." He peeled back the tape on Cas' arm and pulled out the IV needle which was much longer than Dean had expected. The nurse pressed a gauze pad to Cas' arm where it had started to bleed.

He pulled out a pressure bandage from one of his pockets and told Cas, "Leave all this on for at least four hours."

Cas nodded quickly.

As the nurse grabbed the empty IV bag, he said, "The doctor said you're free to go when you're ready, but not to rush you or anything, we do need this room pretty soon. Just got another emergency in."

Cas sat up slowly. He'd only needed three stitches, but it was probably a good idea not to push it. He was going to have a pretty decent scar on his side.

"Does that hurt at all?" Dean asked as he slid out from the hospital bed.

Cas shook his head, "They numbed the area to put the stitches in. I can't feel it at all, which frankly, feels exceedingly weird."

Dean handed Cas the shirt he got him from the hospital gift shop. Cas' shirt wound up being cut open in the ambulance, whereas Dean's was so blood-soaked from holding it against Cas' stab wound that he decided to just toss it out. After it was clear Dean couldn't have accompanied Cas into the operating room, he ran over to the gift shop, bought them both shirts, and waited in the waiting room for any news.

Cas took the shirt and slipped it on carefully. When they walked out to the reception desk, Dean watched Cas in case he was weaker than he seemed. Eating something really made a difference in the pale, half dead look Cas had come in with.

"Castiel Novak?" the lady behind the desk asked.

Cas nodded.

She said, "It's a thirty dollar copay and the doctor left a note here saying you need to come back in two weeks to get those stitches out."

Dean handed her his debit card and said, "No more hospital trips for a while, alright?"

His wallet was really starting to feel it. He was out 90 bucks from Sam and Cas combined, and the hospital hadn't yet billed him for the stuff the school insurance didn't want to cover. He may have to start working at the garage earlier this year.

Dean pulled his phone out of his pocket and called Jo.

She picked up right away and, before he could say anything, she said, "Be right there." Then she hung up.

Dean put his phone away, having not said a single word, and told Cas, "She's on her way." Cas shot him a quizzical look but didn't ask.

When Jo got there, Dean saw it was pretty steadily snowing. He took off his jacket and handed it to Cas.

"We're just going to the car, Dean," Cas protested.

Dean sighed, "You just had stitches, and I figured I'd be a good boyfriend and make sure you don't get too cold. If nothing else, please take it so Jo doesn't smack me for not giving it to you."

Cas accepted the jacket and pulled it on.

"It would be pretty funny to see Jo hit you," he said.

Dean laughed, "Shut up." The ride back to Dean's place was pretty smooth, and it was even better given the fact Cas spent the whole ride with his head on Dean's shoulder. When they got home, Dean was worried for a minute that Cas was asleep, and he'd have to carry him upstairs. But Cas stirred right as Jo pulled up to curb.

"For the love of God, be careful," Jo said as they got out of the car, "This car may be fast, but it's not a freakin' ambulance. You guys stay safe."

Dean nodded at Jo from outside the car, "Yes, ma'am."

Jo rolled her eyes and drove away.

As they walked inside, Dean decided Cas could wear his leather jacket whenever he wanted; it was slightly too big for him, and he was absolutely adorable wearing it. His fingers barely made it past the sleeves. So. Fucking. Cute.

When they got to the apartment, Charlie ran out of her room and hugged Cas tightly.

"Careful, Charlie," Dean said, "The guy just got stitches."

She released Cas quickly like she broke him, "Oh my God. I'm sorry! I didn't even think-I'm glad you're okay."

He smiled, "It's fine."

Charlie, much more slowly and gently, hugged Cas again.

"I'm glad you're home," she said against his chest.

He hugged her back and said, "Me too."

Charlie released Cas and said to them, "Well, I'll leave you to it."

She quickly retreated to her room where Dean heard her say to Dorothy, "Cas is back and he's not dead and Sam's back and he's not dead and Dean's fine and I'm so happy right now."

Cas turned to Dean and asked, "Sam's back? I thought you said he went to Gabriel's."

"He did," Dean said, "If he's here, it may not have gone well."

Cas walked over to Sam's room and knocked on the door. Dean was going to suggest letting Sam come talk to them when he was ready, but Cas' direct approach could work, too.

"Come in," Sam said. Cas walked in and Dean followed suit. Cas sat next to Sam on the bed.

"How are you?" Cas asked, as if he wasn't the one who just got out of the hospital.

Sam shrugged, "I don't know. I'm glad you're okay. I'm really glad you're here, and Dean isn't being a dick. So, I'm kind of good, but I might've done something stupid."

"What'd you do?" Dean asked in a teasing tone.

Cas shot him a look to stop joking.

Sam sighed, "I feel like I broke up with Gabe."

Cas cocked his head to the side, "Were you dating him?"

"No," Sam said, "But I told him we shouldn't hang out anymore."

"Why?" Dean asked.

"Because I want to date him," Sam replied, "I just got away from Luci, though. I don't want anything serious for a while. And Gabe is Gabe and...I need to get my head straight before I see him again."

Dean nodded. It made sense that Sam wouldn't want a relationship right away after all that shit. But he didn't think Sam was telling the full story. Something else was there. He made a mental note to keep a close eye on Sammy until he figured out what was up. No more fucking secrets.

Cas said quietly, "Did Gabriel take it well?"

"Yeah, he took it surprisingly well," Sam said.

Cas nodded, "I should call him. I doubt he's really okay."

Sam stared at him, "What? Why wouldn't he be?"

Cas put a hand on Sam's shoulder and fixed him with a strong gaze. Dean felt for Sam's predicament of being stared at like that. Cas could be really fucking intense.

"He really cares about you, Sam," Cas said evenly, "He's going to be worried about you, especially if he can't see you."

Sam nodded and looked at the floor.

Dean stood up and said, "We'll see how Gabriel's doing in the morning. In the meantime, Cas needs rest. Sammy, I want you to do what you think is best. If you think being away from Gabriel is good for you, do it. If you think seeing him would be better, fine. Just try to be happy, okay?"

Sam looked up at Dean and nodded, "Okay."

Cas stood up and joined Dean at the door.

"Goodnight," Cas said before he left. Sam gave Cas a tight smile.

Dean put a hand on Sam's arm. "It'll be okay, Sammy," he said, "Goodnight." He followed Cas out into the hall and closed Sam's door.

They crossed the hall to their room, and Dean helped Cas out of his shirt so he wouldn't stretch his stitches. After he disrobed down to his boxers, he sat on the bed and gently tugged Cas' pants off. Cas helped a little, but Dean liked to believe he did most of the work.

A soft sound caught Dean's attention, but since they lived in an apartment building, noises happened all the damn time. He dismissed it and lay down next to Cas.

He curled his arm around his boyfriend and said, "I missed this."

Cas smiled, "I missed your bed."

Dean propped himself up on an elbow. "I'm never letting you go again," he said, "I promise."

Cas hugged Dean, one of his stitches scratching against Dean's bare stomach.

"Good. I'm holding you to that," Cas said. Dean grinned and kissed Cas softly.

"You should get some rest," he said. Cas nodded and curled up against Dean's chest.

That soft sound pricked at Dean's ears again. It was quiet, but it didn't sound like it was coming from their neighbors. Suddenly, he knew what the noise was. And he knew there was nothing he could do about it. Dean shut his eyes and tried to drown out the muffled sobs coming from Sam's room with Cas' steady breathing. Only Gabriel would be able to help Sam. Nothing Dean or Cas said would do any good. He just wished his brother wasn't hurting so bad.

"Is that Sam?" Cas mumbled.

Dean nodded, "Yeah, it is."

Cas lifted his head.

"I don't think we should leave him alone," Cas said.

Dean sighed and sat up.

Cas rubbed his back softly, making Dean want to lay right back down and make out with Cas.

"We can cuddle later," Cas said.

Dean stood up and got his shirt and pants back on. Cas did the same.

Before Dean even left the room, Cas walked across the hall and into Sam's room without even knocking. Dean was partially worried at how Sam would react to the intrusion and partially impressed at how Cas had some serious balls doing that.

Sam sat up, surprised, and Cas hugged him. Dean leaned against Sam's doorway as he watched his brother cry into his boyfriend's shirt.

This was one of those things he did not think he'd see when he woke up in the morning. As Sam started to calm down, Dean realized that if Sam wanted to get his head straight before seeing his friend, Gabriel was going to be waiting for a long time.

"Cas doesn't think we should be leaving you alone tonight," Dean said when Sam stopped crying.

Sam sniffed and asked, "What?"

"You seem very upset," Cas explained, "Usually company can help with that."

Sam smiled and told Cas, "I'll be fine. Thank you for sitting with me, but I'll be fine. Go to bed."

Cas nodded and stood up, clearly not wanting to press the issue.

Dean said, "If you need anything, including a hug from Cas apparently, we'll be across the hall."

Sam nodded and said, "Thanks guys."

Dean and Cas went back to their room. After undressing yet again and getting back in bed, Dean was asleep within seconds of hitting the pillow.


	29. Sacrifice

Sam couldn't stop thinking about Gabe. He woke up after having been hugged by Cas for a prolonged period of time the night before just wanting Gabe. He wanted to text him to see what he was doing, or call him to hear his voice even if he just got the voicemail. But he couldn't. It wouldn't be fair to Gabe to drag him down with Sam's fucked up life. He rolled over in bed and immediately felt Gabriel in his arms. But Gabriel wasn't there.

Sam got up quickly. Being in bed was not going to be easy if he kept feeling Gabe every time he moved. It was about time for breakfast anyway. Walking into the kitchen, he knew this was going to be a bad day.

He asked Dean and Cas, who were curled up with each other on the couch, "Have you guys had breakfast?"

Dean looked down at Cas, who seemed to be sleeping, and replied quietly, "Nope. I just got up."

"Pancakes or waffles?" Sam asked.

Dean softly nudged Cas awake and asked, "You want pancakes or waffles?"

Cas yawned, stretched, and mumbled, "Bacon."

Dean laughed.

Sam shook his head. He didn't need to be reminded of that morning after spooning Gabe the first time. He really didn't. But the kitchen had done it already. Every time he went to grab something, he'd turn around remembering where Gabe had been standing when they made breakfast together. Maybe this idea to keep away from Gabe wasn't as great as he thought.

He grabbed the flour and tried to focus on the soft, fluffy texture. This was for the best. Gabriel would be better off without having to deal with him. This could be okay. Sam mixed together the dry ingredients, grabbed the eggs. There were only four eggs left, so they could still have either waffles or pancakes.

"Waffles or pancakes? Last chance," Sam said.

Dean got up from under Cas and joined Sam in the kitchen.

"Waffles, I guess," Dean said. Sam reached for an egg. It slipped from his fingers and cracked open all over the counter.

"Dammit," Sam said. The last time that happened, Gabriel had laughed for minutes and wiped it up from behind Sam, way too close to Sam's back. Sam slammed his fist into the counter, trying to forget that painful and wonderful memory.

"Sam?" Dean said, "It's just an egg, it's not a big deal."

Sam nodded and said, "Well, we don't have enough eggs for waffles now."

Dean put a hand on Sam's shoulder.

"We can have pancakes. It's not a big deal," Dean said.

Sam couldn't stop thinking about Gabriel.

Sam shook his head, "That's not why I-I just need a minute."

He took a breath, trying to focus, but he kept seeing the inside of Gabe's flat, eating breakfast with Gabe, falling asleep with Gabe. He really needed to stop thinking about him.

Dean looked at Sam, concerned, and said, "Why don't you go chill with Cas on the couch and I make breakfast?"

Sam nodded, head swimming with thoughts of missing Gabriel. His chest ached, thinking about him. Maybe it didn't have to be forever. Gabe didn't seem to mind trying to fix Sam.

But he could never ask it of him. He couldn't be that selfish.

He wandered over to the couch and plopped next to Cas who was staring at Sam curiously.

"For what it's worth," Cas said quietly, "I think you should call him."

"Have you talked to him? Is he...?"

Cas looked at him groggily and said, "I woke up literally five minutes ago. Don't ask stupid questions."

Sam rolled his eyes and slumped back against the couch.

"We're going to Gabriel's after breakfast, though. You can come, too, if you want," Cas offered.

Sam shook his head. "I can't," he said.

Cas nodded, "Suit yourself."

He really wanted to go. He wanted to go and tell Gabe how much he meant to Sam. There was so much he wanted to get off his chest, and there was so much Gabe needed to hear. But he was broken, just like his stupid arm. Gabe couldn't fix it, so why let him waste the effort.

He knew he was broken. If he dated Gabriel, he wouldn't even know what to do. He'd quickly fall back into his pattern of texting once a night to check in, telling him where he was going, who he'd be with, asking permission before talking to friends. This is what he was used to. He didn't know how to be a boyfriend any other way. And Gabe would have to break all of that. And what if Gabe wanted to have sex at some point? Sam wasn't at all sure if he was ready to have sex again. And he may never be. Not after all the pain with Luci. Gabe would have way too much to tackle, and that wasn't even including any blows to his mental state and self-esteem that were completely justifiable to speculate on.

Dean got Sam's attention by waving a plate of pancakes in front of his face.

"Dude, food. You're still planning on eating, yeah?" Dean asked.

Sam nodded and wandered over to the table where Dean plopped down his plate.

As he picked up his fork and started to cut into the pancakes, he started to feel a little better. Maybe he was hungrier than he thought.

The syrup drenched bite of pancake touched his tongue and suddenly he was back on Gabriel's futon before ridding his room of Luci's things. He blinked and swallowed, nearly breathless from the strength of how much he missed being at Gabriel's. This was ridiculous. He'd only seen Gabe yesterday. The idea of not seeing him again was killing him. It was necessary, though.

Sam looked up to see Dean staring at him.

"What?" Sam asked.

Dean asked, "You alright?"

Sam nodded.

Dean put down his fork and raised his eyebrows.

Sam glanced at his hands. He was squeezing his fork so hard, his knuckles were white. He dropped his fork and got up abruptly.

"I need some fresh air," he said.

"Sam," Dean said.

Sam ignored him. He grabbed his jacket and shoes and walked out the door, leaving his pancakes relatively uneaten. As the cold city air hit him, he started to relax. He started to think that he'd had a panic attack. If that wasn't proof that he was too broken for Gabe to handle, he didn't know what was. He shoved his hands in his jacket pockets, started walking, and focused on taking slow, deep breaths of freezing, cold air.

Maybe it wouldn't be forever. It couldn't be. He couldn't just cut his best friend off.

But that's exactly what he was doing. He was a horrible person. Gabe wouldn't want to be around him. This was all his fault. If he hadn't stayed with Luci, he wouldn't be so fucked up. If he wasn't such a fucking head case, he could be with Gabe in a heartbeat. But he couldn't do that to his friend. Not with how much of a mess he was. How could he ask anyone to deal with him? This was on him. This was all on him. Any pain Gabe was feeling was solely his fault. It was all his fault.

No, this was Luci's fault. If he hadn't hurt Sam, none of this would be happening. And he'd never forgive Luci for depriving him of Gabriel. Fuck him. Fuck everything that had anything to do with him. And fuck Gabriel, too. Gabriel could have fought for him. He could've told Sam he was being stupid, and he could've stopped him from leaving. Why didn't he? Didn't he care? Didn't he want Sam around?

But what made him different from anyone else? Dean and Cas didn't want Sam around either. He was just in their way, preventing them from displaying the sort of affection they wanted to out of consideration to his fucking feelings. Charlie and Dorothy didn't want Sam around. They had bigger problems to deal with, like getting Dorothy's insurance straightened out. The last thing they needed was Sam whining about his stupid fucking mistakes.

He knew that wasn't true. He knew Gabe was trying to be supportive and let Sam make his own decisions. He knew Dean and Cas just wanted him to be happy. He knew Charlie and Dorothy loved him. Just because he knew this didn't make anything any easier. He hurt them. He hurt and lied to all of them. Dammit.

He refocused on his breathing.

Inhale.

All his fault.

Exhale.

Fuck everything.

Inhale.

Why was he such an idiot?

Exhale.

He wished he'd never been born. He just wanted to curl up in a ball and die.

He thought about letting off some steam by punching the nearest wall, but that would just remind him of how he met Gabe.

Goddammit. He thought about going skating at Millennium Park. But that would only make him remember trying to convince Gabe to go skating. He had pled uncoordinated and fought Sam on every attempt to go skating. He'd get him to go someday, though. Except he wouldn't because he was never seeing Gabriel again.

God. Fucking. Dammit.

Not remotely calmer, Sam kept walking around the block until he got back to the apartment. While he was not on the verge of having a panic attack, he was not prepared to talk to Dean about ditching breakfast. As he walked inside, he shrugged off his jacket, kicked off his shoes, and sank into the couch.

"Sam," Dean said, walking over slowly, "You wanna tell me what happened to possess you to skip on pancakes?"

"No," Sam answered.

Before Dean could say anything, Cas touched Dean's arm and asked Sam, "You want to watch something on Netflix?"

Now, there was an idea.

"Sure," Sam said.

Cas grabbed the tv remote, and Dean nudged on Charlie's Xbox 360.

They watched Labyrinth, Face/Off, and copious pilots of tv shows they'd never heard of.

Eventually, Charlie came out from being on the phone with the school insurance office to grab some food. She held her cell phone between her cheek and shoulder.

"If I add every minute I've been on hold to my age, I think I might be older than Galadriel," she sighed, earning a chuckle from Cas.

Sam focused harder on the pilot of Orange is the New Black. He didn't want to think about Lord of the Rings. He didn't want to think about Gabe sleeping on him through Return of the King. After the episode, which contained a startling amount of lesbians and girl on girl everything, Sam went to bed.

It was only 8pm, and they hadn't had dinner yet, but he wasn't tired and he didn't want to think. He was too emotionally exhausted to think much anyway. This was going to be a long life.

In the morning, the only reason he got out of bed was the constant phantom feeling of Gabe's chest against his back, which was slowly driving him insane. He blinked against the light coming from the hallway. When he could see, he saw Dean and Cas holding hands in the kitchen. He really didn't want to be awake.

Dean said "Good morning" with false cheer.

Sam glanced up at his brother and muttered, "What's so good about it?"

Charlie said quickly and cheerfully, "Hey there, Mister Grumpy Gills."

Sam rolled his eyes.

Cas walked away from Dean stood in front of Sam, almost like he was at attention.

"We are going to go to IHOP for breakfast," Cas said, "You might want to get dressed."

"Why are we going out for breakfast?" Sam asked.

Dean grinned, "Well, we don't have any more eggs. And you might enjoy breakfast more if we're out and you can pick whatever you want."

Sam knew Dean didn't want him freaking out again. IHOP probably wouldn't bring up any memories for him. He never went there with Gabe. He only went there with Luci once since Luci preferred Denny's.

"Okay," Sam said quietly, "I'll get ready."

Maybe it was a day by day thing. Maybe today would be better. Maybe he could really do this.


	30. Home

As it turned out, IHOP was a pretty good idea. Sam seemed much more at ease than Dean had seen him in a really long time. He glanced at Sam's cast and saw the signature curling around the green plaster. Something was seriously going on with him, and Dean had a feeling Gabriel's name and smiley face was doing him no favors. But for the moment Sam seemed alright.

They were all seated around a few tables pushed together. Sam sat across from Dean. Cas was in between Dean and Dorothy. Charlie sat over by Dorothy, leaving a gap between her and Sam.

"Do you know what you're gonna get?" Dean asked Cas.

Cas shrugged. "I don't know," he said, "I'm torn. It all looks good."

Dean already knew he was getting the Bacon Lover's Omelet.

"Can we split this?" Cas asked.

Dean grinned at the prospect of sharing food with his boyfriend. He looked at what Cas was pointing to.

"What the hell is 'Loaded Bacon and Potato Soup'?" Dean asked.

Sam laughed, "That'll kick your ass if you have that and the bacon omelet together."

"How'd you know that's what I-?"

"When don't you get that from IHOP?"

"We haven't been here in a long ass time," Dean argued.

"Yeah," Sam said, "But I know you."

Dean started looking at the menu again as he said, "Yes, Cas, we can split the soup."

The waitress arrived, took their order, - French toast was an acceptable back up to the bacon omelet, right? - and walked off to fill it.

That's when he realized the idea to go to IHOP was a horrible idea. He heard someone shout his name and he immediately recognized the voice.

His heart lurched, and Cas looked at him, concerned.

He must've been hallucinating. He hadn't seen the car outside, but as a small, excited Ben ran up their table, he knew this was real.

"Hey, buddy," Dean said, "What're you doing here?" He got up and picked Ben up with one arm.

Ben said, "We're having breakfast and lunch."

"Brunch?"

"That's not a real word," Ben said as if it was the most obvious thing.

Dean quickly adjusted Ben in his arm and said, "Oh, where are my manners? Ben, this is Cas."

Cas smiled at the little boy, saying, "Hi, Ben."

Ben waved quickly, then started talking a mile a minute at Dean about school, about home, about Lisa, about Lisa's new boyfriend who she was apparently on a date with, about everything that Dean missed.

Cas shot Dean a look to ask if he was okay. Dean met his gaze but didn't know how to respond. He wasn't quite sure if he was okay or not. It was nice to see Ben, but there was a lot of pain in this little run in.

"Why did you go away?" Ben asked.

Dean's breath caught. How was he supposed to answer that?

"Umm...it's complicated. Your mom and I were fighting, and...we felt it was best if we weren't together anymore."

"Was it because of me?" Ben asked quietly. Sam looked at Dean, but he barely even registered it. He turned away from the table and carried Ben towards the area he'd run away from.

"No," Dean said quickly, "No, it wasn't you. You're the best, kid. Your mom and I had some problems. We just weren't right for each other. It had nothing to do with you."

Ben hugged Dean tightly and said, "I miss you."

Dean would not allow himself to cry in a fucking IHOP. He put Ben down and saw Lisa's parents sitting at a booth watching them. He was not looking forward to talking to them. Dean crouched to Ben's eye level.

"I miss you, too, Ben. I would give anything if I could hang out with you. But your mom and I don't really get along. She'd probably get pretty mad," Dean said, "You're a strong kid. You'll be fine. Be good to your mom, okay?"

Ben nodded and wrapped his little arms around Dean's neck. In order to lighten the mood, Dean stood up quickly, letting Ben dangle from his neck, giggling uncontrollably. He walked over to Lisa's parents with Ben and plopped the kid in the booth.

"Hey, Dean," Lisa's mom said. Dean didn't want to think of all the time he'd spent at their house while he was in high school. There were times even Sam stayed there overnight when it got too cold to find shelters or stay out on the streets. The two people he was looking at were the closest thing to loving parents he'd had since he was four. "Hey," Dean replied.

"How've you been?" her father asked.

Dean said, "I've been alright, sir, and yourselves?" He desperately wanted to run back to the table and to Cas and pretend like this wasn't happening.

"We've been good. It's not the same without you kids running around the house," Lisa's dad said. Dean nodded, remembering the times they forced food on him, when they included him in Christmas traditions, when they declared him a member of the family...Dean blinked and broke the suddenly awkward silence.

"I should get back to my table. Our food should be here soon," Dean said.

They nodded, Lisa's mom saying, "Take care of yourself, Dean."

He said a quick, "You, too."

He waved goodbye to Ben, getting a shy wave in return, and left the child with his grandparents.

Dean sat back down next to Cas and put his head on the table. Cas rubbed Dean's back in a comforting gesture.

Sam asked, "Are you okay? You want to leave?"

Dean, not moving his head from the table, shook his head, "It's fine. Food's coming. Let's just eat." Why did they have to be there? At least he got to say goodbye to Ben this time. He just wanted to forget. That was the only way that the whole thing wasn't going to hurt.

Quickly, Dean sat up straight and started trying to balance his fork and knife together by putting the knife through the fork tines and getting it to stand up straight. It was a trick he learned from Cassie to pass the time while waiting for food at a restaurant. It was also good to focus on something rather than flipping a table in attempt to let a little built up tension out.

Charlie watched him try and fail to get the utensils to stand on their own. "When did Cassie say she was coming back again?" she asked.

Dean shrugged, "She said 'soon' a few months ago. I dunno."

"Who's Cassie?" Cas asked.

Sam grinned, "Dean's ex."

"Oh, that Cassie," Cas said.

Dean ran his fingers across the back of Cas' hand.

"Cassie and I are still really good friends, but we're just friends. Don't worry." Dean said quietly.

Cas met Dean's eyes and nodded.

Dean and Cassie agreed to stay friends no matter what after they broke up. Cas knew that that was an agreement Dean intended to honor.

Their food came, piping hot and was absolutely delicious. The soup especially was awesome, because bacon. Sharing with Cas was difficult, because, well, bacon. But they managed.

When they left, Dean made sure not to check if Ben and his grandparents were still there.

After they started walking back to the apartment, Cas nudged Dean's arm.

"We have some unfinished business from yesterday, Dean," he said quietly.

Dean nodded.

They stopped at the corner.

"Sam," Dean said, "Go on ahead to the apartment with the girls. We're going to Gabriel's since we didn't yesterday."

Sam looked like he'd swallowed shards of glass. Something was very, seriously wrong with that kid.

Sam nodded slowly. He hurried to catch up with Charlie and Dorothy.

Dean held out his gloved hand for Cas to take, which he graciously did. They started walking to Gabriel's.

"How are your stitches?" Dean asked.

Cas sighed, "They itch, but it's not bad. Just a couple of weeks, though, right?"

Dean nodded.

"Are you okay, Dean?" Cas asked.

Dean shrugged, "I just wasn't prepared for that. I'll be fine."

"It's just...I know how important Ben is to you, and if you wanted to talk about it-"

"Cas," Dean said, "I'll be fine."

After a minute, Cas asked, "Do you want kids?"

Dean stopped dead in his tracks. "What?" he asked.

Cas could not possibly understand what he was asking.

Cas grinned, "Not now, Dean. I'm just curious if you want kids ever."

They kept walking.

"I think so," Dean said, "I love kids. Depends on how this goes, I guess." He indicated himself and Cas.

Cas nodded, "You do know adoption exists, right?"

"Yes, of course, I-you know what, Cas? Let's have this discussion again in a few years when we've been together longer," Dean said.

Cas chuckled softly, "It's very entertaining to see you so flustered."

Dean scowled at him in mock anger.

They walked up to Gabriel's building. Dean didn't know which button to press or even which building to stop at, but luckily, Cas was a frequent visitor at his friend's place. Cas pressed the bell and took a step back.

In an instant, Gabriel hopped up the stairs and opened the door. His grin faltered slightly. If Sam hadn't been acting so weird, Dean wouldn't have caught it. Cas, always so perceptive, noticed it, too.

"Are you okay?" Cas asked, cocking his head to the side.

Gabriel didn't answer, but instead said, "Come on in."

He led them down some stairs and into the lower flat. Was this seriously where Sam had been spending so much of his time? Was he even short enough to make it through the door? Gabriel sat on a futon that was pretty low to the ground. It must be hilarious to watch Sam have to crouch to sit on it.

"No," Gabriel answered, "I'm not okay. Not remotely."

"Because of Sam?" Dean asked.

Gabriel nodded slowly and looked over his shoulder at a room off to the right. Cas sat down next to Gabriel and put a hand on his friend's shoulder.

"Is there any reason why Sam would want to stay away from you other than to get his shit together after Luci?" Dean asked.

Gabriel stared at him, "Why would you ask that? Why would he—Is something wrong with Sam?"

Dean was startled having Gabriel's full and undivided attention on him. He was almost as intense as Cas could be. That was just unnatural.

"Something's off with him. He told us about trying to get his head straight, but I feel like he was holding something back," Dean said.

Gabriel sighed, "Then, I don't know. That's what he told me..."

"He freaked out at breakfast yesterday," Cas said.

Dean added, "Yeah, he broke an egg and didn't want pancakes. Then, he just bolted for a bit."

Gabriel said, "Shit. Dammit."

He stood up suddenly and grabbed his jacket.

"C'mon. Let's go," he said. Dean and Cas followed him as he burst out onto the city street.

"What's going on?" Dean asked.

Gabriel started walking the way to Dean's apartment.

He said, "Sam's pretty fucked in the head, Dean. He's might be trying to spare me. I should've known."

"Spare you from what?"

"From him."

That would make sense. Missing Gabriel and being self-deprecating would explain a lot, actually.

Cas asked Gabriel, "What are you going to do?"

"What I always do," he said, "Force him to talk and not take no for an answer."


	31. Changing Channels

"Honey, I'm home!" Gabriel called as he walked into the apartment. Sam jumped off the couch, causing pain to shoot through his chest and arm with the rush of blood.

"Gabe? What the hell are you-" Sam started.

Gabe crossed the room and said, "I have a proposition. How about I take you to Starbucks and get you all nice a toasty with some hot chocolate while we discuss continuing to be friends?"

Sam swallowed. Was this really happening? He already felt a small bubble of hope. He was going to destroy Gabe with his mountain of shit. But Gabe was kind of asking for it, wasn't he?

"I don't know," Sam said.

Gabriel grabbed Sam's hand, "I'm not asking for much, Sam. Give me five minutes and some hot chocolate. No holding out on me, remember?" Gabe's hand was so warm in his. His amber eyes were practically smoldering. Much more of this, Sam could probably go out in the Chicago winter with nothing more than a t-shirt and shorts.

"Okay," he said, "Starbucks. Let's do it."

Dean beamed at him from the doorway where he was holding Cas' hand.

"Shut up," Sam said to his brother as he got his jacket. He couldn't fight the smile building on his face.

Dean grinned, "Did I say anything?"

Gabe waited for Sam to walk out the door before following him out himself.

"You weren't planning to ever be friends with me again, were you?" Gabe asked when they left the building.

Sam stopped short. "What? Gabe, I would never-"

"Don't lie to me, Sam. I know you were lying to me when you said goodbye. Don't lie to me now," Gabe said quickly.

Sam backed up against the side of the building and said, "I'm sorry."

Gabriel smiled tightly and took Sam's hand, "Hey, it's fine. We're gonna have a serious talk about it at Starbucks, but it's fine. I know Lucifer did a number on your head. I've known that since you weren't doing shit for your ankle. I don't blame you, but you're insane if you think I'm gonna just let you cut me off like that."

Sam nodded and followed Gabe as his friend pulled him towards the Starbucks a few blocks away. He felt awful. He'd been a horrible friend to Gabe. He really didn't deserve someone so wonderful in his life, but he was starting to think he wasn't getting much of a choice in the matter.

Once they got there, Gabriel sat him down at a table and said, "I'm gonna order our hot chocolates. You better as hell be here when I get back."

Honestly, Sam hadn't been thinking about it until Gabe said it, but he wouldn't do that after being a royal douchebag to Gabriel already. When Gabe returned with hot chocolate, he looked genuinely surprised to find Sam sitting there, which just made him feel even worse.

Gabe passed Sam one of the hot chocolates and said, "So, explain to me why we shouldn't be friends."

He didn't know what to say. He was afraid of loving him?

"I'll hurt you if we stay friends," he said.

Gabe shook his head, "Nope, I don't buy it. And even if I did, I wouldn't care." Sam took a sip of hot chocolate and tried to think of a better answer.

"You deserve a better friend than I can be," he said after swallowing.

Gabriel put his hot chocolate down and stared at Sam, "Seriously?"

"What?"

"Sam," Gabe said, "There is no better friend I could have."

What the fuck was he talking about? Sam just stared at him and kept drinking his hot chocolate.

"Are you-do you seriously not see that-" Gabe stuttered, "You gave me a refuge from my family. Whenever I've needed help or to talk or anything, you're always there. Sure, I've returned the favor, but that's what friends do, and Sam, you're the best friend I've ever had."

Sam could have cried from the words making him so happy, but he didn't.

"I don't deserve you, Gabe," Sam said. How could someone so broken and useless and stupid and disgusting have someone that would say something like that?

"Yes, you do," Gabriel said, "I'll prove it to you if you'll let me."

"How?"

"Let's be friends."

Sam hesitated.

"Don't make me beg, Sam. Please, let's be friends." How could he say no? He wanted to be friends. It was a bad idea. Friends wouldn't be enough for long. It was too soon for anything more, though. Gabe would end up hurt. It was a really bad idea.

Slowly, Sam nodded and said, "Okay."

Gabe smiled widely and it was absolutely infectious.

"You want to take the hot chocolate over to my place?" Gabe asked.

Sam nodded and stood up. They walked back out into the cold.

"I'm sorry," Sam said.

Gabe replied, "It's fine."

"No," Sam said, "It's not. I'm really sorry. I should never have-"

Gabe sighed, "We'll talk about it at my place, okay?"

Sam nodded and followed Gabe to his flat in relative silence. When they got inside Gabe's place, Sam shrugged off his coat and realized how happy he was to see that futon.

"Alright. What were you thinking?" Gabe asked as Sam dropped himself onto the futon.

"What?" Sam asked.

Gabe sat next to him and elaborated, "What were you thinking when you decided you weren't worth my time?"

"I-I don't know," Sam said, "I didn't want you to have to deal with-I'm fucked in the head, Gabe. I'm broken. I know I am, and I didn't want you to try and fix me when there's no point."

"Of course there's a point."

"No, there's not," Sam said, "I'm not saying I shouldn't be fixed, I'm saying I can't be."

"You don't know-"

"Gabe, you don't know-I can't just-"

Gabe reached for Sam's hand, and Sam took a deep breath. It was amazing how easily he could calm down around Gabe.

"Okay, fine. You're broken and can't be fixed," Gabe said, "That doesn't mean anything. You were messed up when we met. I'm here for you, the good, the bad, all of it."

"But you don't have to be."

"You misunderstand. I want you. I want this. The good, the bad, all of it."

Sam hugged Gabriel tightly with his one functional arm. He wasn't sure if Gabe meant what he wanted him to mean, but regardless, it was amazing to hear.

"Thank you," Sam said.

Gabe hugged him back.

"What are friends for?" Gabriel said against Sam's shoulder.

Yet again, Sam wasn't sure how Gabe felt about him. Half the time, he'd be saying something that was way too loving and intimate for just friends, then the other half, he'd say something that made it clear they were just friends. Sam didn't really care right now, though. He just wanted Gabe in his arms.

After the hug got too long, Gabe broke away and asked, "So, now that we're on the same page, what do you want to do?"

Sam shrugged, "Do you have HBO? I've been wanting to watch Game of Thrones if you're interested."

Gabriel laughed, "Do I have HBO? What kind of-of course, I have HBO." He grabbed the remote and put on the first episode.

As the coolest title sequence Sam had ever seen started playing, Gabe gently pulled Sam so he was lying against Gabe's chest. Sam loved being this close to him. He was so comforting. Slowly, Gabe started running his fingers through Sam's hair, and God, it felt good…and thoroughly confusing.

At the same time, though, his broken arm started throbbing painfully. Sam groaned.

"Sam?" Gabe asked.

Sam sighed, "I forgot to take my pain medication today. It's been pretty hectic lately, and it must've slipped my mind."

"So, we should go to your place and get your meds," Gabe said.

Sam nodded and reluctantly got up off the futon.

"You don't have to come," Sam said, "It's really cold out and I wouldn't want you to-"

Gabriel got up and grabbed his jacket.

"Let's switch frequencies for a sec, shall we? I get that you don't want me to have to do anything for you, but please, tell me it's occurred to you that I might want to," he said.

Sam smiled at Gabe when a loud bang came from upstairs. Muffled shouts and more banging started resounding down into Gabe's space. Sam watched his friend's expression grow dark. He looked like he wasn't mentally here anymore. Sam held Gabriel's hand. He needed to get his friend out of there.

"Gabe," Sam said, "Let's go. Let's go to my place and hang out, okay?"

Vacantly, Gabe nodded and followed Sam outside. It was freezing out but it was much less tense without Gabe's family's shouts and fighting in the background.

"I'm sorry you had to hear that," Gabe said quietly.

Sam shook his head, "It's okay. I know they fight, and it's not like I could I hear what they were saying. Let's just go."

Gabe nodded. They walked quickly to Sam's apartment, prompted by the cold, brisk wind if nothing else.

Before they got inside, Sam said, "I should let you know, Dean and Cas are a little weird."

"They seemed fine yesterday," Gabe said.

"Cas got mugged and needed stitches and Dean kinda feels responsible since he kicked Cas out."

"He did what?! Cas got-why didn't they-what?" Gabe sputtered.

Sam said, "Yeah. They're working through it. I just figured you should know before we go up."

Gabe nodded, eyes still wide, "Yeah. Thanks for the head's up."

Everyone was either out or in their rooms, but the apartment seemed pretty empty. Sam quickly grabbed his pill bottle and took his meds, wishing he had a stronger placebo effect so his arm would stop throbbing faster.

"So, do you have HBO?" Gabe asked from the couch.

Sam replied, "No. We have Netflix, but we don't have any premium channels."

"Shame," Gabe said, "We'll have to watch Game of Thrones next time we're at my place. You'll like it."

"Okay," Sam said.

He sat down next to Gabe on the couch. Sam was still trying to wrap his head around Gabriel being here. Why was he here? Why was he so convinced Sam was worth his care?

"How's your arm?" Gabe asked.

Sam sighed, "It's not too bad. Throbs sometimes."

"And what about...?" Gabe asked, gesturing to Sam's torso.

"It's a little better," Sam answered.

"Can I see?" Gabe asked, "I just want to know if I should get you some more IcyHot or ice packs or something." Sam was halfway sure that Gabe just wanted to get Sam's shirt off. He didn't know quite how he felt about that.

"Sure," Sam said, "But not out here."

Sam led Gabe over to his room and sat on his bed. Carefully, he used his one functional arm to maneuver his shirt over his head and off. The bruises had gotten better; it was mostly a mass of green splotches with occasional purple marks where the punches had been a little harder. The worst was over his fractured rib.

Gabe sat next to Sam and gingerly trailed his fingers over the bruising.

"That is a lot better. You could probably still use some IcyHot on that one spot..." Gabe said.

Sam's mouth ran dry at Gabe's touch. He was so caring and so amazing. How did Sam get so lucky to get a friend like him?

Gabe blinked a few times too quickly that made Sam notice something was wrong.

"Gabe?" he asked.

Gabe said, "Sorry. It's hurts seeing you like this. I'm glad you got away from Lucifer, it's just hard." Gabe cared so much. Sam wanted to say something, do something to keep Gabe from worrying about him. He put his hand on his friend's shoulder.

"It's not going to get worse than this," Sam said, "I swear." Gabe looked at him, and the look in his friend's eyes broke him. There was so much open affection there. His heart thudded in his chest. There had to be a way to show Gabe how much he cared, how much he appreciated him, how much he loved him, something.

Slowly, softly, Sam reached over and kissed Gabriel.


	32. No Rest for the Wicked

Dean watched Sam and Gabriel leave for Starbucks and turned to Cas, saying, "Well, that went better than expected."

Cas nodded, "I don't know why, but I was expecting more of a fight from your brother."

Dean eyed Cas. Sam was finally out of the apartment, Charlie and Dorothy seemed to be out or in their room, and Cas was just standing there, looking adorable.

Dean slowly backed Cas up against the wall and kissed him deeply. He rocked his hips into Cas', grinning against his boyfriend's lips when Cas moaned.

"Dean," Cas said, breaking the kiss, "If we're continuing this, we should go to your room." Dean nodded and gently pulled Cas to their bedroom.

"Our room," Dean corrected. Cas smiled brightly and kissed him.

Once he closed the door, he pressed Cas into the door and kissed him hard and thorough. Cas moaned against his mouth, which made his heart race and his pants feel tighter. Slowly, Cas pushed Dean towards the bed. Dean lay down and stared up at Cas, as his boyfriend straddled his hips, grinning down at him.

"What's all this about?" Cas asked.

Dean answered by pressing kisses to Cas' neck and throat and jawline and cheek and lips.

"Dean," Cas sighed, making a thrill run down Dean's spine at hearing Cas say his name. He ran his hands up Cas' back and through his hair. Dean just wanted to savor every inch of him.

As he nuzzled Cas' neck, he saw Ben running up to him at the IHOP. He kissed Cas harder. He wrapped his arms around Cas tightly and rubbed his hands over his boyfriend's back and shoulders. Cas felt so strong beneath his hands.

He remembered having sex with Lisa on her kitchen counter and having to keep kissing her so her moans wouldn't wake up Ben. Cas trailed his lips down his neck. Dean pulled his shirt off to give Cas more skin access. He didn't want to think about that stuff. He wrapped his fingers in Cas' hair and pulled his face towards him, opening his boyfriend's mouth with his tongue.

He heard Lisa shout "He's not your son" at him. He kept kissing Cas.

They should never have gone to IHOP.

Cas broke away from Dean and looked at him.

"Are you alright?" Cas asked.

Instead of answering, Dean started to ease Cas' shirt off.

"Dean," Cas said firmly, "Are you okay?"

Dean dropped Cas' shirt and looked at his boyfriend. If he said something was wrong, he'd have to tell Cas that he was, albeit unwillingly, thinking about Lisa while making out with Cas. That was a conversation Dean just did not want to have.

Before he could lie, though, Cas said, "I didn't think so. You didn't feel like you were really here."

Dean nodded, "Sorry."

Slowly, Cas rolled off of him and said, "Not that I mind the attention, but what's going on?"

Dean hesitated. There was really no way to make it sound okay.

"You can tell me," Cas said.

Dean sighed, "I don't really want to talk about it."

"What would make you want to talk about?" Cas asked.

Dean smirked, "You taking off your shirt wouldn't hurt."

Cas rolled his eyes but smiled at Dean. "Fine," he said, "You tell me what's bothering you and I'll remove clothing per issue."

Dean's eyes widened. He was serious. Holy shit. Dean hadn't seen Cas naked yet, and the idea really intrigued him, but at the same time, he was asking Dean to get personal. He probably wouldn't strip down for vague tidbits either. Dean was very conflicted.

"Okay," Dean said quietly.

Cas propped himself up on an elbow and waited patiently. All he could really think of was the Ben and Lisa thing. That didn't feel like enough to get Cas' clothes off.

"I guess it's the whole IHOP thing," Dean said, "It brought back a few memories that I didn't want."

Cas gave him a look and said, "Like what?"

Dean shut his eyes. He couldn't look at Cas when he said it.

"Like my whole fucking relationship with Lisa," he said. He felt Cas' hand on his chest. Dean looked at him and was surprised to see Cas giving him a soft smile.

Carefully, Cas took off his shirt. His stitches stood in startling contrast to Cas' pale skin. Dean's boyfriend climbed back on top of him and sat on Dean's pelvis, sending excitement and warmth everywhere. Gently, Dean moved his hands up Cas' hips and sides. He was careful to avoid the stitches.

"I'm sorry about what happened with Lisa," Cas said, "She had no right to keep you from saying goodbye to Ben."

"Yeah, she did, Cas. He's her kid," Dean said. Cas put a hand on Dean's cheek, making Dean's breath catch.

"I'm still sorry," Cas said.

Dean leaned into his boyfriend's hand. "Thanks," he said.

"I'm still sorry about your stitches," Dean said quickly.

He still had to talk about two more things unless Cas was counting his socks as an item of clothing, which would just be bullshit honestly.

Cas asked, "What?"

"You wouldn't have gotten mugged if I didn't kick you out, and I feel awful every time I see your stitches, because it's my fault."

"Dean, it's not your-"

"Yeah, it is, Cas. I know you don't blame me, but I do. And I'm sorry."

Cas sighed and slipped off Dean and onto the floor.

"What?" Dean asked. Cas bent towards Dean and kissed him.

"One day, you'll see how wrong you are," he said, "I'm not going to press it now."

Dean watched his boyfriend unzip his pants and kick them off in the corner of their room. Dean reached out, curled a finger under the hem of Cas' boxers, which were surprisingly soft, and pulled him closer to the bed.

"I still want to shoot Luci in the face," he said, tugging on Cas' boxers with a smile on his face.

"Tell me something I don't know," Cas said, smiling.

Cas shoved Dean's shoulder playfully and kicked off his socks.

"Socks? Really?" Dean complained.

Cas grinned, "Be glad I didn't count my socks individually."

Dean rolled his eyes and laid back.

Cas flopped back onto the bed and asked, "Anything else?"

Dean smiled at him.

"Do you want to lose your boxers?" he asked.

Cas replied, "Do you want me to lose my boxers?"

Dean met his boyfriend's gaze, challenging him to look away. Cas' bright blue eyes poured into Dean's green.

"I'm afraid of having sex with you," Dean said quietly. It seemed to take Cas a moment to realize this was another confession.

"Why?" he asked. Dean didn't see any hurt in Cas' expression, but Cas' expression was deceptively blank.

Dean paused for a moment, unsure of which reason to give, but said, "A few things. I've never been with a guy, so I don't have the faintest idea how that's gonna go down. I've never wanted to be with a guy till now, and that's still...new. But mostly, it's a lot of feeling that gets put into it; it's a lot of..."

"Love?" Cas said helpfully.

Dean looked at his boyfriend warily. It was way too soon for the 'L' word. Or talking about the 'L' word.

"Yeah," Dean said, "And I'm not sure..."

He wasn't sure if loving Cas would be a good or bad thing. He wasn't sure if he was capable of loving Cas, considering the train wreck his last relationships had been. He wasn't sure if Cas should love him. If he did wind up loving Dean, it would leave him open for so much more pain. He'd be so vulnerable. And Dean would exploit it like the moron he was.

"Not sure if you love me?" Cas finished questioningly.

Dean swallowed, "Not sure if I can."

That got a reaction from Cas. He looked like Dean slapped him across the face.

"No," Dean said grabbing Cas' wrist and his attention, "I don't mean it like that. If I am capable of love, I could love you. That's not the problem."

Cas waited for him to elaborate.

Dean explained, "I'm not sure if I can love. Period. I thought I was in love with Cassie. I thought I was in love with Lisa. But none of that worked out. None of it. It was just pain and stupidity and I don't know if I ever really loved them. I thought I did at the time, but how could I-how could things have gone the way they did if I really loved them?"

Cas nodded slowly. "I understand," he said, "I think you loved them. I think if you didn't, memories wouldn't hurt you as much as they do. But I understand."

Dean smiled, "Thanks, Cas."

Cas grinned and hopped back off the bed. "Thank you for telling me," he said.

Slowly, Cas slid his boxers down off his hips and down his legs. He kicked them over by his pants. Dean's heart raced. If his erection was anything to go by, maybe Dean wasn't as afraid of sex with Cas as he thought. Dean sat up and looked at his boyfriend. He looked like a fucking Greek god. And his hip bones...he just didn't even know what to do with those. Cas' ability to turn Dean on just by standing there was damn near offensive. This was not fair. Cas seemed to be nearly solid muscle everywhere, and he was so ungodly hot. Cas' effect on Dean was every kind of not fair.

"Cas," Dean breathed. He wanted to put his hands everywhere. He wanted to claim every inch of him. Cas slowly walked towards the bed, eyes glued to the ground. Dean pulled Cas down on top of him and kissed him, letting his hands roam.

"Oh my God, Cas. How are you so fucking hot?" he asked. Cas chuckled and kissed Dean. As if Dean wasn't turned on enough, Cas pressed his pelvis into Dean's.

"Okay, I take back what I said," Dean said, "I want you."

Cas sighed, "We're not having sex, Dean. Just because you're turned on doesn't mean you're comfortable with it."

"Fine," Dean said. Cas did have a point.

He added, "I'm still taking off my pants."

Cas grinned and rolled off of him.

"By all means," Cas said, "Boxers too, if you want."

Dean looked at Cas, lying naked in his bed wanting him to join him on the bed...also naked. How did he ever get so lucky?

He tossed his pants and boxers over by Cas' at the same time. He felt extremely self-conscious standing in front of Cas like this. With Cas staring at him in that overly intense way of his, it only added to Dean's nervousness. Considering that this is exactly what Cas had just done, he started to wonder if his boyfriend had nerves of steel or if he was just really good at hiding it. With how fucking sexy Cas was, there really wasn't anything for him to be self-conscious about. Dean never really had a problem with how he looked, he knew he was attractive, but Cas was practically ethereal lying on his bed waiting for him to join him.

Dean lay next to Cas on the memory foam mattress and kissed Cas. Everything felt so overly exposed, and it was amazing. He pressed his chest to Cas', making sure not touch the stitches. Cas brought his leg between Dean's but not any further than he'd gone before. Dean rocked his hips into Cas', his boner rubbing against Cas' pleasurably. Knowing Cas' lack of stamina, there probably wouldn't be much more of this.

As he kissed Cas harder, Dean's phone rang from his discarded pants.

"Dammit," Dean said. It might be Sam.

Cas smiled and said, "Go answer it. I'll wait."

Dean rolled off the bed and scrambled to grab the phone.

"Hello?" he asked.

"Hey, Dean!" came the answer.

Dean suddenly felt very, very awkward being naked after he recognized the voice.

"Hi, Cassie," Dean said.

Cas sat up a little. All Dean wanted to do was jump right back in bed with Cas. He'd keep the conversation quick.

"I'm coming back for the first week of January," Cassie said.

"Really?" Dean said, "That's great. We should hang out while you're here. I have someone I think you should meet."

Cas looked at him from the bed, like he wasn't sure what Dean was going to say.

"Oh, really? Who's the lucky lady this week?" she teased.

He said evenly, "His name is Cas." Cas sat up and stared at Dean.

"Wait...his? His name? His?! Oh my God, you have got to tell me everything! How did you meet? What's he like? Since when are you gay?" she squealed into the phone.

Dean sighed, "I'll tell you when you get here. Let me know when you want to hang. I have to go."

"Alright," Cassie said, exasperated, "Talk to you later."

Dean hung up the phone and sat back down on the bed.

"You want Cassie to meet me?" Cas asked.

Dean pulled Cas down next to him and ran his fingers through his boyfriend's hair.

"I want you to meet Cassie," Dean clarified, "She's one of the only friends of mine you don't already know, and I don't want to just ditch you so I can go see my friend while she's in town. Also, I guess it's a bit of a test."

"A test?"

"Cassie is...she and I are just friends, but she can be a bit flirty. And she likes to reminisce. I'd like for you to meet her sooner rather than later, so it's not a shock years from now."

Cas nodded, "Okay. This will be uncomfortable, won't it?"

"Probably," Dean said, "If you don't want to meet her till later, you don't have to, but since she's in the army and only coming home for a week, it'll be a good time to find out if you guys get along. If you don't like each other, she'll be leaving. It's a better situation than when she's back for good, you know?"

Cas smiled, "Make sense."

Dean grinned, "Great. Now, where were we?"

He pressed himself up against Cas when he heard the apartment door open. Dean could tell by the footsteps that it was Sam and probably Gabriel.

It was like the universe threw him an epic cock-block. First, his ex-girlfriend calls, then his brother comes home early. Great.

Cas sighed, "They're still out in the living room. I'm not worried about an intrusion if you're not." Dean grinned and kissed Cas.

Footsteps started coming down the hall. Quickly, Dean tossed Cas his pants and pulled on his own. Cas scrambled for his shirt, and within record time, they were dressed.

Sam and Gabriel had apparently gone into Sam's room. Dammit. Dean looked at Cas, and Cas burst out laughing. The mood was so very dead.

"Do you want to-?" Dean asked, indicating the bed.

Cas shrugged, "I don't really care. I just got dressed, though."

"Fuck it," Dean said, smiling, "We have Doctor Who to watch anyway." As they walked out in the hall, Dean saw Sam's door was open.

He saw Sam kiss his friend, and heard Gabriel say, "Sam."

The sound of regret in Gabriel's voice was enough for Dean to grab Cas' hand and pull him to the living room. He wanted to get as far from that room as he could before the shit hit the fan.


	33. On the Head of a Pin

Sam kissed Gabe.

But Gabriel did not kiss Sam back.

"Sam," Gabe said, "Don't do that."

Why the hell had he kissed Gabe? What the hell was wrong with him? Sam got up off his bed quickly and back up.

"I'm sorry," Sam said, "I don't know why-"

"It's okay. It's just-Can you come back over here?" Gabe said.

Sam obliged slowly. He could feel the heat in his face as he sat down. Gabriel looked at Sam. He took a moment to say anything, so Sam waited, trying to drain the blush from his face. He couldn't believe he kissed him. Why the fuck did he do that?

"I'm sorry, Sam," Gabe said, "I didn't mean to-Don't rebound with me."

"That's not what I-you wouldn't be a-"

"Do you really have feelings for me?" Gabe asked.

Sam nodded slowly. No point in lying now.

"Hell, Sam. I'm sorry. I didn't think—I don't...I think we should probably just stay friends," Gabe said.

Sam nodded again. He knew that was coming, but he'd be lying if he said it didn't hurt like hell. So, now he knew. Gabriel did not reciprocate his feelings. Great.

"I do still want to be friends, Sam," he said. Sam smiled, "I do, too. I'm...I'm sorry, I...I'd like that. I probably don't have the energy for more than friends anyway."

Gabe nodded, "Probably true."

Well, at least now Gabe knew. There was so much he didn't know, there was so much Sam wanted to tell him, but now that Sam knew there was no chance for anything between them, he figured divulging much more of his feelings could wind up being very awkward.

"Is it alright if I still hang out?" Gabe asked.

Sam answered, "Of course. You're always welcome here. Don't worry about me."

"Are you sure? I don't want things to get awkward."

Sam forced a smile. "Things will only be awkward if we let them be," he said.

Gabe nodded, "Okay. Good." Silence

"You want to go see what Dean and Cas are doing?" Sam said.

When Gabe shot him a skeptical look, he added, "I'm pretty sure they're not in their bedroom anymore."

"Okay, as long as they have their clothes on," Gabriel said. Sam really hoped they were clothed. They ventured out to the living room where Dean rushed up off the couch and shoved them back down the hall.

"Save yourselves. Stay back here," Dean said quietly.

"What are you talking about?" Sam asked.

Dean sighed and looked over his shoulder at Cas. He said, "He's watching Doctor Who. Except he wanted to watch 'Love and Monsters'. I told him not to, but he wouldn't listen."

Sam nodded and turned back towards his room. Gabe asked, "What's 'Love and Monsters'?"

Sam sighed, "The episode of Doctor Who with Moaning Myrtle."

Gabe's eyes widened, "I hate that episode."

"Everyone does," Sam said.

Dean followed them over to Sam's room.

"I can't watch the end of that episode again," Dean said, "What're you guys up to?"

"Dunno yet," Sam said.

Dean looked between Sam and Gabe.

"So...are you guys okay?" Dean asked. Sam nodded, fixing Dean with a stare to not press any further.

"Yeah," Sam said, "We're friends."

Dean slightly raised an eyebrow at Sam, but he didn't say anything else.

"Dean, it's almost over!" Cas called.

Dean grinned, "Well, have fun. I'll let you know when we start figuring out dinner." Dean quickly joined Cas back at the tv.

Sam turned to Gabe. His friend sat on the bed and cracked his knuckles. There was so much he wished he could tell him. Like how beautiful he was. There were a lot of little things that he was never going to get to say. But there were big things. He owed Gabriel his life. He loved him in ways he couldn't express. He was grateful for him in ways he'd never be able to repay. And those things ripped at Sam. He wanted to tell Gabriel everything. He wanted...he wanted a lot of things that weren't ever going to happen.

Sam asked, "Do you want to play a game?"

Gabe grinned widely, like it was the best idea he'd ever heard. "What kind of game? I'm partial to Candyland myself, but games are great. I'll play whatever," he said.

Sam shrugged, "The only game I have in here is Uno."

"Okay," Gabe said, "I'll kick your ass in Uno. Sounds good."

Sam grabbed the deck from his bookcase, shuffled, and dealt. Silence stretched between them. As they played cards, Sam tried to think of things to talk about, but everything was too raw. He couldn't very well talk about his feelings or Gabe's feelings or Gabe's family or Luci or his physical injuries or any of the other things that were running through his mind. So, the silence continued. He won the first game with a smile on his face.

Gabriel broke the silence by asking, "Again?"

"Sure," Sam said. After the first game, he was feeling a little cocky. After making Gabe draw four cards within the first five turns, Sam felt himself relax. By the fifth game, Gabe and Sam were comfortably teasing each other. Maybe being friends could work.

He proceeded to completely own Gabriel by going seven rounds undefeated. Gabe was a remarkably good loser, but that was probably out of consideration for Sam's feelings.

By the time Sam had one card left in the eighth rematch, Gabriel rolled his eyes and said, "Fine. I give. You win. What do you want to do now?"

Before Sam could say anything, Charlie shouted, "We come bearing pizza and good news!"

Sam and Gabe joined the others at the table.

"Hey, Gabe!" Charlie said, surprised, "I didn't know you were-anyway! Pizza. Take slices. All three pizzas are plain cheese. Dig in." Gabe handed Sam a slice of pizza. Sam accepted it when Gabe averted his eyes awkwardly and grabbed his own piece.

As they started devouring the pizzas, Charlie raised a plastic cup of soda and said, "There is a clinic down the street that accepts the school's insurance, we went down there, and they've already prescribed medication for Dorothy."

"That's great!" Cas said.

Dean said, "Fucking finally."

Sam left his seat and hugged Dorothy. "I'm glad you're gonna be okay," he said quietly.

Dorothy smiled at Sam, "Me too."

"How many clinics did you guys try?" Gabe asked.

Charlie took a large gulp of Pepsi, which Sam thought might be spiked with something.

She said, "After the school hospital. Nine. Nine fucking clinics."

"Holy shit," Gabe said.

Charlie grinned, "You have no idea."

Dorothy rubbed her back and said, "You didn't tell them the best part."

Charlie took a bite of pizza, so Dorothy told them, "My doctor was a former volunteer for Jane."

"Really?" Cas asked, sounding excited. Sam had no idea who Jane was or what they were talking about.

Dean sighed when he saw Sam's confused expression. "Jane was an underground abortion service in Chicago back before Roe v. Wade made abortion legal," he explained.

Dean turned to Charlie, "I hate you for making me take that class."

Cas laughed and smiled at him. Charlie grinned impishly around her pizza slice. Sam smirked at his feminist brother.

Dean had sworn Sam and Cas to secrecy, but they knew Dean had signed up to take a gender and sexuality course as a result of his women's history class. Cas was really proud of him. Sam was also proud, but he couldn't help but laugh at Dean when he found out.

Dinner started to get awkward. Everyone else was fine. They were busy sharing clinic and insurance horror stories, talking about when Cas gets his stitches out, what they were planning to do for Christmas, and all manner of other things. Sam quietly ate his pizza and listened to his family enjoy each other's company. Gabriel also sat uncharacteristically quiet. He kept looking over at Sam, and fidgeting with his pizza crust. He looked as uncomfortable as Sam felt.

After dinner, Sam and Gabe returned to Sam's room. They stood in his room awkwardly. Sam looked around to see if he had any games they could play or movies they could watch.

"Well, I guess I should probably go," Gabe said, "It's kind of late." Sam wanted to invite him to stay the night, but after the kiss...he didn't want to risk it. As Sam opened his mouth to say something, Gabriel got a text. He flipped his phone open.

"So..." Gabe said, "I probably shouldn't leave yet. Mike says Dad just stormed out."

Sam shrugged, "You could spend the night if you want."

His friend smiled, "Thanks, Sam. I appreciate it." They played a few more rounds of Uno. Gabe nearly screamed when he actually won a hand.

Sam asked, "Do you want to watch a movie or something?"

Gabe looked at Sam's small tv. "On that or out with everyone else?" he asked.

Sam said, "Either way. Charlie's Xbox has Netflix. I've got VHS in here. Your pick."

"You have a VCR?" Gabe asked, thoroughly shocked.

Sam nodded and pointed to his VCR. It was old, but it still worked.

Gabe yawned, "I'm actually kind of tired."

"We could sleep if you want," Sam said.

Gabe nodded, "That'd be nice."

Sam asked, "How do you want to sleep?"

"How would you like to sleep?" Gabriel countered.

"Well, I just want to make sure you're comfortable with-"

"I'll be fine with whatever you're comfortable-"

Sam laid back on his bed and said, "Sleep however you want."

Gabe laid down next to Sam and pulled the blanket over them. Sam flicked the light switch off, which was just within his reach from the bed. When the lights turned off, they sat in silence for a bit.

Sam figured he'd try to sleep, but shortly after he actually decided to sleep, Gabe reached for his hand in the dark. Slowly, Gabe curled closer to Sam and laid his head on Sam's shoulder.

"Uhh...Gabe?" Sam said.

Gabe said quietly, "Sorry. Can I sleep like this? It...I'm just sorta used to cuddling with you. If it's too much, I can-"

"No, it's fine," Sam said, "As long as you're comfortable." The last thing he wanted was for Gabe to feel weird about touching Sam. He wasn't sure if that was a good or bad thing. Honestly, if he had any chance of getting over Gabriel, the touching would probably need to stop. But he didn't say anything.

Sam fell asleep quickly after that. A few hours later, Sam woke up, heart racing, alone in the dark.

"Gabe?" he whispered. Gabe was clearly not in the room. It was still early morning, definitely no later than 4am. He probably got up to go the bathroom or something.

Suddenly, he heard Gabe's voice.

"I can't," Gabe was saying quietly.

Dean said, "I just want to know why you're lying to my brother."

Gabe replied, "I have to. It's complicated."

And just like that, Sam's heart shattered.


	34. A Very Supernatural Christmas

Christmas went by calmly, considering the only real plan was to watch the Doctor Who Christmas Special. Charlie had a small tree made out of coat hangers and garland in her room, and that was about the extent of the decorations. They did exchange gifts, though.

Sam tossed Dean a bottle of sparkling grape juice.

"Merry Christmas," Sam said. The bottle would not last long.

Dean grinned, "Thanks, Sammy. Here's yours."

He honestly hadn't known what to get Sam. He figured Sam wouldn't have appreciated Luci's head on a plate as much as Dean would, and Dean's attempts to figure out why Gabriel was lying to Sam hadn't gone very well. So, he settled on something he knew Sam could use. Dean handed Sam an envelope and put the bottle of sparkling goodness in the fridge.

"What's this?" Sam asked.

Dean said, "Open it." He sat back down next to Cas on the couch. Cas slipped his fingers between Dean's and smiled at him.

So, it had sort of been Cas' idea, but it was a good idea.

Sam opened the envelope and laughed, "Seriously?"

Charlie asked, "So, what is it?"

Sam held up a piece of paper and read, "This is a coupon for one non-biased, opinion free, and snark free conversation with Dean Winchester." Sam looked in the envelope again and found more.

"How many of these are there?" Sam asked.

"Ten," Dean said, "But you can have more when you use those up."

Sam realized what Dean's gift really was.

When Cas suggested giving Sam Dean's love and attention, Dean had initially laughed. Then, he gave the idea some thought. Dean's real gift was giving Sam the chance to talk to him without fear of judgment or ridicule or anger. It was something he should've given Sam before any of the shit with Luci happened.

Sam put down the envelope and hugged Dean.

"Thank you," Sam said quietly.

Dean hugged Sam back and replied, "Merry Christmas." Sam pulled away.

Cas smiled at Dean. He said, "I wish I could've gotten you all something."

Charlie said, "Oh, it's okay. You've already given us so much."

Cas cocked his head to the side.

Dorothy said, "You make Dean happy. That's better than any Christmas present."

Dean could already feel heat in his face.

Luckily, Sam said, "Yeah, he's not nearly as annoying as he usually is."

"Bitch," Dean said, grinning. He was really just happy that his brother made the conversation get a little lighter and less about him and Cas.

Sam laughed, "Jerk." Charlie gave each of them Christmas cards while Dorothy started making hot chocolate.

"Where's Gabriel?" Cas asked.

Sam's smile dropped slightly. "He's spending Christmas with his family," he said. Cas' hand stiffened in Dean's, and again, Dean felt like he wasn't getting the full story. But he couldn't worry about that now.

"Hey, Cas," Dean said, "I have to show you something."

Cas looked at Dean confused, but Dean just pulled Cas off the couch and led him to their room.

Dorothy called, "You guys better be back for hot chocolate!" Dean closed their door and pulled a small box out of his sock drawer.

He turned back towards Cas and said, "Before I give you this, I have to explain something. Don't read into this. Please. I wanted to get you something, but everything seemed like something I'd get for a friend."

He took a step closer to Cas and handed him the box.

"I've never had a boyfriend to shop for," Dean said quietly, "But I felt like you wouldn't really like a necklace or something I'd get anyone else I've dated."

Cas opened the box and looked at Dean with wide eyes.

"So, I got you a ring. It doesn't mean what it would normally mean, but I didn't know what else to get you," Dean said.

Cas kissed Dean softly. His lips pressed against Dean's deeply.

When they broke apart, Dean gasped, "So you like it?"

Cas smiled, "Yes. Yes, I love it. Thank you." Cas slipped the ring on his finger and grinned widely. It was just a simple gold band, no engravings or anything, but Cas really seemed to like it.

"I'm sorry I didn't get you anything," Cas said.

Dean held Cas' hands in his, "Charlie and Dorothy are right, Cas. You're already the best gift I could ever ask for."

Cas' smile lit up the room. He kissed Dean hard and ran his fingers through Dean's hair. It was all Dean could do not to moan loud enough for everyone else to hear. Cas pressed against Dean, making everything Dean was ignite. If they kept this up, they'd probably end up having sex. And that was…that was still too much to think about.

"Hot chocolate?" Dean asked when they broke apart. Cas nodded, still smiling, and reached for Dean's hand. It was different feeling a ring on Cas' finger, but it was nice.

When he opened the door, Sam was in the hall.

"Need something?" Dean asked. Sam wordlessly handed Dean one of the free talk coupons and sat down on Dean's bed. Dean had a very bad feeling about this.

He let go of Cas' hand and said, "Go have hot chocolate. I'll be out in a bit."

Cas nodded, giving Dean a concerned look, and walked out to Charlie and Dorothy.

Dean sat next to Sam on his bed.

"Okay, what do you want to talk about?" Dean asked. He reminded himself to keep in check any and all reactions, but he knew this was going to be tricky.

"Gabe's lying to me about something, and I don't know what it is," Sam said.

Shit.

"Really?" Dean asked.

Sam shot him a look, "Yeah. I've got a couple of guesses, but I'm not sure."

Shit. Shit.

"What guesses?" Dean asked.

Shit. Shit. Shit. He felt like he was walking in a damn minefield.

Sam sighed, "He might be lying about still wanting to be friends, or he might be lying about Luci."

How did Gabriel's feelings not even cross Sam's mind? The guy was so head over heels for Sam, it was ridiculous. How could Sam not see it?

"How could he be lying about Luci?" Dean asked hesitantly. Anything concerned with Luci may get a reaction out of him that might shut down Sam's conversation. But he wasn't touching Sam's insecurities over Gabriel's friendship with a ten foot pole. He steeled his resolve not to respond with anything too visceral.

"His friend, Kali, is keeping an eye on Luci in case he tries anything stupid like killing himself," Sam explained, "Gabe may have heard something and not told me."

Dean nodded slowly. Honestly, he didn't see what was so bad about a world without Luci, but he didn't say that out loud.

"So, is that what he's lying about?" Sam asked.

Dean looked at Sam, confused, "Sam, I don't-"

Sam sighed, "I know he told you whatever it is. I heard the two of you talking a while ago. You wanted to know why he was lying to me, and he said he had to. But I know I heard it out of context, so instead of freaking out, I'm asking. What is he not telling me?"

Fuck.

"Sam, I can't tell you," Dean said.

Sam stood up quickly and rounded on Dean.

"Are you serious?" Sam shouted, "Why the hell not, Dean?"

He couldn't tell him. Sam definitely needed to know, but Dean couldn't tell him.

"If you're going to find out, you have to find out from Gabriel. It's not my secret to share. You need to hear it from him," Dean said.

Sam sighed exasperatedly and started for the door.

Before he got there, Dean said quickly, "I can tell you that you're wrong on both counts. He definitely wants to be friends, and it has nothing to do with Luci. I don't know why he doesn't want to tell you, but he's not hiding anything bad."

Sam stopped and looked at Dean, confusion in his eyes.

"Are you sure?" Sam asked.

Dean nodded.

"How can I be sure?" Sam asked.

Dean replied, "You're gonna have to trust me."

Sam nodded slowly. "Thanks, Dean," he said.

Dean felt like shit. There was just no way he could tell Sam something like that. He wished he could tell Sam more, something to help more, something to at least get him on the right track. How the hell was he not already on the right track? It's not like Gabriel was subtle at all. To be fair, Dean hadn't thought it was more than attraction until Gabriel told him outright, but that hadn't even occurred to Sam as a possibility. Dean really worried about what was going on in Sam's head.

"Hot chocolate?" Dean asked.

Sam nodded.

Dean sat on the couch with Cas while Sam went to help Dorothy and Charlie with the hot chocolate. They were bickering over how much chocolate was the right amount to put in while Sam tossed a bag of marshmallows at Charlie, which apparently had great influence on the chocolate debate as the girls both grinned and started pouring chocolate syrup in.

"What'd Sam want to talk about?" Cas asked.

Dean said quietly, "He knows Gabriel's not telling him something."

Cas' eyes widened. "Did you tell him?" he asked.

Dean shook his head, "He can't hear it from me, but he knows I know something."

"Is he upset?" Cas asked.

Dean nodded, "A bit. I don't think he's mad at me, but I think he's frustrated. I don't know why Gabriel's keeping him in the dark about this."

Sam walked over, effectively ending their conversation.

"Hot chocolate for you," Sam said, handing a mug to Cas.

He held one out to Dean, "And I'm not mad, but you guys need to learn to talk quieter."

Shit. They both looked at Sam.

"I'm sorry," Cas said.

Sam sat down next to Cas and sipped his hot chocolate.

"It's fine," he said, "Honestly, I'm glad you know. You're one of Gabe's best friends and one of my best friends. If it was something that would be a problem for either of us, I'm sure you'd tell me."

Cas nodded, "Of course I would."

They all finished their hot chocolate, watched Doctor Who, and watched Charlie and Dorothy play Portal 2 in co-op mode until Cas started falling asleep on Dean's shoulder.

When Charlie snapped for the third time, "How the fuck are we supposed to get over there? We don't have any freaking gel," Cas jolted awake a bit.

"We're gonna go to bed," Dean said, "Goodnight, guys."

To Charlie, he said, "And remember, you have a portal gun."

Charlie blushed, "Shut up." She then placed portals and let Dorothy follow her across.

He helped Cas up and walked him over to their room. Cas yawned and collapsed on their bed. Dean helped Cas strip down to his boxers and did the same for himself.

"You probably shouldn't sleep with that on," Dean said, indicated the ring, "It's not the best metal. It might turn your finger green."

Cas nodded sleepily, pulled off the ring, and put it on Dean's dresser.

Dean crawled into bed with Cas, saying, "Merry Christmas, Cas."

Cas replied, "Merry Christmas, Dean." He put his head on Dean's chest and wrapped his arms around him. Dean ran his hand up Cas' back slowly. He knew Cas liked to fall asleep feeling Dean rubbing him in some way, and he absolutely loved to oblige.

Cas softly kissed Dean and carded his fingers through Dean's hair. Dean reached up and slowly rubbed the back of Cas' neck, extending his hand up into Cas' hair. He'd learned not that long ago that rubbing Cas' neck all but made the man purr. Kissing and neck rubs got Cas excited in the best way. Pleasure shot through Dean as Cas moaned at Dean's touch. It was the best sound in the world. But Cas was tired. This wouldn't go anywhere. Dean kissed Cas a few more times before Cas curled back up to sleep on Dean's chest.

Cas said quietly, "I love you, Dean."

At that moment, Dean's heart stopped.


	35. 99 Problems

A few days after Christmas, Sam sat at the booth in the Roadhouse by himself, his head resting on his unbroken arm. Every time he saw Gabe, it got harder. He didn't want to bring it up. If Gabe wanted to tell him whatever it was, he would. It also got harder not to act on his feelings, but he was used to that one.

But that wasn't the extent of Sam's problems. He hadn't been sleeping well. Every night, he'd dream he was back at Luci's, being tortured, beaten, and screamed at. Every night, it was like he'd never left. And when he woke up, disoriented and heart pounding, there was almost never a way to get back to sleep. If he did fall back asleep, he just wound up right back at Luci's. He closed his eyes and thought that maybe the Roadhouse would give him a few minutes of rest.

"Sam, I need your help," Kevin said, sliding into the booth.

Sam yawned, "Hey, Kevin. What's up?"

"I'm either going to drop out of school this semester," Kevin said quickly, "Or I'm going to break up with Anna."

Sam sat up abruptly and stared at Kevin. It had only been a few weeks since they'd started dating, but this all sounded a bit drastic.

"Okay, Kevin, what's going on?" Sam asked.

"It's Anna. I really like her, and I love spending time with her, but she's a distraction," Kevin explained, "She says I need to relax, but have you seen her? I'm not going to get any work done this semester. I might as well not go. I'm just going to fail all my classes anyway. Either that or I'm gonna have to end it with Anna."

Sam grinned at Kevin's plight. "Kevin," he said, "Have you thought about the fact that you might actually get your work done?"

Kevin stared, dumfounded, at Sam, "Of course I've thought of that."

Sam nodded, "You can balance homework and Anna."

"I don't know," Kevin said.

Sam said, "Tell you what. I'll help you if your work starts slipping, but Anna's right. You need to relax."

Kevin slouched back against the booth and gave a sigh of relief, "Thanks, Sam."

Sam put his head back on his arm and muttered, "No problem."

"Are you alright?" Kevin asked.

Sam sighed and sat back up. "Yeah," he said, "I'm fine. Just tired."

"It's winter break. It's not like you have school to stay awake for," Kevin said.

Sam grinned, "I haven't been sleeping well. But for all you know, I could be out partying all the time or something."

Kevin pointed to Sam's broken arm, "Yep. Every college kid thinks it's cool to go out partying in a cast and on pain killers."

"It's cooler than you'd think," Sam replied.

Kevin grinned. They both knew Sam's idea of partying was reading in the library or walking around the city. Actual partying was more Luci's thing. And it was obnoxious.

"Why can't you sleep?" Kevin asked.

Sam said, "Just nightmares. No big deal."

Kevin said quickly, "You know, chronic nightmares are a sign of schizophrenia."

Sam laughed. If he was actually crazy, at least there'd be medication for that.

"I don't think that's it," Sam said, "But thanks for trying."

Just then, Anna walked up to the table.

"Are you ready to go?" Anna asked Kevin. Sam tried to give her a friendly smile, but it was all he could do to not collapse on the table. All he wanted was a few hours of solid sleep. Anna glanced at Sam as Kevin slid out of the booth.

"Where are you guys going?" Sam asked.

"Skating," Anna said, "Don't worry, I'll get him back in one piece."

Sam swallowed his pain and fought a grimace. He had a feeling Gabe would be much less willing to go skating with him now that he knew how Sam felt towards him. Just one more opportunity that he stupidly threw away with that damn kiss.

"Have fun," Sam said. Kevin grinned and followed Anna out the door. Sam saw how relaxed Kevin was with Anna. He usually walked around like the weight of the world was pressing down on him, but with his hand in Anna's, Kevin seemed to be almost carefree. It was nice to see. Sam rested his head on his arm and closed his eyes. Just a few minutes. That's all he needed.

"You know, I'm not an expert, but I believe there is a contraption called a bed that can help with sleeping," Balthazar said quickly. Sam groaned and sat up, using an extraordinary amount of willpower.

"Wow, Sam," Balthazar said, "You look awful."

Sam sighed and attempted a grin, "Thanks."

"You should go home and get some rest," he pressed. Sam barely managed to fix Balthazar with a bitchface. Even his facial muscles were too tired for life.

Sam said, "That's what I've been trying to do here, actually."

The blonde man rolled his eyes, "Ah. Well, I'll leave you to it."

He walked away from the booth, and Sam went back to resting. The next person who talked to him and kept him from sleeping would get a fist in the face.

As Sam shut his eyes, a familiar voice said, "Sam?"

"Gabriel," Sam grumbled. His heart raced and his stomach churned in unease. He was never going to get any rest. Slowly, Sam sat up straight and looked at his friend.

"Are you okay?" Gabe asked, worry saturating his voice. Sam let his eyes close. It stung to keep them open for long.

"No," he said.

"Why are you here?" Gabe asked.

"I could ask you the same thing," Sam replied sleepily.

"Balth called me," Gabe said, "You should be at home. You look like a mess."

Sam sighed, "I guarantee you I feel worse. I can't sleep at home, so I came here. Hasn't been very productive."

Gabe grabbed Sam's hand, making Sam open his eyes in surprise.

"Why don't you come over to my place?" Gabe asked. That probably wouldn't help Sam's situation, but the offer was tempting.

"I don't know," Sam said.

Gabe pressed, "I can help you sleep. And you're not gonna be able to sleep much here. Come on."

Sam nodded and got up from the booth. Honestly, he was surprised his legs supported him, given how exhausted he was. Gabriel wrapped an arm around Sam's waist for support as they left the Roadhouse. His chest ached with how much he wanted the gesture to mean more.

When they got to Gabe's and Sam collapsed on the bed, Gabe asked, "Why are you so tired?"

Sam groaned as his head hit the pillow. So much of him ached from lack of sleep, laying down felt like finally healing a wound that he hadn't known he had.

"Haven't been sleeping well," Sam grumbled.

Gabe started to help Sam take his shirt off.

"Don't do that," Sam said. He couldn't take the absence of the emotion he craved with that gesture.

Gabe released his shirt, "Sorry. Force of habit. I know you don't like sleeping with your shirt on, so I-"

"It's fine," Sam said, "It's just...confusing."

Gabe nodded and let his gaze drop to the floor.

"So," Gabe said, "What's been keeping you from sleeping?"

"Nightmares," Sam answered.

"About what?"

"I really don't want to talk about it."

Gabe looked at Sam, worried. "It could help," he said.

Sam sighed and shrugged off his shirt with only a moderate amount of difficulty.

"I have dreams about Luci," Sam answered quietly.

Gabe reached for Sam's hand, which, against Sam's better judgment, he did not withdraw.

"I'm sorry, Sam," Gabe said.

Sam shrugged like it wasn't a big deal.

After a moment, Gabe asked, "Have you considered seeing someone? A therapist might be able to-"

Sam shook his head, "There's no point. It'd just be wasting money to try and fix something that's too broken to be repaired."

Gabe didn't say anything else on the matter.

"Do you want me to sleep on the futon?" his friend asked.

Sam briefly opened his eyes to look at Gabe. "You can sleep here if you want. I don't mind," he said.

At least that way, if he woke up from dreaming of rape and pain, he would have Gabriel there. Gabe pulled his shirt off and crawled into bed next to Sam. Slowly, Sam scooted closer to his friend and rested his tired head on Gabe's chest. He waited for Gabe to protest the motion, but he never did.

Gabe kissed Sam's hair, sending heat shooting through Sam's veins.

"I know you think you're too broken to be fixed," Gabe murmured in the dark, "But it'd be great if you'd let me try."

Sam stiffened. "Gabe-" he started.

"I already know most of your story. It wouldn't cost money like going to a therapist would. And I could help you. Even if I can't help fix it completely, at least it could be better, easier to deal with. You just have to let me in a little," Gabriel reasoned.

Sam was so tired, so worn thin, that he didn't have the energy to argue.

"Okay," Sam said, "But not now. I need to sleep."

Gabe said quietly, "Thank you. We'll talk in the morning."

Regardless of the worry burrowing in his stomach and the anxiety of letting Gabe into the madness in his head, Sam fell asleep on his friend's chest effortlessly.


	36. As Time Goes By

New Years also passed, but honestly, Dean didn't remember much. He got wasted. He was pretty sure Cas was naked with him at some point. That's as far as he could remember, and that's as much as he cared to find out.

Gabriel was still keeping Sam in the dark about his feelings, but whenever Dean asked about it, Gabriel always said that Sam needed more time or something equally stupid. He'd gotten to the point that he was pretty sure Gabriel was just scared to tell Sam.

Christmas night, though. That night was seared into the back of Dean's mind. Cas loved him. It was so soon. They hadn't been dating long at all. Just under a month. Way too soon. And when Dean didn't return the sentiment, Cas told him it was okay. He didn't have to say it back. Cas just wanted Dean to know. And he started to see how Gabriel telling Sam about his feelings could be bad. Cas' saying he was in love with him was really fucking with his head. Sam might not have the same issues with love as Dean did, but if he didn't take the news well, it would just be one more thing to be screwing with Sam's already messed up head.

As Cas and Dean made their way to the Hampton Inn downtown, these thoughts bounced around his head, making him increasingly uncomfortable.

"What if she doesn't like me?" Cas asked.

Dean said, "Don't worry about it. She'll love you."

Cas turned towards Dean, "Then, why are you nervous?"

Dean sighed, "I haven't seen her in a long time. She may have changed. I've seen the change the military can bring, and I don't want to see that in her."

Cas slid his fingers between Dean's. "It'll be okay," he said.

Dean squeezed Cas' hand and grinned at him.

When they arrived at Cassie's hotel room, she smiled brightly at Dean. "Long time no see," she said, hugging Dean tightly. Cas backed up a few steps when Cassie hugged Dean. Dean could practically see Cas bristling. Dean broke the hug and took Cas' hand in an effort to calm him.

Cassie smiled a broad smile at Cas and said, "You must be Cas. I have just been dying to meet you." She went to hug Cas but, after seeing him stiffen, seemed to think better of it.

"Come in," Cassie said, nudging the door open.

Dean got to have a good look at her as she sat at the edge of her bed. He could hardly recognize the soldier in front of him. There was a time when she had long hair and jeans with a soft, plaid inner lining and brown gym shoes that she constantly tracked around mud with. And she had this light in her smile that was just not there anymore. Now, she had short, cropped hair and army issued camo-pants and steel-toed boots that she got used to wearing in boot camp. That habit hadn't changed.

The last time she'd come back, she said she couldn't wear gym shoes anymore. They weren't as strong. And her smile had faded by then. It scared him to think of when she lost it. He couldn't remember if the military dimmed her or if she had lost that part when he hurt her so cruelly. And that scared him. The thought that he could break someone as well as the military could chilled him to the core. But he thought it was the army that made her smile diminish. He could remember a certain brightness to it from after they split but before she left for basic training.

The military changed everything. They used to talk all the time about so many things, but now when they did talk, they had hollow conversations. He'd say 'hi' when he really meant 'please, be alive.' She'd say 'what's up?' when she meant 'tell me about home.' She was always desperate to know everything happening back at home, because she was homesick and didn't know when her next leave was. He was just desperate to know that she was okay. But she wasn't. He could tell. Germany didn't seem to have changed her that much, which was nice, but she was still so different.

Dean blinked the thoughts away and asked, "So, how was Germany?"

"Fun," Cassie said, "It was a lot of work. Advanced training and all, but it was fun. You would've loved it."

"Oh, really?"

"There aren't any willow trees, so yes, I think you'd like it." She said this with a knowing smile, and he knew what she was referring to. There was once in high school when they had gone swimming in Cassie's pool. There was a willow tree in the yard that Cassie had snapped a branch from and accidentally whipped Dean with it. He knew she was referring to that incident. It hadn't even hurt, and it was clearly an accident, but Cassie was intentionally leaving Cas in the dark. That wasn't going to fly.

"I'm glad you wouldn't be armed," Dean replied.

He turned to Cas and said, "There was a whipping incident with a willow branch back in high school. It's not anything worth mentioning."

Cas looked at Dean, concerned.

Cassie rolled her eyes. "So," she asked, "What's the story with you two?"

Cas tightened his grip on Dean's hand. Dean could feel his face go red.

"We met in school," Cas said curtly.

Dean glanced at Cas. The guy seemed very uncomfortable.

Dean clarified, "He's my boyfriend."

"Have fun with that," Cassie said to Cas, joking.

Cas didn't seem to catch her joking tone. He squinted his eyes at Cassie.

"Cas, she's just kidding," Dean said.

Cassie smiled, saying, "I am really glad you guys are together." That seemed to make Cas loosen up.

"Why?" Cas asked, "I mean, I'm glad too. Just...why are you-?"

"You're here," Cassie replied, "I never even met Lisa. She wanted nothing to do with me. She wanted Dean to have nothing to do with me. You're better for him."

Dean nudged Cas, "Told you she'd love you."

"Did you show him the stretchy pants?" Cassie asked Dean. Dean sighed and stared at the ceiling in embarrassment.

"No," he said, "I haven't. I don't have them anymore. But thanks for bringing that up."

Cassie grinned, "You're welcome, sweetie."

Cas took a deep, exasperated breath.

"Dean had these stretchy pants, sweats with a broken waist band, that you could fit two people in. It was great," Cassie said. Cas nodded with tight lips. Dean ran his thumb over the back of Cas' hand.

"So, what are your plans for the week?" Dean asked.

Cassie sighed, "Gonna see a few friends and as many movies as I can fit in. Then, it's off to the front lines."

Dean's stomach dropped. "What?" he asked.

Cassie stood up and said, "Don't look at me like that."

Dean just stared at her. Front lines? He found it a little difficult to breathe.

"I'm going to Afghanistan in a week. I'm being stationed there for a while," she said reluctantly.

"What's 'a while'?" he asked.

Cas put a hand on Dean's arm, but he stood up away from Cas. His eyes never left Cassie.

"I don't know," she said, "If you had such a problem with combat, you should've said something before I went in."

"I should've-? Cassie, I begged you not to go. I tried everything I could-"

"What's the matter with you? I'll be fine. I've gone through training. It's not forever."

"But it could be."

"Is that what this is about?"

Dean stayed quiet.

Cassie put her hands on her hips. "Dean?" she said.

Dean refused to respond. He couldn't have this conversation with her, but he especially couldn't have it in front of Cas.

Cassie said, exasperated, "I forgot you do that."

"Do what?" Dean asked.

Cassie forced a laugh, "Oh, whenever we get...what's the word? Close...anywhere in the neighborhood of emotional vulnerability, you back off or make some joke or find any way to shut the door on me."

"I'm sorry," Dean said, half to Cassie and half to Cas.

He sat back down next to Cas, who put his hand on Dean's back gently.

Cassie grinned at them, "God, that's cute."

"I'm glad you approve," Dean said, slightly sarcastic and endlessly glad for the change in topic. How could Cassie be going to Afghanistan? When-If she got back from Afghanistan, he didn't have high hopes that she'd be the same person he was seeing right now. Everything had already changed so much. She had better come home.

They stayed for a while and talked. Dean had to explain inside jokes and memories Cassie alluded to several more times, Cas getting more visibly uncomfortable each time. Still, Cas tolerated Cassie, and Cassie was clearly fond of Cas. Overall, it was a good visit, even though Dean could only focus on every other thing that was said. He kept seeing a soldier show up at Cassie's dad's house with bad news.

As they started leaving, he got a strong feeling that it was the last time he'd be seeing his friend.

"Hey, Dean," Cassie said, "Can I talk to you for a sec?"

Cas glanced at Dean.

"I'll meet you downstairs," he told Cas.

Cas reluctantly walked down the hall without him.

Once Cas was out of earshot, Cassie asked, "Do you love him?"

"I don't know," Dean said quietly.

"Try not to hurt him, okay?" Cassie said.

Dean was about to protest, but they were taking Cas to get his stitches out the next day. It wasn't like Cas was completely unscathed from his relationship with Dean.

"I'm happy for you guys. Still can't believe you're gay," Cassie laughed.

Dean rolled his eyes, "I'm not gay. It's just him. I can't put my finger on it. There's just something about him. I don't know."

"Oh, yeah," Cassie said, "You're in love with him."

Dean rolled his eyes, though it did help to hear it from someone else. Maybe this was what being in love felt like. Maybe he did love Cas.

"Another notch in your belt," Cassie joked. Dean smiled, acknowledging the joke, but it hit home much too hard. It reminded him that, even if Dean did love him, Cas was another ex waiting to happen. He'd break Cas like he broke Cassie and Lisa. And no matter how happy he was with Cas, it wouldn't be worth watching him break at Dean's hand. Cassie was right. Cas was another notch, another in a long line of people he hurt and betrayed. But he cared about Cas. He was capable of having a stable relationship, right? He did kick Cas out on the street only a few weeks into dating him. That didn't seem to bode well. But Cas trusted him. Cas loved him. And if Dean loved Cas at all, he'd finally do the right thing.

He hugged Cassie quickly, "Take care of yourself."

She nodded, "You, too."

Dean hurried after Cas, who was waiting in the hotel lobby.

"Ready?" Dean asked. Cas nodded and followed Dean out of the hotel.

"What did Cassie want?" Cas asked.

Dean replied, "She wanted to ask about my sexuality and make sure I really care about you."

"And?" Cas pressed.

Dean shot his eyebrows up at him. "I'm straight, you're my exception, and I do care about you. You know this," he said.

Cas nodded, "I just wanted to know what you told her." Dean wrapped an arm around Cas' waist.

"I know that was a bit uncomfortable, but thank you for coming with," he said.

Cas said quietly, "I can't believe Lisa didn't even try. Cassie's not that bad. There were some things she didn't need to say, but she's still really nice."

Dean kissed Cas' cheek. "I'm glad you think so," he said.

Cas replied, "Even if I hated her completely, I would never try to keep you from your friends whether you've dated them before or not."

Dean stopped Cas and kissed him hard on the mouth.

"Dean?" Cas said, confused.

"Thank you," Dean said, "You have no idea how refreshing that is. You're amazing."

Cas sighed, "I'm just a decent person."

"You're perfect, Cas," Dean said, "Thank you."

Maybe this would be okay. Maybe he loved Cas, and maybe that was a good thing.


	37. The Point of No Return

It was a few days after New Years' when Sam declined the invite to see Cassie. Sure, she was nice, but Cas was meeting her for the first time and already looking like he'd seen a ghost. So, Sam stayed home with Charlie and Dorothy.

They had just started to watch Les Miserables since Dorothy had ordered it from Redbox when Gabe called.

"I'd like to try again," he said when Sam answered.

Charlie paused the movie.

Sam sighed. Gabe had tried a few times to get into Sam's head, but there were just some things that Sam didn't want to say. There were things he knew would hurt Gabe if he told him. So he didn't. And Gabe knew he was holding back. This would be the fifth attempt. Still, he'd seen Les Mis in theaters, and he had not much interest in watching everyone die.

"Okay," Sam said, "I'll come over, but you're wasting your time."

"It's my time to waste, isn't it?" Gabe replied happily, "See you in a bit."

When he hung up, Charlie asked Sam, "When are you going to ask that boy out?"

"He doesn't having feelings for me, not like that anyway," Sam said.

Charlie stared at him in disbelief, "Sam, there is not a chance in hell that Gabriel isn't insanely in love with you."

Sam shook his head and went to get his coat.

"I kissed him," Sam said, putting on his coat and shoes, "He didn't return it. He said he just wants to be friends. He doesn't want to date me. How much clearer does he need to be?"

Charlie looked at Dorothy; Dorothy stared back at her girlfriend, confused.

Finally, Dorothy said, "I'm sorry, Sam."

Charlie got up and hugged him. "It's his loss," she said into his shoulder.

Sam didn't quite believe that. It was much better that Sam and Gabe weren't together. This way, Sam wouldn't ruin his friend's entire life.

He said, "I'll be home later."

Quickly, Sam walked out the door before he had to struggle not to cry. It was for the best. Gabriel's rejection was definitely for the best. He wouldn't subject Gabe to his broken awfulness in all aspects of his life, which was something since Gabe wasn't really allowing friendship to be optional.

When Sam got to Gabe's place, his friend was waiting outside for him.

"Are you nuts? It's freezing out here," Sam said as he got closer.

Gabe shrugged. "My doorbell isn't working," he said, "Didn't want to miss you."

He led Sam downstairs.

"So, where do you want to start today?" Sam asked.

He really didn't want to do this, but Gabe's previous attempts had been 'Tell me what's on your mind,' or 'What's bothering you?' which had been easy enough to avoid actually answering.

"How did Dean react to finding out about what Luci had been doing to you?" Gabe asked, sitting next to Sam on the futon. What the hell did that have to do with anything?

"I don't know. I was unconscious when you told him," Sam said.

Gabe nodded and clarified, "I mean when you told him."

"He was quiet and trying not to react," Sam replied, thinking back, "But he always shows it on his face. He seemed guilty, like he was blaming himself. And I told you he would do that."

"How has he been acting around you since?" Gabe asked. Sam really had been trying not to think about that. But he promised Gabe he'd let him in.

Sam answered, "He's been cautious around me, like I'm gonna break down at every little thing he says. If Cas hadn't gotten stabbed, he'd probably be much more attentive and careful, but Cas grabbed most of his attention. He's still very nervous that I'm going to fall apart, but he's been trying to get back to normal with me."

"And do you feel like you're going to fall apart?" Gabe asked.

Yes. Every second was a fucking battle to stay sane. And that was when he wasn't dreaming about Luci.

"Don't do that," Gabe said.

Sam asked, "What?"

"Don't get caught in your head. Just tell me. If you think it, say it," Gabe said.

Sam shook his head, "I can't."

Slowly, Gabriel slid his hand around Sam's. "Think of this like the time I had you show me all your bruises and injuries," he said, "I'm not aiming to fix anything right now. Just wanna see the damage."

That made Sam relax a bit. This was Gabriel, anyway. He could do this.

"Yes," Sam said, "I feel very fragile. I know I'm not, but everything hurts. Literally everything."

Gabe nodded. Sam hoped he didn't realize that everything included Gabriel.

"Can you tell me what's going on in your head?" he asked. Sam reminded himself not to leave anything out. No more dumping it out in his headspace. Think it, and say it.

"Pain. I hate myself, and it hurts everyone around me, and that hurts worse," Sam said, "I can't stop dreaming about Luci, which you already know. But I don't get mad at him, I'm always just mad at me. And then, there's the shit with us that I am seriously not talking about right now."

Gabe sighed, "We will be talking about that, but we can save it if you want. Why do you hate yourself?"

Sam hesitated. "I'm awful," he said, "I'm horrible. I'm disgusting. I let him hurt me, I let him violate me in ways that...it's my fault, and I'm the worst person I know because of it." He tried not to let his voice crack, but it did anyway. At least he didn't cry. He'd never said that out loud, and hearing the words come out of his mouth made them real. The pained look on Gabriel's face made him hurt more.

"Sam," Gabe said, "Look at me."

Sam made to get up off the futon. Gabe still held his hand and kept him from leaving.

"Sam," Gabe said again.

Finally, Sam met Gabe's intense gaze.

"That was not your fault," Gabe said.

"Gabe..."

"No, it's not your fault. Luci was in control of his actions. It is not on you to stop someone from hurting you, it's on them. Luci hurt you. That was his fault."

"I didn't stop him. I didn't even fight."

"You didn't want to," Gabe reminded him, "You explained that to me, and even I understood it." "I should've stopped it," Sam said. Gabe tightened his grip on Sam's hand slightly. "You shouldn't have had to," he said calmly, "But you have stopped it."

"Yeah," Sam said darkly, raising his cast, "And look what it got me."

"It got you the last injury that bastard will ever give you," Gabe countered, "and my lovely handwriting on your arm."

Sam smiled a bit. He couldn't help it; Gabe had that effect on him.

"I'm not just going to forgive myself overnight," Sam said.

Gabe nodded, "I know. You shouldn't have to forgive yourself at all, but I know."

Sam took his hand back and slouched against the futon.

"What about us is bothering you?" Gabe asked hesitantly.

Sam sighed, "I don't want to talk about it."

"Sam, please. I don't want to be causing you any pain. I might actually be able to fix this one," Gabe pleaded.

Sam doubted that. "Fine," he said, "You confuse me."

"How?"

"You hold my hand, you play with my hair, we fall asleep together, you cuddle with me when we do, and you constantly tell me things that make me feel like we could be more than friends."

Sam paused. Gabe must've known where he was going with this, but his friend said nothing.

Sam continued, "But you didn't want me. You want to just be friends, which is fine. But you still act like we're more. It's…difficult."

"Sam, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to-"

"You know the worst part? You are the only person I've ever opened up to, the only one I've ever wanted to be close to, and you never pass judgment even when I've expected it," Sam said, "But even though you know me better than anyone, you can't love me. And I don't blame you. I'd be too fucked up for you even if you did."

"Sam, that's not-" Gabe tried.

Sam cut him off, "I'm sorry. I don't mean to put that on you."

Gabe stayed silent for a moment. If he was going to prove Charlie and Dorothy right, if he had feelings for Sam, he would've said something. God, Sam felt awful.

"Do you really want in my head, Gabe?" Sam asked.

Gabriel nodded but said nothing.

Sam sighed and stared at the ceiling. He couldn't look at Gabe when he said it.

"I wish I would just die," Sam said.

"Don't you dare say that," Gabe snapped.

"I'm a nuisance to everyone I know," Sam said, "It'd be better."

Gabe him a horrified look, "How could you possibly think that?"

"Because it's true, Gabe."

"No, it's not. You're my best friend."

"You have a shitty person for a best friend."

"How can I prove it to you? I love spending time with you. You are perfect, Sam. I know you don't see it, but it's true. You are the strongest person I've ever met. I care more about you than anyone else. I love you."

"Don't say things you don't mean."

"Dammit, Sam. I mean it. I wish you could see yourself clearly. I love you for who you are. I swear I do. You're amazing."

"Gabe, you don't-"

Gabriel pressed his lips to Sam's, and Sam's heart stopped. This was what Gabe didn't tell him? But he didn't feel that way. He wouldn't have rejected him before if he did. What was happening?

He broke away from Gabe. What the hell was Gabriel doing? Why did he do that? He didn't feel that way about Sam.

"Sam," Gabe said.

That kiss was a lie. It was just to make him feel better. The love in Gabe's eyes was a lie. All of it, lies.

Sam got up and walked out the door.

Gabe called after him, "Sam, wait!"

But it was too late. Sam was out in the cold, night air and running home.


	38. Free To Be You and Me

Shit. He was really going to do it. Holy shit. Dean's nerves kept him silent on the way home from Cassie's hotel room. As they approached their apartment door, Dean heard Charlie crying. Quickly, he and Cas walked in.

"What's going on?" Dean asked. Charlie had her face buried in Dorothy's shoulder.

Dorothy shook her head at Dean, "Don't worry. We just finished watching Les Mis. You know how she is."

Charlie wailed, "Why can't they just live? Just one time!" Dean turned towards Cas, who was still looking at Charlie in utter confusion.

"Do you want to go out?" Dean asked.

Cas' eyebrows knit together, "But Dean, we just got back from being out."

"No, Cas," Dean said, grinning, "I mean, do you want to go out on a date?"

Cas' eyes widened, and Dean just about drowned in all that blue. He had to do it. It had to be today. Maybe not around Charlie being overly emotional about a movie, but it had to happen.

Cas smiled, "Are you asking me out?"

Dean gave Cas an exasperated look.

Cas laughed, "Okay, where do you want to go?"

"I have an idea," Dean said.

They walked out the door, Dean leading the way.

"Where are we going?" Cas asked.

Dean smiled at Cas, "It's a surprise."

Dean started second guessing his plan. But it needed to happen. He had to do it. Still, he wanted a little insurance.

"Cas," Dean asked, "If we broke up, what would you do?"

Cas stopped walking. "Why?" he asked, suspiciously.

Dean said, "Just curious." Cas nodded, his eyes never leaving Dean's face, and continued walking where Dean was leading.

"I don't know," Cas said, "I'd be very upset. I'd probably cry, maybe take a long walk to have some space. I don't know." That wasn't quite what Dean was getting at.

"Where would you live?" he asked.

Cas sighed, "Would you really kick me out again?"

Dean shook his head, "Probably not. But would you want to live with me if we broke up?"

Cas stopped walking again. "Dean, you are really starting to worry me," he said.

Dean smiled, "No, it's not that. Don't worry. Just asking questions."

Dean's heart raced. This could work. This could be okay. They kept walking for a while in silence, but it was comfortable. Dean reached for Cas' hand when they came to a red light.

"Jesus, Cas, your hands are freezing," he said.

Cas shrugged, "I'm used to it."

Dean took Cas' hands in his and breathed warm air on them.

Cas smiled at Dean. "You don't have to do that," he said.

The light turned green, and they crossed the street. Dean pulled his gloves out of his pockets.

"Here," he said, "Take these."

Cas shook his head, "You really don't have to. Your hands will get cold."

"They've been fine so far. Seriously, take them," Dean said.

Cas reluctantly pulled the gloves on and held Dean's hand. "Thank you," he said.

Dean grinned and said, "We're almost there."

Cas looked around and said, "We're not really close to any...Dean, are we-?"

Dean nodded.

As they rounded the corner, Dean watched Cas' eyes widen and a smile spread across his lips.

"Figured our first real date could be where our first not-a-date was," Dean said quietly.

Cas turned and kissed him softly.

"I don't know what to say," Cas murmured.

Dean led Cas across the street to the two towers of Millennium Park. The towers, while still showing faces, were not covered in falling water like they were in the early winter when Dean and Cas had first gone.

Dean asked, "You want some hot chocolate?"

Cas nodded. They walked over by the skating rink to the vendors. Dean ordered the hot chocolate and handed one to Cas. Dean leaned against the rail encircling the rink. Everyone seemed to have so much fun skating. Dean sipped his hot chocolate.

"What about sex?" Dean asked suddenly.

Cas almost dropped his cocoa onto the ice.

"What?" Cas asked.

Dean felt the sudden rush of blood to his cheeks warming his face against the cold air.

"I mean, if we have sex, how would we...?" Dean tried.

Cas kissed him and smiled warmly, "We'd do whatever you're comfortable with."

"But what would you be comfortable with?" Dean asked.

Cas shrugged, "I don't know. I've never done anything. We'll figure it out when we need to. Don't worry."

"What if we needed to figure it out now?"

"Dean, you're not ready for sex. You said so not all that long ago."

"What if I am ready?"

Cas grinned, "Are you proposing we have sex in the cold in the middle of Millennium Park?"

Dean shook his head, "No, I just-"

Cas said softly, "Don't worry so much. It'll be fine." For whatever reason, that did help Dean calm down a bit. He still had to do it, though. He needed to. But it didn't seem like the right time.

"What if we broke up?" Dean asked.

Cas sighed, "We already talked about-"

"No, I mean what if we broke up after we had sex? I'd be your first and if we broke up, I don't know-" Dean said.

Cas stopped him, "Dean, if you break up with me, it will hurt. Period. End of story. That's how breaking up is. If you have my virginity, it might hurt a little worse, granted, but I don't care. Whatever we share in the time we have together is worth anything pain that comes up later."

Dean looked back at the people on the ice. Some were more experienced than others. Some were wiping out every few steps while others did tricks in the center of the rink.

"You say that now," Dean said.

Cas looked at him. "Is something wrong, Dean?" he asked.

Dean shook his head, but his heart was about to burst out of his chest.

Cas held Dean's gaze and grabbed his hand, "You are a terrible liar. What's going on?"

Dean cleared his throat, running his hand over the back of his neck. "Nothing," he said, "Really."

Cas gave him a very concerned look.

"C'mon," Dean said. Cas followed him, despite his apparent worry.

He didn't want to worry Cas. That hadn't been the intention. Dean really needed to just get it out there before anything got any worse. Even if he didn't want to, even if it scared him, this had to happen. They walked past the Bean over to the band shell. Dean could just see the frozen shores of Lake Michigan from where they stood.

"I need to tell you something," Dean said, looking out at the snowy beach. No, he had to do this face to face. He had to. Dean forced himself to look at Cas. There was so much concern in his boyfriend's face, but there was no hiding the amount of love there. It made Dean feel amazing to have that kind of affection aimed at him.

"I'm sorry if I made you worry, Cas," Dean said, "I promise everything's fine."

Cas sat with Dean on one of the metal benches near the band shell. He seemed a bit more at ease but not enough.

Dean said quickly, "I was only asking about if we broke up, because I need to know that if, for whatever reason, we do split up, that you'll be okay. I need to know that it won't be like when I kicked you out. I need to know you'll have a place, and you'll still eat meals, and you'll be safe. I need to know you'll be alright."

Cas stared at him but finally asked, "What's this about?"

"We're family, Cas," Dean said, "I need you. And if we ever broke up, that would still be true. We'd still be family. I'll always need you."

Slowly, Cas wrapped his arms around Dean and hugged him tightly.

"I know. I need you, too," Cas said quietly.

Dean hugged his boyfriend back and buried his face in Cas' jacket. It was so warm, Dean was reluctant to move from that spot.

"Do you want to go out to dinner?" Dean asked.

Cas grinned, "Was that really all you wanted to tell me?"

"Yeah," Dean lied.

Cas stood up and pulled Dean up with him, "Then you may take me out to dinner if you'd like."

Dean smiled, "If I didn't want to, I wouldn't have asked."

"If I didn't want to, I wouldn't have answered you," Cas said.

"Well, there's this pizza place," Dean said, "I can't remember its name, but I know where it's at."

Cas said quickly, "Sounds good. Lead the way."

They walked north for a bit, neither saying much of anything.

When they were about a block away, Cas asked, "Was it really necessary to give me a heart attack back there?"

"What?" Dean asked.

Cas sighed, "I was really starting to think you were going to break up with me."

Dean stopped and hugged Cas gently. "I'm sorry," he said. He released Cas and looked him in the eye, "I didn't mean to freak you out, I swear."

Cas smiled. "So, where's this pizza place?" he asked.

Dean replied, "Just a little further. It's got the best pizza ever. You're going to love it. It's not just pizza, it's like a pizza pot pie. And they've got this amazing bread-"

"Dean, I'm already hungry enough," Cas said.

Dean grinned, "Sorry."

When they arrived at the restaurant, Dean spotted a sign on the door.

"Shit," he said.

Cas asked, "What?" Dean pointed to the sign.

"Cash only," Dean said, "I don't carry cash."

"Maybe they have an ATM?" Cas suggested. That was a good point. With a cash rule like that, they should definitely have an ATM. Dean led the way inside.

It was darker than he remembered. He still had no idea what this place was called. It was sort of a hole in the wall entrance, and there didn't seem to be any signs inside. A server came up to seat them.

"Two?" she asked.

Dean said, "First, do you have an ATM?"

She looked at her menus awkwardly, "We do, but it's out of order. I'm sorry."

Dean sighed. This had been a great idea. Cas gave Dean a small smile.

"Sorry," Dean said to the server. They walked back outside. It was starting to get very dark in the city.

"Where to now?" Cas asked.

"I don't know," Dean said, "I'm sorry, Cas. This was supposed to go a lot better."

Cas replied, "It's fine. I just need food. We could stop at a McDonald's, and this would still be the best date I've ever been on."

"I'll make it up to you," Dean said.

Cas sighed, "Seriously, Dean. Is there a McDonald's nearby?"

Dean grinned. "Yeah," he said, "Up the block."

Cas led the way, fueled by apparent starvation. The determined way Cas was walking just made Dean adore him more. He was so ridiculously cute, and he wasn't even trying.

They wound up grabbing some chicken nuggets to go and headed back to the apartment. By the time they got there, Dean missed his Impala with a violent passion, and he could barely feel his toes due to the cold.

They went inside and found Charlie asleep on Dorothy's lap. Dorothy was reading something, only looking up to greet them with a smile.

"We'll take this to our room," Dean said softly.

Dorothy mouthed a quick 'thanks' and tucked a strand of Charlie's hair behind her ear.

Dean approached Cas, who had just jumped onto the bed with his chicken nuggets, and started feeling nervous all over again. But c'mon. This was Cas. It would be okay. If they broke up, Cas would be fine. If they stayed together, that'd be great. They would take care of each other no matter what. Dean swallowed his fear and sat on the bed with his boyfriend. He didn't want to freak out Cas again. He didn't want to shock him while he was eating either. So, he waited. He munched on his own dinner for a bit, but his stomach was too antsy to bother with much food.

Soon, Cas finished eating and looked at Dean.

"Are you okay?" Cas asked, "You look...Dean, what's going on?"

"What if I didn't feel about you the way you think I do?" he asked. As the words came out of his mouth, he wanted to kick himself in the face. Cas turned about two shades whiter.

"God, no. That's not what I mean. Shit," Dean stammered. Nut up or shut up, Winchester. Dean took a deep breath.

He looked Cas in the eye and caught him in a full kiss. He wrapped his arms around his boyfriend and kissed him again. And again. When he stopped, they were both panting. Dean pressed their foreheads together as they caught their breath.

Cas said between breaths, "Dean, what-?"

"I love you," Dean said softly.

Cas backed up from Dean quickly and fixed him with a warm, blue stare.

"Are you serious?" Cas asked.

Dean gave him a confused look.

"That's what this was all about? You were trying to tell me you love me?" Cas asked.

Dean nodded.

"You made me think that you-But it was just-," Cas stammered, flustered.

He paused and said, "I love you, too, Dean."

Dean kissed Cas as his heart hammered in his chest. He was so glad Cas wasn't mad at him for being a basket case. It was such a relief.

Cas pulled Dean on top of him and kissed him within an inch of his life.


	39. Sam, Interrupted

The second Sam heard Dean and Cas come home, he got off his bed and walked over to Dean's room. He saw the closed door and thought better of going in. He didn't need to bother Dean with his problems. He really shouldn't be bothering anyone at all. Period.

He walked back to his room and sat on his bed. That kiss was in his head and under his skin. What had Gabriel done? Sam started pacing the length of his room. He wanted to rip his hair out. Why did Gabe kiss him? He couldn't possibly...no.

Sam's phone rang. He ended the call without even looking at the caller ID. He knew it was Gabriel calling. Again. But he couldn't talk to him. Gabe had rejected Sam flat out and just, what? Changed his mind? He couldn't deal with him. He needed to tell Dean. Dean would just let Gabriel waltz right in if he didn't know what happened. Hell, he might let Gabriel waltz right in anyway.

Sam got up and went back over to Dean's door.

He heard Dean say, "That's not what I mean. Shit."

Sam backed away from the door slowly. Dean was busy. He didn't have time for Sam's shit. Sam retreated back to his room. His phone rang again. He was tempted to rip the battery out. Each ring made Sam feel a little bit more insane, a little closer to the edge. How was this even happening? He just wanted relief.

Gabe had been that relief, but then everything went to shit. If Gabriel did feel that way about Sam, he should have said something. He should have...but he couldn't feel anything towards Sam. He couldn't possibly feel anything towards such a monster. How could anyone feel anything towards someone who saw their abuser's evil smile every time they closed their eyes? How could anyone love someone so broken, so decrepit, so inhuman, so...unclean as Sam Winchester?

Sam's phone beeped. Gabriel had resorted to texting.

"Sam. Answer your phone."

"Please, talk to me."

"I'm sorry."

"Text me, please."

"Sam."

"Sam. Answer. Now."

Sam's phone rang again, and he ignored it.

The next text read, "Don't do this. Please. I meant to tell you. Don't make me do this via text. Talk to me."

Sam tossed his phone in his laundry hamper and fought the urge to put his fist through the drywall. He needed to talk to somebody. He went out in the hall to see if Dorothy was still out in the living room. She was, but Dorothy had put her book aside and was sleeping with Charlie passed out in her lap. He hesitantly walked back to Dean's room. It was quiet. Sam heard his phone ringing from the laundry basket, swallowed his pride, and crossed his fingers.

He knocked on the door. There was no answer. Shit. Shit. Shitshitshit.

Sam opened the door and walked in.

"Sam," Dean said, separating himself from Cas, "What the hell?"

Sam let out a sigh of relief that they still had clothes on. He thanked whatever deities were listening that he had yet to see anything his innocent eyes couldn't handle.

"Sorry. Gabriel kissed me," Sam said.

Dean grinned widely, "Way to go."

"No," Sam said, "He's...it's...I can't...I don't..." Dean sat Sam down where he had been sitting next to Cas.

"Hey, Sammy. It's okay. Slow down," Dean said.

Sam took a breath and felt Cas wrap him in a hug. That was about all Sam could take. He'd told Gabe things that he'd never told anyone, things he would never say out loud again. He hugged Cas and tried to avoid getting tears on Cas' shirt. Why did Gabriel have to kiss him? Why did he have to kiss Gabriel? Everything was so much easier when he was just stuck with Lucifer...Luci.

Sam felt Dean's hand on his back.

He sat up and tried to compose himself. Dean put his reassuring hand on Sam's shoulder.

"You want to tell us what happened, or do you want to do something to take your mind off of it?" Dean asked.

"I don't really want to talk about it," Sam said.

Dean nodded, "Alright. You want a distraction? We could play Risk or something."

Sam recognized what Dean was trying to do. Risk was the one game Sam and Dean would always play and never say no to. Turning down Risk was like turning down air. It didn't happen unless serious shit was going down.

Sam shook his head reluctantly. Dean stared at Sam, dumbfounded.

"I just don't want you letting Gabriel in the apartment. He's been trying to talk to me, and I just...I can't," Sam said.

Dean sighed, "Are you sure you should be avoiding him? Obviously Gabriel didn't handle himself very well, but are you sure this is-"

"Yes. I'm sure. I told him how I felt, and he wanted to be friends. He only kissed me because of what I was saying to him."

"What were you-"

"I'm not talking about it," Sam said flatly.

Cas gave Sam a concerned look and said, "We're here if you do want to talk about it...or anything."

"Seriously, Sam. You can tell us about anything. We're here for you," Dean added.

Sam hugged his brother in an attempt to stop him worrying so much. Truthfully, Dean had a right to be worried. Everyone did. Sam felt like a time bomb. Given enough time, and he would destroy everyone and everything he'd ever cared about.

As he got up to leave, Sam saw a flicker of guilt in Dean's eyes, and he just wanted to smack him for it. This was not Dean's fault. This was not on Dean in the slightest. This was Sam's fault. He finally got what he wanted. He didn't want to bring Gabriel down with his shit. Now, they wouldn't even be friends, and he wouldn't be a burden to Gabriel at all. He couldn't say the same for Dean or Cas or the girls, but it was a start.

Sam retreated to his room and retrieved his phone from the laundry. More missed calls and texts. He still didn't answer. He deserved this pain. He fell in love with his best friend who he should never have even met. The only thing he truly deserved was Luci. But he couldn't go back to him. His aching arm and ribs were a testament to that.

He wouldn't have any way to know if Luci was alright now. Kali would tell Gabe, but Gabe wouldn't be able to tell Sam. Sam was starting to realize, though, that he didn't really care. If Luci died, it would be his fault, but everything else already was. What was one more fuck-up in his mountain of horrible everything? And that made him hate himself more. If he truly didn't care about Luci's death or self-harm or anything, he should've left months ago. He should've left Luci before he and Gabriel had anything to talk about. Then, he wouldn't be in this mess. His arm probably wouldn't be broken and throbbing. Gabriel would be nothing to him other than a random stranger like he should've been.

Sam stayed in his room for the rest of the night. Every time he fell asleep, he awoke with his heart pounding from another night under Luci's control. His dreams started changing as the night wore on. He was always being beaten, he was always being hurt, but by the time dawn arrived, Sam was also haunted by Gabriel's horrified expression from witnessing Sam's psyche.

The next day dragged. Dean tried to coax him out for breakfast, but Sam insisted on trying to sleep. When he said he hadn't slept well the night before, it was only happenstance that he wasn't lying. Really, Sam spent the morning staring at his wall.

He kept hearing Gabriel's words. "I mean it." He just wanted it all to stop. He wanted to sleep without dreaming. He wanted to live without hurting. He just wanted it all to stop.

Cas came in around noon and sat with Sam for a while. He didn't talk or say anything. He just waited.

Eventually, Sam sat up and looked at Cas. Cas must've been sitting there for at least an hour.

Sam asked slowly, "Is Gabe really in love with me?"

Cas gave him a small smile. "Yeah," he said, "He is."

Sam sat against the wall at the corner of his bed.

"Why?" Sam asked.

Cas shrugged, "That's something you'll have to ask him."

Right. Made sense. Except Gabe had already told him. He loved Sam for Sam. Sam nodded to Cas and laid back down facing the wall.

When he didn't come out for dinner, Dean brought food to Sam.

"What food do you want? I will literally make you anything you want," Dean said.

Sam didn't know what he was going to do. He couldn't do anything. He'd be perfectly fine wasting away in his room. Everything was broken. Absolutely everything. The only reason he couldn't just disappear into the universe was Dean. And Cas. And Charlie and Dorothy.

Sam sat up and said, "I'll eat whatever you'll make. I promise."

Dean gave him a skeptical once over. "Cheeseburgers?" he offered.

Sam said, "Sure. Sounds good."

Dean nodded slowly and left without another word. He needed to be okay for Dean. He needed to be okay for everyone. So, he did what he'd done to hide the pain from Luci. He slapped a smile on his face and walked out of his room to the rest of his family, not letting anyone see how rapidly his soul was dying. He knew it wasn't healthy, but Sam was an expert at faking being okay. The few weeks that he hadn't been at Luci's mercy couldn't have hurt his façade that bad.

Sam ate the burger Dean made for him, and even though he felt like he was going to puke it all up later due to his unsettled stomach, he still ate the whole thing. After dinner, he went back to his room to lie down, or at least that's what he told everyone else. When Sam shut his door, he lay down and stared at the ceiling.

His phone rang again. This time, Sam answered it.

"Sam?" Gabe said.

Sam didn't say anything. He held the phone to his head but said nothing.

"Sam, are you there?" Gabe asked.

Sam stayed silent. Honestly, he'd only answered so the phone would stop ringing. Hearing Gabriel's voice hurt. But Sam deserved it. He deserved every ounce of pain he got. He was hurting everyone around him; it was only fair that they should hurt him, too.

Gabe said, "Sam, I don't know if you picked up, but I'm sorry. I shouldn't have...I don't know. I should've told you sooner. I didn't think that you would be able to handle hearing it so soon after...I didn't want to be...I was selfish...you're probably not even there. I'm so sorry, Sam."

Sam felt like he was going to cry again, but he held it back. He'd hold it all back until he was numb if he had to. How amazing it would be to feel numb.

"Talk to me, Sam," Gabe begged.

Sam snapped his phone shut.

It rang again instantly. Sam left it on his bed as he started to pace again.

When he got closer to the door, Sam heard Charlie say, "Maybe we can organize getting them together. I'll take one squadron to Gabriel's and you can keep the rest of the troops here to keep an eye on Sam. We might need some artillery, but we can fix this. I'm sure of it."

Sam sighed. All he wanted to do was curl up on his bed, get rid of his fucking phone, and die. It was the only way he'd ever get any relief. He poked his head out into the hall and saw Charlie and Dean bent over what looked like a Risk board. Were they really strategically planning about this?

Sam slunk back into his room. He didn't want to know what they were doing.

His phone was ringing again.

"Sam? Sam, tell me you're there," Gabe said when Sam answered again.

He lay down in bed with his phone open next to him. He couldn't say anything. He was starting to understand that Gabriel did feel something for him, but that wasn't okay. He was going to ruin Gabriel's life. He sort of had already. Distance was the only solution at this point.

Gabe said, sounding far away, "Please, talk to me. I'm so sorry. I just need to hear your voice, Sam. Just one word. Please."

Sam was so close. He wanted to pick up the phone and say Gabe's name and have everything be okay. But nothing was ever going to be okay. He snapped the phone shut again and removed the battery from the back.

Another long night later, Sam woke up, drenched in sweat. The dreams were worse. Lucifer was killing Gabriel, over and over and over again, choking the life from him on repeat. Then, Sam was Lucifer. Killing Gabriel. Beating Dean within an inch of his life. Falling into nothing but darkness.

Sam went to the bathroom and splashed water in his face.

Dean was already up making breakfast.

"I'm going to go for a walk," Sam said as he passed Dean in the kitchen.

"Do you want company?" Dean offered.

Sam shook his head with a false grin, "No, it's okay. I might go see Gabe. I don't know. I'll be back eventually."

Dean beamed at Sam, "Have fun."

Sam nodded and grabbed his jacket. When he walked outside, he felt a little guilty.

He had no intention of seeing Gabriel, but he needed to get out of the apartment. He needed space, fresh air, and a new life. He just wanted out of the cage he'd put himself in. This was all his fault. He had no one else to blame. Sam walked without direction and wished it would all just end.


	40. The Rapture

Dean served up scrambled eggs for Cas as Charlie and Dorothy stumbled out of their room half asleep.

"Good morning," Dean greeted, "Food?"

Charlie nodded.

As Dean slid plates of eggs in front of Charlie and Dorothy, Cas asked, "Where's Sam?"

"He's out on a walk," Dean answered.

Cas' eyebrows shot up.

Dean grinned, "He said he might see Gabriel. I'm not holding my breath, but he said he might."

"It's something," Charlie said.

When Cas finished his food, Dean asked, "Are you ready to go?"

Dorothy asked, "Where are you going this early?"

"It's almost noon," Dean said, "And we were going to get Cas' stitches out yesterday, but Sam was so...we're going to the hospital."

Cas stood up and rinsed off his plate. Dean grabbed his plate, scraped it off and joined Cas in the kitchen. He dropped his dish in the sink and wrapped his arms around Cas from behind.

"I love you," he whispered against Cas' shoulder.

Cas leaned back against Dean's chest, "I love you, too. We should go."

Dean nodded and released his boyfriend. They got on their coats and walked to the hospital. It wasn't all that far. It was only six blocks away.

When they got in, a nurse walked them to a room and asked, "Just stitch removal today?"

Cas nodded. Dean held his hand as the nurse rolled up Cas' shirt to look at the stitches.

"Looks good. This will be a little cold," she said. She wiped an alcohol drenched cotton swab around the area. Cas clenched Dean's hand in shock but didn't make a sound.

The nurse smiled at Cas. "Just relax," she said.

She grabbed a pair of tweezers and surgical scissors.

"This won't hurt," she said, "If it does, let me know."

Dean watched as the nurse used tweezers to lift the first stitch and snip it with the scissors. He looked at Cas. Cas smiled at Dean. Sure, Dean had had his share of stitches, but Cas potentially being in any pain didn't sit well with him. Cas' stitches came out easily.

When the nurse smoothed a bandage over the wound, Dean asked, "Does a doctor need to look at it?"

The nurse sighed, "No, he's good to go."

Cas got up and pulled his shirt down, concealing the line of his hip bone that Dean had been appreciating.

As they left, Dean said, "The next time we're in the hospital will be too soon."

Cas slipped his fingers between Dean's.

"How likely is it that we'll come home to an empty apartment?" he asked.

Dean glanced at Cas and smiled, "Is there a reason the apartment should be empty?"

Cas simply shrugged. As it happened, Dean and Cas arrived at the apartment only to find a note from Charlie saying they'd gone to the Roadhouse to see Jo.

They dropped their jackets and shoes by the door.

Dean looked over at Cas. They went to check Sam's room. He wasn't home either. Dean hoped he was over at Gabriel's. He probably was. It was way too cold outside for him to still be walking around.

Cas walked over to their room. Dean followed him in and closed the door. Without a word, Cas took off his shirt and looked at Dean expectantly. Dean stepped over to his boyfriend slowly, letting his hand travel up Cas' chest, around the back of his neck, and through his hair.

"Cas," Dean whispered before kissing Cas gently on the lips. He led Cas backwards onto the bed. Laying him down, Dean trailed kisses from Cas' mouth down his chest to his waist. He'd told Cas he loved him. Now, he wanted to show him.

Slowly, haltingly in case Cas wanted to stop him, he unzipped Cas' fly and carefully worked his pants off of his hips, down his legs, and onto the floor next to the bed. Cas' eyes devoured Dean, watching and absorbing his every movement. Dean never wanted to be away from that passionate, intense gaze.

He started to take off his shirt, but Cas stopped him. Dean's breath caught as Cas moved his hands under his shirt and up his chest. Agonizingly slowly, Cas took off Dean's shirt and dropped it off the edge of the bed. Dean kissed Cas' neck as Cas' hands ventured to undo Dean's pants. Cas broke from Dean to slide the denim off Dean's legs.

Once they were both in boxers, Dean pushed Cas onto his back and kissed him hard. His hands tried to memorize every contour of Cas' body. He tried to pour every ounce of love he had into Cas with his lips, with his hands, with his hips, everything he had. But it wasn't enough. Dean worked Cas' boxers off; they wound up joining the growing pile of clothes on the ground. He saw how hard Cas was and looked up at his boyfriend.

Cas met his gaze. "You don't have to do anything you don't want to," he said.

Dean said, "I know. But I want to." Dean felt Cas take a deep breath as he gently pressed his lips to the bandage on Cas' side. He started to get nervous again. But he needed to do this. He needed him to know. He wanted him.

He slid his hand up Cas' thigh and elicited a gasp of pleasure from his boyfriend as he ran his fingers along Cas' length. It was weird to him, but it was definitely a good weird. Especially if he could keep making Cas make those small noises of want. Dean slowly lowered his lips to Cas' tip, just enough to make Cas squirm.

"Dean," Cas murmured. Dean crawled back up to where he was comfortable and kissed Cas on the lips.

"I want you," Dean said quietly.

Cas ran his hands up Dean's back and said, "I know."

Dean kissed Cas' collar bone. He whispered, "Cas, I want to, I just don't know-"

Cas cut Dean off with a kiss. "It's okay," he said, "We can do whatever you want."

"How do you want to-?" Dean asked.

Cas grinned, "Well, taking off your boxers would probably be a good start."

Right. That was sort of necessary. Dean slipped out of his boxers and looked at Cas awaiting further instruction. Cas pulled Dean down next to him and wrapped a hand around Dean's erection. Dean shut his eyes to keep from moaning. That just felt so damn good.

"I don't think you would be comfortable being on bottom," Cas said quietly.

Dean asked, "Would you...be okay with...?"

Cas nodded.

"I might be okay with it later," Dean said.

Cas smiled, "You might. But right now, this is new. You should do what you're used to." Dean nodded. His boyfriend certainly had a point.

He knelt between Cas' legs and said, "Tell me if anything bothers you, if anything hurts, if you're not comfortable with anything. Just tell me, and I'll stop."

Cas nodded. Dean thanked God that he'd done anal with a few of his one night stands before.

He stuck a finger in his mouth to get it wet and slid it into Cas slowly, watching Cas' face for his reaction. His boyfriend's pupils were wide and his breath was coming faster.

"Okay?" Dean asked.

Cas nodded, "Okay."

He worked Cas open slowly, savoring each time Cas let out a moan he couldn't fight, and he slipped a second finger in. Cas gasped and clutched the sheets.

"It's okay," Dean said softly, "I've got you."

Cas let out a shaky breath and nodded.

Dean kept working him wider, making sure to be as careful and gentle as possible. He still couldn't believe he was doing this. He stuck his third finger in.

"Dean," Cas gasped. Dean stilled his hand, looking at Cas.

"Top drawer," Cas panted, "Under your socks."

Dean took out his fingers from Cas and reached for his dresser. Under his socks, he found a bottle of lube.

"Cas?" Dean asked.

Cas replied, "It seemed like it might be useful at some point."

Dean grinned. He was about to squirt some on his fingers, but Cas took the bottle and poured the lube on his hand. Cas sat up and slicked Dean's cock for him. His fingers felt amazing wrapping around him.

"Ready?" Dean asked.

Cas said, "I love you."

Dean smiled at his beautiful boyfriend and replied, "I love you, too."

He lined himself up and slowly pressed himself into Cas' heat. Cas moaned and Dean was overcome with want. He wanted to be closer to Cas. He pulled out slowly and pushed back in to see what Cas could take. Cas' eyes fluttered as he gasped.

"Faster," he begged.

Dean obliged, thrusting faster, enjoying the look of bliss making Cas glow. Anytime Cas moaned or gasped or made any other pleasure filled noise, Dean made sure to replicate the motion. His hands worshiped Cas, covering every inch of his boyfriend in caresses and tender, massaging touches. He wanted to make Cas' first time perfect, but he couldn't focus on that. The passion of their first time made it hard to focus on anything other than how good everything felt, how different everything felt, and Cas. Always Cas.

"Dean," Cas said. This time it wasn't a moan. Dean slowed his movements and put a hand in Cas' hair.

"I'm really...I'm not gonna..." Cas stammered. Dean smiled and kissed Cas. He put more power into his thrusts but still kept the speed lazy.

"It's okay," Dean said, "It's okay."

He gently grabbed Cas' erection, slowly working him up and down until Cas came.

Dean slipped out of Cas and grabbed one of his old t-shirts out of his dresser. He used to clean up Cas and part of their bed, then threw it into his laundry basket in the closet.

Dean was still painfully hard, but he wasn't about to keep going in Cas after his boyfriend was done. He lay down next to Cas and stared at him. Cas stared back, smiling at him.

"You're amazing," Dean whispered. He kissed Cas softly and thoroughly. Cas moved to kiss Dean's neck and reached for Dean's crotch.

"Cas," Dean said, "You don't have to."

Cas looked Dean in the eye. "I'm going to anyway," he said.

Dean kissed Cas more roughly as Cas began to finish Dean off. It was all Dean could do not to cry out from how good Cas felt. His boyfriend was very good with his hands. Within minutes, Dean turned onto his side so he'd only mess up the bed and not get cum everywhere.

Cas wrapped his arms around Dean.

"You're amazing," Cas said. Dean turned back over and kept kissing Cas.

They laid together for a while until Cas said, "I don't think Sam went to Gabriel's place."

"What? Why?" Dean asked.

Cas shrugged, "I just have a feeling."

"If he didn't go over there, he would've been here by now," Dean said. But he started getting a sinking feeling that Cas was right.

"Maybe we should call Gabriel," Dean suggested. Cas slowly got up and grabbed his boxers from the floor.

Dean protested, "We don't have to get dressed to make a phone call."

Cas sighed with a smile on his face, "We do if I'm right."

Cas flipped open his phone as Dean begrudgingly got dressed.

When Gabriel answered the phone, Cas asked, "Have you seen Sam today?"

Cas shook his head at Dean, and Dean pulled his pants on faster.

"We're coming over. I'll call when we're outside," Cas said. Dean looked at Cas. Where the hell could Sam be? It was fucking cold outside. He couldn't still be walking around the city. Dean's phone rang, and the fact that it wasn't Sam made him get more concerned.

"Hello?" he said.

Cassie said, "Hey, Dean. I just got a call. I'm being shipped out tomorrow. I just...I thought you might want to know."

"Tomorrow?" Dean asked, "Are you serious?"

Cassie said, "My flight leaves at 7am tomorrow. So, I guess this is goodbye for a while."

"I guess so," Dean said, "Be safe."

Cassie laughed, "I will. Take care." She hung up and Dean pocketed his phone. Cas cocked his head to the side in curiosity.

Dean explained, "That was Cassie. She's being shipped out early. Tomorrow, actually."

"You should go see her," Cas said.

"Are you sure? What about Sam?" Dean asked.

Cas said, "I'm sure he's fine. I'll go over to Gabriel's, we'll figure out what's up with Sam. We'll call you if anything happens."

Dean wasn't sure about that at all. He needed to be there for Sam. Always. Period.

Cas wrapped his arms around Dean and said, "I know you're worried about her. If something happens to her and you didn't get to see her now, you'll never forgive yourself. We'll take care of Sam."

Dean sighed. Cas was right.

"Okay," Dean said, "If anything, and I mean anything, happens. Call me."

Cas nodded and kissed him.

"It'll be okay," Cas said. They got their coats and shoes, walking outside. Dean stuck his hands in his pockets, having given Cas his gloves.

"I'll see you later," Dean said.

Cas hugged him and said, "Of course."

Dean made sure his phone's ringer was at full volume and walked away from Cas, head full of post-sex haze and uncontrollable worry.


	41. Swan Song

Eventually, the cold started to annoy Sam. He headed back to the apartment.

His arm twinged in his cast, a constant reminder of his own failure. There was a small voice at the back of his mind telling him to bear the pain as penance for his stupidity, but he knew he should probably take a pain pill to stop the throbbing. Instead, he ignored the pain of his slowly healing bones. When Sam got back to the apartment, no one was home. So much the better. Sam could put himself through as much pain as he wanted without anyone being the wiser.

Dean's disappointment flashed before his eyes. How many times did he have to let his brother down in one lifetime? Gabe's pained voice rang in his ears. Sam clenched his teeth through the intensifying ache of his broken limb. Dammit, he needed a pain pill. He thought of Charlie and Dorothy telling him it was Gabe's loss that they weren't together. He thought of them telling him he could do better than Luci. As if he deserved better than that. He felt a tear fall from his tired eyes as he wished he could deserve better than Luci.

He thought of Gabriel and his lopsided grin, thought of Lucifer snapping his arm out of jealousy of Sam's friend. As much as he had wished he'd have a shot with Gabe, it wouldn't be fair to him. Sam was damaged goods. He was poison. He was broken beyond repair in ways Gabriel didn't even know about. He wasn't capable of the care Gabe should receive. He'd just drag the poor man down with him. He wasn't even sure if he knew how to love. He just felt so damn hollow. He wished it could just stop.

Sam stifled a whimper as his arm became too much to handle. He got up and grabbed his pill bottle from the bathroom. Sitting on his bed, he tried to stop fantasizing about being with Gabe. It would never happen, and he needed to accept that. Gabe deserved someone strong and caring, not a weak basket case like Sam. He was worse than weak, he was worthless. Everyone knew it, even Sam knew it. Luci was just the only one to say it. What was the point of anything if all he did was hurt the people he cared about?

He popped a pain killer in his mouth and swallowed it down with a gulp of water. He disappointed his brother, his friends, and himself time and time again. He was completely worthless, a total burden to everyone. Was it too much to ask for a few pain free moments? Apparently so. He should've bashed his head in, in that alley months ago. None of this would've happened. Every moment Sam was alive, he made everything worse no matter what he did. He wasn't worth the love his family gave him. Even if Gabe did miraculously and foolishly return his affections, he'd constantly feel guilty for being so undeserving of any of it. He was garbage. Gabe needed better than used up, broken garbage.

How could he have let himself break this far? There was nothing left for him to look forward to except the passage of time so he could maybe one day have the strength to look in the mirror without feeling the urge to strangle himself. And what a waste of time that would be. What a waste of life he was. At least that was something he could fix.

He popped another pain pill. Everyone could do better than him. They deserved a better person in his place. It was for the best, really. Dean could feel free to publicly show his feelings for Cas, Charlie and Dorothy could finally have the apartment free of the moping mess that Sam was, Gabe could find something useful to do with his time rather than listen to Sam's bullshit. He could find something, someone better. It'd be good for everyone.

He swallowed another pill. Best of all, Sam would finally stop hurting. He wouldn't have to force himself to stop remembering Luci, the good and the bad. He wouldn't have to force himself to get over Gabriel. He wouldn't have to see that look in Dean's eyes when he found out about what Luci had been doing, all that confusion and rage and judgment. He couldn't deal with seeing that pity and self-blame. He knew Dean blamed himself for what happened with Luci and he didn't even know the half of it. Gabriel was the only saving grace in all of this, and he couldn't be that grace anymore. Even if they worked everything out, even if they somehow got together, Gabe couldn't be there for Sam every second of every day.

Sometimes you have to do what's best for you even if it's going to hurt the ones you love. And God, Sam didn't want to hurt anymore. It didn't matter if that kiss was meant to make Sam feel better or if Gabriel really did feel something for Sam. He was too broken for anything, for anyone. Even though he might not see it, he'd be saving Gabriel pain. He'd be saving them all from the pain he'd bring them. He couldn't keep hurting everyone he cared about. Every time it happened, he hated himself more. And he hated himself enough already. He couldn't do it anymore. He was tired. Waking up took effort. Dying would be a relief.

He took another pill. He wouldn't have to watch everyone be happy without him.

Another pain pill.

Before he started feeling sick, Sam pulled out a piece of paper and tried to decide what to write as his last words to his family. It had to be something to make them understand.

Fifteen pills later, Sam lay down on his bed with a folded note in his hand that read: Please, understand. I did it, all of it, for you. Sorry.

He heard a small, "Sam?"

Starting at the edges, Sam's vision fogged hazily before it all turned to black.

Finally. Relief.


	42. When the Levee Breaks

Cassie was leaving in the morning. This was his last chance to say goodbye. It didn't take long to find the hotel. Something didn't feel quite right. Ignoring the feeling, he knocked on Cassie's hotel room door gingerly. Goodbyes always sucked. And Afghanistan? He couldn't shake the feeling that this was the last time he'd see his friend.

Cassie answered the door with a smile, "Hey, Dean."

He returned the smile, "I know you're leaving in the morning, and I shouldn't be stopping by this late keeping you up, but I had to say goodbye before you go."

She laughed, "You could have called." Dean rushed forward and pulled Cassie into a tight hug. After a moment, she pulled away.

"Well, you probably couldn't have done that over the phone, but I do really need to sleep," she said. He nodded and backed out into the hall.

"Just, be safe over there, okay?" he said.

She smiled and said, "I didn't go through combat training for nothing. I'll be fine."

"You'd better," he said, "If the next time I see you is at your funeral, I'll kill you."

She laughed and pulled him in for another hug, "I'll be fine Dean." He nodded and released her.

Before he left, she said, "Hey, do you have a skype? We can keep in better contact on there."

He laughed, "No, I don't have a— I can make one, though."

"Come inside for a sec?" she asked. He followed her into the hotel room. She sat on the bed and pulled a piece of stationery from the nightstand.

"I'll write my skype name down, so when Cas helps you make a skype, you can add me, and we can talk more," she said. Dean rolled his eyes at the insinuation that Cas would need to teach him how to make a skype even though that was entirely the case.

Dean's phone rang. It was Gabriel.

Cassie scribbled on the notepad as Dean said, "Gabriel?"

"Dean," he said, voice frantic, "It's Sam. He's…"

Cassie looked up at Dean, clearly able to hear the other line.

"Sam's what?" Dean asked.

Cassie folded up her paper and stuck it in Dean's pocket.

"He's in the hospital," Gabe rushed. It was clear he was having trouble speaking, maybe even crying.

"I have to go," he said to Cassie quickly. He ran out of the room.

"What happened?"

"He took half the bottle of his pain meds. He wasn't breathing. I don't—Dean, I—I don't know if he's—Get here quick." Dean's heart stopped.

No.

This wasn't happening. How could this be happening?

"Have they done anything for him?" he asked, as he backed towards the hotel door.

Gabe said, voice thick, "They admitted him, they check his heart on some machine, they pumped his stomach, they…they gave him activated charcoal. But his vitals are…they're not sure if he… They're saying the medication might already be in his system and the stomach pump may not have worked. He's been in and out…I just…oh, God, just get here." Gabe hung up.

Dean pocketed the phone. He ran as fast as he could towards the hospital, which luckily wasn't all that far. It was twelve blocks, but he didn't care. He wasn't going to wait for someone to pick him up. He wanted his baby more than anything. Not having a car was seriously unacceptable right now. Once he got there, everyone was in the waiting room except for Sam and Gabriel.

Cas took him to the hospital room and said quietly, "He's in and out, pretty disoriented. They're allowing us in the room, but if anything goes wrong, we're supposed to call the nurse." Dean burst into Sam's room where he was lying unconscious. Oh god.

For a moment, Sam's eyes opened.

"Dean?" he croaked. Sam tried to pick his head up a little.

"Whoa, whoa, Sam. Sam! Hey," Dean said, keeping Sam from moving too much. He held his brother's face in his hands.

"Come here," he said, "Let me look at you." He looked into Sam's eyes and saw almost no iris since his pupils were so dilated. A tear fell from Sam's wide eye.

"Hey, hey, look at me. It's not even that bad. It's not even that bad, alright?" Dean said quickly. He felt like he was telling himself. Half a bottle of knock off vicodin was that bad. But it couldn't be. Sam had to pull through it. Sam's eyelids started to droop.

"Sammy?" Dean said, panicked, "Sam!" Gabe touched Dean's arm, but he barely noticed. He just held onto Sam. His brother jerked, and he spewed blood from his mouth. Holy shit. Sam's blood covered part of Dean's arm and a bit of his shirt. It was too much for Dean to deal with. Sam needed to be okay. This all needed to be okay. And Dean needed to be strong for Sam. He wiped the blood on Sam's lips and chin away with the edge of his sleeve.

Gabe pressed the button for the nurse. Sam looked slightly more alert, but not by much.

"Hey, listen to me," he said, trying to keep his voice from wavering, "We're gonna patch you up, okay? You'll be good as new." He'd get some fluids in his system, the stomach pump will have worked, and everything would be okay. Sam's eyes fluttered for a moment.

"I'm gonna take care of you. I'm gonna take care of you. I've got you," Dean said, shaking Sam's head a little to keep him awake.

"That's my job, right?" Dean asked, hoping for a better response than this in and out consciousness, "Watch out for my pain in the ass little brother?" Sam's eyes closed.

"Sam?"

There was no response.

"Sam!"

Nothing.

"SAMMY!" he shouted, trying to jolt him awake or something. He was completely slack. Where was the nurse? Dean moved a hand from Sam's face to his neck to check for a pulse. It was barely there. No. He hugged his brother to him.

"No. No, no, no, no. Oh, God," he muttered. He laid his brother back against the hospital bed and looked at Gabriel for a split second. The pain he saw on that boy's face was too much. He turned back to his brother, tears pricking his eyes.

"SAM!" he yelled. Please, for the love of god, wake up.

A doctor and nurse ran into the room and checked his vitals immediately. The doctor stuck a syringe of something into Sam's IV bag. The nurse forced Dean and Gabriel from the room while they worked on stabilizing Sam.

Gabriel turned to Dean and hugged him tightly, crying into his jacket. Dean hugged him back and held on as if he was the only thing holding him to the planet. Quickly, Gabriel pulled away and stared at Sam through the window at the flurry of activity in the room.

Cas came over and pulled Dean to him, letting himself be Dean's anchor. This couldn't be happening. He hugged Cas as tight as he could and sobbed into his shoulder. None of this could possibly be happening.

"I'm so sorry," Cas whispered. Dean held onto him tighter.

"I shouldn't have told you to go to Cassie's. I had no idea he would've…I'm so sorry. I didn't think—" Cas said quickly. Dean wasn't mad at Cas. How could Sam have done this? How did Dean not know his brother was in so much pain that this could possibly have happened?

Dean collected himself enough to say, "I'm not mad at you, Cas. It's not your fault."

Cas kissed Dean on the forehead and asked, "Do you want to sit in the waiting area?"

Dean shook his head. He wanted to be with his brother. He wanted his brother to be okay. Dean walked over to the window next to Gabriel, and Cas' fingers never left his. They watched the hospital staff stabilize Sam, but Sam was still unconscious.

A nurse told Gabriel that he could go back in the room if he wanted, and he sat by Sam's side instantly, waiting.

Dean didn't move. He couldn't. He just kept staring at Sam laying in a hospital bed with a broken arm and a broken rib and a potentially lethal dose of painkiller in his system, and he just couldn't deal with any of that. He held Cas' hand a little tighter as fear started to crush his heart and lungs. That was his brother. That was his little brother. His little brother might be dying. And there was nothing Dean could do.


	43. In My Time of Dying

Wake up. Please, wake up. That's all he wanted. He just wanted to see Sam open those big hazel eyes. Gabriel didn't need to see him smile, though it would be nice. He didn't need to hear Sam's voice even though it would let him breathe again. He just needed Sam to open his eyes and wake up.

So, Gabe waited. He sat in the chair by Sam's hospital bed and waited. He reached forward and grabbed Sam's hand. It was enough to calm him, to keep him from throwing a chair across the room. He was so angry, he could barely contain it. How could Sam do this? But he was more scared than anything.

There was a small part of Gabe's brain that wished he had never walked down that alley, that he had never met Sam, but he knew that was stupid. If his dad hadn't tried to throw him across a whole damn room, he would've never gone out that night. He would've never met Sam the way he did. But what would that have solved? He would've met Sam through Cas. They just wouldn't have talked about Luci. Sam might still be together with Luci, and that might not be much better than the situation at hand.

After Sam's vitals had gone crazy, they were able to stabilize him, but he hadn't woken up in nearly a day and a half. The doctors had started talking about the potential for brain damage due to how long it had taken to get Sam breathing again. But Gabe didn't want to hear it. Sam had looked straight at Dean. He'd said his name. His brain was fine. He just needed to wake up.

This couldn't be happening. This whole thing was impossible. God, if Gabriel had just told Sam sooner...no. There had been no right way to handle that. Gabe hadn't thought Sam had feelings for him. When he started to get the idea that Sam may reciprocate some sort of affection, he knew he couldn't tell him how he felt. Sam needed time after splitting with Luci. The last thing Gabe wanted was Sam to rebound with him. And that's what it would be. Then, Sam told him how badly Gabe's actions were betraying his feelings and confusing Sam more, he couldn't keep him in the dark. He never said that he didn't feel for Sam, but he should've guessed that's how Sam took his wanting to be friends. He just didn't want to hurt Sam. If he let Sam rebound with him, that's exactly what would happen. He knew he loved Sam. He knew they could be great together, but jumping into it too fast could be just as disastrous and never trying at all. Just some time. He just needed some time. And now there wasn't any.

And it was all his fault.

No.

He could blame himself all he wanted, but he didn't do this. No one did this. Luci broke Sam's head. Sam broke Gabe's heart. And someone must have hurt Luci in some unspeakable way to make him the way he was. This wasn't anyone's fault. Sometimes bad things happen to good people. Sam was the best. And this thing that couldn't possibly be happening was the worst.

He wasn't going to cry again. There was no time for that.

Sam looked like he could open his eyes at any moment. And if that wasn't the most frustrating thing...Sam could wake up any time and he didn't. What Gabriel wouldn't give to see Sam's eyes smiling at him. He wanted to go back to watching Lord of the Rings with Sam on his futon and that amazing week. If Sam woke up, Gabe would do whatever he wanted to do. He'd go skating if he had to. Anything.

Gabriel ran his thumb across the back of Sam's hand.

"Wake up, Sam," he muttered. But he didn't. Every time Gabe begged him to wake up over these agonizing hours, he never did.

He kept seeing Sam collapsing in his apartment. Cas had come over but without Dean. Something about Cassie. Gabe didn't quite care, because Sam was missing. He knew what was going on in Sam's head. He told Cas about Sam wanting to be dead, and they had rushed straight back to the apartment. Had they gotten there a little sooner, maybe the situation may not have been so dire. Cas opened the apartment, and Gabriel had been the first to find Sam. And that note. It was burning in his pocket, but he refused to take it out. He knew what it said. No one else knew it existed, and he planned to keep it that way. Gabriel had rushed straight to Sam's room just in time to see Sam collapse to the floor. And now, Gabe couldn't close his eyes without seeing the man he loved crumpling beneath the weight of his own pain.

Gabe got up and brushed Sam's hair out of his face, not that his friend noticed.

"Wake up, baby. Please, open your eyes. Please," he whispered.

He wasn't lying when he said Sam was the best person he'd ever known. Sam was so selfless and sweet. He was selfless to a fault. To save Dean, he didn't tell him anything about Luci. To save Luci, he put up with pain and torture for months. To save Gabe, he took him in whenever he needed and tried to keep his distance even when he shouldn't have. And Sam would do anything for Cas or Charlie or Dorothy or anyone who asked anything of him. For whatever reason, he couldn't see it.

Gabriel would spend as much time as he needed trying to get Sam to see him for the miracle he was.

If he ever woke up. Sam had to wake up. Gabe sat down. Sam had to wake up. He had to. Gabe didn't know what he'd do without him. The guy had given him purpose for the first time in a long time. Before Sam, it was all he could do to get up and go to work. He would avoid his dad and his drunken fits by hiding in the lower flat. It wasn't until Sam that he'd even had the guts to confront his dad and really move into his lower level refuge. Before all this, he'd been aimlessly living one day to the next just sleeping through life trying to avoid his father and keep doing what he was doing which was nothing. Then, he aimlessly avoided his father and brothers, wandered down an alley, and woke up. Sam saved him from himself. And he didn't know.

He was going to tell him, but it was never the right time. Now, there was no time left. There was so much he needed to tell Sam. How he'd saved Gabriel from his father's wrath time and time again. How he'd given Cas a home and a family after his dad had up and left him. How much he was loved. How much he meant to everyone. How much he mattered. How much he had changed Gabriel's life. How he'd given Gabriel a reason to be. He desperately needed Sam to wake up. He needed to tell him all of that and so much more. And now, he might not get the chance.

Wake up. Wake up, wake up, wake up. Gabe just wanted to see Sam's eyes. It'd been so long since he'd seen Sam's real smile or hear that wonderful laugh, he couldn't even begin to hope for that. At least Sam's vitals were stable. Please, wake up. Gabriel choked back a few tears and cleared his throat. He could hold it together. He could.

"Sam," he said quietly, "I don't know if you can hear me right now, but I need you to know something. You're beautiful, Sam. You absolutely take my breath away with your stunning eyes and your beautiful heart. And I'm not just being nice, Sam. I'm not. It's just..."

He paused and tried not to let his voice crack. Slowly, he collected himself and continued talking to his unconscious friend, "I love you, and I can't have you...like this without saying it to you. I wish you could see yourself the way I see you, because you would've never done this. Wake up. Please."

He sighed and kept watching Sam. He needed to wake up. He needed to be okay. If Sam woke up and hated him, fine. If Sam wanted nothing to do with him, fine. He just needed one miracle. One thing, just for him. He needed Sam to wake up and stop this. That's it. Don't be...dead. Please. Please, don't be dead.


	44. Abandon All Hope

How could he be so stupid? How could Sam have done something so goddamn stupid? Dean paced in the hall outside of Sam's room. He watched Gabriel sitting next to Sam, holding his hand, and wished none of this were happening. He should've known Sam wasn't alright. Well, he knew the kid was hurting, but not so fucked up that he'd do something like this. He should've known. When had he and Sam stopped being open with each other? Sam should've told him about Luci, and he should've told him something, anything, that could've prevented this. Dammit, he should've known. Dean slid to the ground in the hospital hallway against the wall and pressed his fingers to his eyes to stop any tears from falling. Dammit, Sammy.

He felt Cas wrap his arms around him suddenly. It felt like Cas was keeping him from breaking.

"Jo's taking Benny and Balth home. Charlie and Dorothy are opting to sleep in the waiting room," Cas said quietly.

Dean barely heard what he said. Slowly, he nodded.

"Do you want to stay here?" Cas asked.

Dean looked at Cas with red eyes. "I can't leave my brother, Cas," he said.

Cas hugged him tightly. He whispered, "I know. You don't have to."

Dean clung onto Cas and tried to steady his breathing. This could not be happening.

No. No, no, no, no, no.

Cas gently rubbed his back and said, "Do you want me to stay?"

Dean sat up quickly and stared at Cas, disregarding any tears he might be showing his boyfriend. "Of course I want you to stay. Why wouldn't I?" he said.

Cas shrugged, "It seems like just family is staying the night…and Gabriel." Dean sighed shakily, trying to fight any more tears. He couldn't just break down like this. He had to be strong for Sam.

"Cas," he said, "You're family. You're not just my family. You're Sam's family. And Charlie's and Dorothy's. Stay."

Dean looked over towards Sam's room.

Cas murmured, "Okay. You want to get up off the floor? Maybe we can get you a new shirt from the gift shop that doesn't have blood on it?" Dean nodded slowly and stood up with Cas. He could use a clean shirt.

"I don't want to leave," Dean said quietly. If Sam woke up while he was in the gift shop, he'd never forgive himself.

Cas put a hand on Dean's shoulder, "Okay. I'll get you a shirt. It'll just take a minute."

Dean nodded and walked over to the window. Sam was just laying there. His heart monitor was steady, so that was good. Cas left without a word. Sam had to be okay. Dean failed Sam once with Luci, and he failed him again by not seeing what was happening with Sam. This couldn't be it. Sam had to be okay. He had to wake up.

"You want to come in?" Gabriel asked from the doorway.

Dean nodded. Gabriel looked as broken as Dean felt. Goddammit, Sammy.

He followed Gabriel into the room. Gabriel dropped back down into the hospital chair and sighed.

"How are you doing?" Dean asked softly. Sam's heart monitor beeped steadily as Gabriel shot Dean a tired look. His eyes were red, and he looked like hell.

"How do you think?" Gabriel answered. Dean looked over at Sam. His brother seemed to be the only one remotely relaxed, but that was not a good thing.

"Do you need anything?" Dean asked.

Gabriel shook his head and stared at Sam, "I just need him."

"How'd you fall for him?" Dean asked after a moment, sitting on the edge of Sam's bed. Gabriel tried at a laugh.

"Are you really asking me about this now?" he asked. Dean just looked at Sam.

"He never told me," Dean said. Just one more thing Sam didn't tell him. He used to know everything about that kid, but now? Now, it felt like he couldn't be further from his brother.

"He doesn't know," Gabriel answered, "And now I might not get to tell him." Gabriel's voice broke sharply as he tried not to cry. Dean looked at his brother's friend. The pain in Gabriel's face ripped Dean apart.

"You don't have to tell me," Dean said quietly. He didn't want to cause any more pain. He just wanted his brother back.

Gabriel sighed and composed himself enough to say, "Someone should know, I guess."

Dean waited for him to continue. For a while there was only the beeping of the heart monitor.

"I met Sam after one of his bad days with Luci. I got him to open up to me. Privilege of being a non-biased party, I guess," Gabriel said, "But when he decided to open up to me again, not as a stranger but as a friend, I knew I was in trouble. He showed me his bruises and his ankle and all the rest of it. I fixed him up the best I could, but seeing him like that hurt. And I knew I cared about him a lot more than I should've if it hurt that bad. The rest of that week solidified any feelings I had for him."

Dean nodded slowly. He remembered that week. He hadn't seen Sam so happy in a long time, not that he got to see much of Sam that week at all.

"I can't thank you enough for what you did for my brother," Dean said.

"You don't have to. I'd do anything for him," Gabriel said, "I will do anything for him. Whatever he needs, whatever he wants, I'll do it." Dean stood up and put a hand on Gabriel's shoulder.

He said, "It'll be okay." There was a part of Dean that didn't believe that, but he had to say something to help, something to keep himself hanging in there. Gabriel pressed his fist to his lips in an effort to keep his fragile composure. He nodded in response to Dean's words and returned to staring at Sam.

Dean walked back out in the hallway so Gabriel could have some privacy. Cas had been gone a while. Dean took another look at Sam through the window. He decided to go check on Cas. Sam would be fine. He had to be. Dean headed over to the gift shop. He could use a distraction.

But when he got there, Cas was gone. He had to be around there somewhere. He wouldn't have just left. He wouldn't have just- Dean heard a small sniffle. He followed the sound and found Cas kneeling on the ground.

"Cas?" Dean asked.

Cas looked up at him with wet eyes. "The gift shop isn't open," he said quietly. A tear fell from Cas' eye and dropped on his lap. His face crumpled into sobs.

Dean dropped next to his boyfriend and held him against his chest.

"I'm sorry," Cas choked, "I just-" Dean held onto Cas like he was trying to keep the breaking pieces of both of them together. It was hard to be strong while trying not to shatter.

"It's okay," Dean whispered in Cas' ear.

Cas sobbed against Dean's chest, and Dean had no idea how to help.

When Cas was able to collect himself a bit, he sat back from Dean and wiped at his eyes.

"It's just...why would he do this?" Cas asked. Cas started to cry again, and Dean hugged him.

"I don't know," Dean said, "He's going to be okay, Cas."

Cas stared up at him blearily, "We don't know that. He should be awake by now. He should..." Cas' voice shook terribly. Dean rubbed Cas' back, trying anything he could to soothe his boyfriend.

"He shouldn't be in here at all," Cas said with a steadier tone.

Dean nodded, "I know. But he's going to be okay. We have to believe that, even if..."

He blinked hard trying not to cry again. Sam would be fine. He would be okay. Dean couldn't start crying with Cas so upset. One of them had to be strong. But he couldn't hold it back. With each chest rattling breath and shake of his shoulders, he felt endlessly awful. He should be able to be strong for Cas. But it was Sammy. He could barely think straight, let alone help other people keep it together.

When Dean managed to pull himself back together, he sighed, "I'm sorry."

Cas shook his head, "If you weren't a wreck right now, I'd be worried about you." He had a point.

"You want to go see him?" Dean asked.

Cas nodded and slowly stood up. He extended his hand to Dean and helped him up. Cas kept his hand in Dean's. Honestly, it helped Dean feel a little more stable, which helped immeasurably.

As they walked passed the waiting area, Dean saw Charlie with her arms wrapped around Dorothy. Charlie was wearing Dorothy's jacket, and Dorothy used Charlie's jacket like a blanket. They were both fast asleep. Dean and Cas walked over to Sam's room. They watched as Gabriel stood up and straightened out the sheets on Sam's bed.

"He really loves him, you know," Cas said.

Dean replied, "I know. He deserves someone like that."

He had to wake up. Dean wanted to see him happy, to see him loved, to see him okay.

"He'll be okay," Cas said, brushing his fingers along Dean's hand. Dean nodded. He just had to wake up.

He just wanted his brother back.


	45. Lazarus Rising

Sam opened his eyes to bright, white light. He was dead. He died and Heaven had a serious problem with brightness. He blinked a few times and realized he was staring at a couple of fluorescent lights. This couldn't be Heaven, then. Heaven would use greener sources of lighting. Slowly, he looked around and saw he was in the hospital. Shit. He wasn't dead. Dean was going to kill him.

Suddenly, he was aware of someone holding his hand. Gabriel gripped his hand tighter as he leaned forward in the hospital chair next to Sam's bed.

"Sam?" he said.

Sam looked at his friend, confused, "Gabe?"

"Oh, thank God," Gabe sighed with a shaky smile. He quickly stood and shut the door to Sam's room.

Locking it, he said, "Dean's going to rush in here, but I'm going to talk to you first." Sam saw a bit of fire in his friend's eyes, which was enough to keep him quiet. He knew Dean would wind up breaking down the door if he realized he was barred from Sam. Gabe was risking his life to talk to him.

"Okay," Sam said quickly, realizing Gabe was waiting for him to acknowledge his words. Gabriel grabbed Sam's hand again but didn't sit down.

"You've been out for two days, you stupid, sorry, son of a bitch. How could you be so stupid? Do you know how scared we've all been?" he said, trying to keep himself calm.

Sam felt the tears forming in his eyes. He knew he was going to hear much worse from Dean, but it still hurt to hear. He didn't want to hurt them. He just wanted the rest of everything to stop.

Gabe sighed, sat down, and ran this thumb over the back of Sam's hand.

"Dammit, Sam. Well, I'm sure Dean will lay into you more later, but that's not what I wanted to tell you," Gabe said. He swallowed and stared at Sam's hand. Sam watched as Gabriel locked eyes with him, amber eyes pouring into hazel.

"After what happened with Lucifer," Gabe said, making Sam smile faintly at the nickname, "I knew you were pretty messed up. So, I didn't want to say anything. I knew you needed space. But after this? I can't—I was trying to give you time when I said we should just be friends. I'm in love with you, Sam, and I have been for a really long time. You need to know that."

Sam stared at Gabe, took in his friend's intensity, and felt a potent combination of happiness and guilt. Gabe loved him…and he tried to kill himself. He must've put Gabe through Hell. Oh, God.

"Oh my God," Sam breathed, trying to think straight. Gabe went to retract his hand from Sam's but Sam tightened his grip.

"Why didn't you tell me sooner?" Sam asked.

Gabe stared at their hands when he answered, "I didn't want to be a rebound for you. I wanted you to have time for yourself, time to heal…I wanted you to choose me because you wanted me, not because I was already there. I wanted you to be okay."

Gabriel met Sam's eyes and said, "I still want you to have time, Sam. I shouldn't have told you now. But these two days, Sam? The last two days? I thought you were— I realized I had to tell you and explain, because I may not get the chance to later. I don't even care if I'd be a rebound at this point, just as long as you would be okay." Sam looked away out of guilt.

"I'm sorry, Gabe," he muttered. Gabe stood up and brushed Sam's hair out of his face gently.

"Don't be sorry," he said, "Just never, ever, scare me like that again."

The door handle jiggled a bit followed by a growled "Gabriel…" from Dean.

Gabe smiled at Sam and said, "I should probably open that."

Before Gabe got to the door, Sam said, "For the record, you wouldn't have been a rebound." His friend paused at the door as loud banging ensued on the other side. Quickly, he met Sam's gaze.

"What?" he asked Sam quietly.

Dean shouted, "Gabriel, so help me, if you do not open this door—"

"Keep your pants on!" Gabe shouted back. He crossed back over to Sam in an instant despite the ruckus Dean was making. Sam could hear Cas trying to calm Dean down.

"Care to run that by me again, Sam?" Gabe asked.

Sam looked up at Gabe full of remorse and a need to confess, "You could never be a rebound. I would never hurt you like that. And you are the best person I've ever met. You've helped me in ways that I—It's an honor just to know that you even care about me. And you love me? I can't even—You don't know how long I've loved you, how long I—You deserve better than me."

"There is no one better than you," Gabe said.

"Gabe—"

Gabe cut him off with a soft, chaste kiss. It was a kiss that Sam returned instantly. "No one," he repeated, "Could ever be better than you. Not to me."

Dean continued to threaten the stability of the door.

"We're going to have to continue this later," Gabe said, "On account of Dean's about to take down the damn door." Sam watched him walk back to the door with a slight twinge of disappointment.

"But believe me," Gabriel added, "We will continue this later." The idea made Sam smile as Gabe allowed Dean to burst into the room. He mouthed a quick "Good luck" to Sam as his brother rushed to his bed.

Instantly, Dean wrapped his arms around Sam in a tight hug.

"Dammit, Sammy," his brother muttered against his shoulder.

"Hey, Dean," Sam said. Dean let go marginally but stared at Sam.

Dean's emotional shield held firm as he said, "The doctors are saying you're going to have to go to mandatory therapy. I talked to our insurance, and they'll cover it, but we're going to have to set up the first appointment by next week."

Sam nodded, "Makes sense. Suicide is a fellony. Better than getting fined I guess." Dean looked at him, and Sam saw his lip quiver for a moment.

Sam asked, "Dean?"

"I'm sorry," Dean said.

"What?" Sam asked.

Dean sighed, "I should never have let things get so bad for you. I had no idea. I'm sorry."

"Dean, this isn't your fault. I'm broken," Sam said, "This had nothing to do with you." Dean stared at him.

"Well, what were you thinking?" he asked.

"You don't want to know."

"Yes, I do. I'll rip up one of those free talking coupons when we get home. Just tell me. I want to know why you did it."

Sam sighed. He didn't want to tell Dean about this. He really didn't. How could he have been so stupid?

"I really don't want to talk about it," Sam tried.

"Sam," Dean said, tone sharp, "I need to know why my brother wanted to die. I need to understand how we're even in here right now."

"I didn't want to be in the way," Sam said. Dean's eyebrows knit together in confusion.

"You're not in the way," he said.

Sam shook his head. Dean didn't get it.

"Don't you think I see what's been going on?" Sam said, trying not to cry, "Charlie and Dorothy try to keep their distance, Gabriel tip-toes around me, and you...You and Cas hold back so much more if you know I'm there. I see it. I'm a burden to all of you, and I don't want to be. I just wanted it to stop hurting so much."

He felt a tear escape his eye.

Sam's brother hugged him.

"You're so wrong," Dean said quietly, "We only care about you. We don't want to accidentally hurt you. I never know where you're at. I'll try not to be so careful around you, but I don't know what's going on in your head. I need to know you're okay."

Sam sighed, "I don't want to bother you with my problems. You have a life. I don't want to be in the way-"

Dean released Sam and stared at him with an intensity that he seemed to pick up from Cas. "Don't," he said, "Don't you dare think that there's anything, past or present, that I would put in front of you."

Sam couldn't hold himself back anymore. He hugged Dean and cried onto his shoulder.

"I'm sorry," Sam said, voice shaking much more than he was comfortable with. And he was. He was so sorry.

"It's okay," Dean muttered, "It's okay. You're okay. Everything's okay." Sam didn't want to think about how scared Dean had been. From the way he was hugging Sam, he could only guess. Dean took a deep breath and let Sam go again.

"They're only letting one person in the room at a time, and there are other people that want to see you and talk to you," Dean said.

He stood up, and Sam watched him cross to the door. Before he opened the door, he stopped and walked back to Sam's bed.

His brother said, "Don't you ever do that again. I don't care what's going on in your head. Nobody cares that you're broken. We're here for you. Don't you do this. Ever. There ain't no me if there ain't no you. Got it?"

Sam nodded, "Yeah. I got it." He felt like crap, he was really tired, and seeing the dried blood on Dean's shirt made him feel guiltier than he ever had. He'd make this right.

"I'm going to let other people in, now, okay?" Dean said.

Sam nodded again.

Dean opened the door and said quickly, "I'm glad you're okay, Sammy."


	46. Defending Your Life

Much to Sam's surprise, Cas came in next. He stared at Sam intently, as if deciding how to react to him, but eventually, he sat in the chair next to Sam's bed and reached out to cover Sam's hand in his in a gesture of comfort that had Sam fighting the urge to break down in tears.

"Cas, I'm sorry," Sam said quietly.

Cas replied, equally quiet, "I know you are."

Sam nodded slowly. He wasn't going to get forgiveness from Cas. Not now anyway.

But he couldn't help but ask, "Can you ever forgive me?"

Cas smiled softly, "Yes, of course."

"But you're still upset with me now," Sam concluded out loud.

Cas nodded, smile fading, "Yes. You tried to kill one of my best friends. I am a bit...troubled by that."

Sam didn't know how to react to that. Cas was upset. Sam made him upset. But Cas thought Sam was one of his best friends? He knew Cas cared, but he hadn't known...

"Why do you look confused?" Cas asked. Sam met Cas' gaze reluctantly, "I didn't know you thought of me as one of your best friends. That's...Thank you, Cas."

Cas looked at him sternly, "Do you think I would've lied to Dean for you if I didn't care about you? Do you think I would be here right now instead of Charlie or Dorothy or Gabriel if you didn't mean something to me?"

Sam blinked away tears and looked down at his hand. Cas had a point. He had a serious point, and Sam hadn't had a clue.

Cas squeezed Sam's hand and caught his gaze sharply.

"Dean was so scared, Sam," Cas said, "I was so scared. Gabriel didn't leave this room until you woke up. Charlie and Dorothy were at their wits' end. Jo and Balthazar and Benny were here when they first heard. Kevin and Anna are here, too. Bobby and Ellen are on their way. You have so many people that care about you, that are here for you whenever you need them. And they want to be there for you. There is no obligation. Don't you dare forget that if you ever consider doing this again. And you better not. The nurse is already telling us we need a better place to hang out."

Sam hugged Cas quickly. Cas returned the hug tightly, but it wasn't until Sam heard Cas sniffle that he realized his friend was crying.

Sam didn't let go of Cas until Cas decided to release him. Cas wasn't crying anymore.

"You are worth more than you give yourself credit for," Cas said quietly, his voice thick with tears. Sam didn't know what to say.

He didn't quite believe him. He'd caused his family so much pain. He clearly couldn't be worth much as a person if he'd been willing to do that to them. But hearing it again from so many different people was starting to make it sink in a little.

Cas got up and said with more composure, "I won't make the others wait. I'll see you later." He opened the door and Charlie rushed in.

Charlie sat down in a huff and said, "Alright. What really happened? Suicide attempt is way too cliché, and you'd never do that to us, so I want you to tell me the real story, and make it good, Sam."

Sam sighed, "I don't know what to tell you, Charlie."

"Sam," she said, concerned, "It wasn't just an accident? You didn't just auto-pilot taking pills?" Sam shook his head. It was hard to even meet Charlie's gaze. He didn't know how he was going to deal with seeing everyone else.

"But you're my boy. You and Dean, you're my boys. Why would you...?" she said, pleading Sam to tell her he didn't try to kill himself.

"I'm sorry," Sam said. Charlie shook her head and closed her eyes.

"What the hell, Sam?" she said, exasperated, "We've been through so much. I would've-Why didn't you tell me?"

"I'm sorry," he said again.

She folded her hands and placed them on her lap calmly, scarily calmly.

She said, "Tell me now."

At first he hesitated. Sure, he'd known Charlie since they were on the streets together, but this was seriously personal shit. But she was family. So he told her. He told her about Luci, about Gabe, about everything. And she listened.

Dorothy came in next. She closed the door behind her and stood at the foot of Sam's bed with her arms held behind her back as if she was at attention.

She smiled at him and said, "I'll bet ten bucks that everyone else is trying to get you to talk about your feelings and what happened. It's because they care about you. They aren't trying to be all in your face, they're just scared." She crossed over to the side of his bed and fixed Sam with a hard stare.

"At least the worst is over," she said, "You've already talked to Dean." She glanced around awkwardly while Sam decided to reply or not.

She sighed, "They're only letting one person in at a time, so I shouldn't hog up all your time. I'll see you at home when you're out anyways."

Before she left, she turned to Sam from the door and said, "I'm glad you're gonna be okay."

Sam beckoned her over, and she hugged him.

"Me, too," he said quietly. After she left, it became a revolving door of loving faces, concern, hurt, and confusion.

Kevin hustled into the room and said, "This is really not fair, you know? You know how much work I've been doing just to keep up with the curriculum? You know how hard I've been trying to balance with Anna? You know how much I've got on my plate? You told me that I need to keep going. And then you do this?"

He dropped himself into the chair and shook his head in frustrated disbelief.

"You don't get to give up if I don't, got it?" he snapped. Sam nodded quickly, having never seen him go off like this. But Kevin had a point. They all did.

Balthazar sighed as he entered the room and closed the door.

"This is going to be emotional, isn't it? Could we not? I'm sure you're sick of talking about it, and I frankly don't want to know. Mind if I just sit here?" he said, walking to the plastic chair.

He plopped down without waiting for an answer and asked, "Seen any hot nurses in this place yet?" It was the first time Sam felt like laughing since he woke up.

Jo closed the door softly and visibly steeled her resolve to remain calm by taking an exaggerated deep breath.

Sam was expecting her wrath, but instead, Jo sat next to his bed, took his hand in hers, and said, "If I score you more beer, will you promise not to do something like this again?"

Sam laughed, "Jo, that's not—" Jo's smile sobered as she squeezed Sam's hand tightly.

"Seriously, though. Never do this again. Ever," she said.

He nodded and said, "I'm sorry, Jo. I didn't mean to—"

Jo sighed, returning to a lighter tone, "It's fine. Next time I come into this hospital with you better be when we're replacing Dean's liver, alright?" He couldn't help but laugh. He loved his family.

Bobby and Ellen came bursting in at the same time with Ellen shouting behind her, "I don't care about your stupid policy!" They both rushed to Sam's bedside like the loving parents he'd never had.

Ellen gushed, "Oh, honey, I'm glad you're okay."

Bobby smacked Sam upside the head, snapping, "What the hell's wrong with you, boy?"

That visit almost hurt as bad as Dean's, but it was nice having something close to parents. He'd never been hugged so much in his life.

Benny and Anna didn't come in at all. Anna didn't really know Sam, and Benny knew he made Sam uncomfortable as it was. But they both extended their well wishes through the others.

Gabriel, much to Sam's relief, came back after everyone else had gotten to see him. He sat back down in the hospital chair with a grin stretched across his face.

"So," he said, "Where did we leave off?"

"I've had feelings for you for a while," Sam said.

Gabe smiled brightly, "Oh, right. Well, not to abruptly change the subject, but I'd really like to talk about this." He pulled a folded note out of his pocket. Sam felt like he just swallowed acid. It was his note. Gabe unfolded it and showed Sam his own handwriting.

"I'm the only one who's seen this, so consider yourself lucky," he said.

"You were the one who found me?" Sam asked.

"Don't change the subject," Gabriel said, "But yes. We'll get to that. This note, though."

"I'm sorry you found me, I had no idea it would be you. I'm so sorry," Sam said quickly.

Gabe sighed, "I'm not. If I had been any later, we may not be having this conversation...and you don't know what that would do to me." He fixed Sam with a soft, sad gaze and held up the note, getting back to the matter at hand.

"Sam," he said, voice pouring over his name like honey, "What the hell? You did it for us? What the hell, Sam?"

Sam stared at his hands, "I feel like a burden to you guys, especially you. You could do so much better than me. You should do so much better than me. I felt like it was best to take myself out of the equation. I have since seen the error of my ways."

Gabe stood quickly and looked down at Sam. "I'm glad you realize that suicide is a bad idea. I really am," he said.

Sam met Gabe's eyes and saw them so full of affection Sam wanted to cry. How could someone look at him like that? How could he deserve that kind of love?

Gabe cupped Sam's cheek with one hand and said, "Sam, I've said this before, and I'll say it again. There is no one, no one, better than you. Period. End of story. If I have to spend the rest of my life proving that to you, then that is exactly what I'm going to do."

Sam felt a tear roll down his cheek. He never imagined someone would say that to him, let alone hearing it more than once. He never ever imagined believing such words. But when Gabriel said it again, he didn't doubt him for a second. Gabe wiped away Sam's tear and kissed him softly.

"I love you," Sam said.

Gabe laughed even though his smile wavered slightly and said, "Let's see if you still say that when you see me naked."

Sam laughed and a rush of relief flooded Gabriel's face.


	47. Jump the Shark

It was the first week of June when Sam, Gabe, Dean, Cas, Charlie, Dorothy, Jo, Balthazar, Benny, Kevin, Anna, and Garth all walked into the Roadhouse.

"Are we being invaded?" Ellen asked from behind the bar.

Jo laughed, "Yeah, Mom. Definitely an invasion." They took up both their usual booth and the table next to it, filling that corner of the bar with laughter and noise.

They had just finished moving into a larger apartment, mainly so Dean and his family could all sit in the same room without overflowing into another room. And this apartment complex had a parking garage, which was perfect since Dean's baby was parked outside.

After Sam had started therapy, money had been really tight, especially after all the hospital bills. Dean went back to working nights at the garage early. He and Cas didn't get to spend as much time together as a result, but they dealt with it. Plus, Cas lived with him. Even if he went to school, went straight to work, and didn't get home until everyone else was asleep, he still got to curl up with Cas before going to bed.

Still, working at the garage, he was able to swing a discount on parts for the Impala. The first chance he got, he introduced Cas to his baby, got her out of Crowley's shop, and brought her to the garage to work on whenever he got a chance. She was good as new now, and she looked beautiful sitting in the Roadhouse parking lot with the sunlight glinting off her new paint job.

"I can't believe I lost it," Cas sighed.

Dean put a hand on Cas' leg, thoroughly enjoying the fact that Cas was wearing shorts, and said, "Don't worry. It was just a ring. I can easily get you another one."

Cas nodded but still looked rather dejected.

Dean glanced over to Sam, but Sam shook his head. In the months that Sam had been out of the hospital, he'd been doing so much better. The change in Sam was so shocking. It was like he was a whole new person. He smiled more, he laughed more, he was all over Gabriel more, though there were some things that Dean just didn't need to see. Sam also seemed to have filled out more and gotten even taller, which Dean didn't think would've been possible. He seemed happy for the first time in a long time, and it was great.

Cas looked at Dean, "What was that?"

"What was what?" Dean asked.

Cas replied, "That look you gave Sam. What's going on?"

Always so perceptive.

Sam sighed, "He thinks I stole it for Gabe, which I did not."

Dean was shocked at how good a liar his brother was. Though, he wasn't all that surprised given how much time he had to perfect it.

Gabriel faked a gasp and said, "Oh my God, Sam! This is all so sudden!"

"Like you'd say no if I asked," Sam teased.

Dean rolled his eyes. Sam kissed Gabriel with a kiss long enough that it made Dean look away.

Cas said, "You know Sam wouldn't do something like that."

Dean just shrugged. Sam was a much better liar.

Balthazar made a face at Sam and Gabriel. "You gonna come up for air anytime soon?" he teased.

Sam released his boyfriend and flipped off Balthazar.

Dean put his arm around Cas but noticed he seemed kind of off. The ring thing was really bumming him out.

Fuck it.

Dean glanced at Sam, and Sam shook his head.

Dean nodded and tilted his head towards Cas.

Sam shrugged and shot Dean a confused glance.

Gabriel and Cas watched Dean and Sam in confusion.

Exasperatedly, Dean held out his hand. "Sam," he said.

Sam looked from Dean to Cas.

"But what about...?" Sam tried. Dean shook his head and motioned for Sam to hand it over.

Cas asked, "Dean, what's going on?"

Sam sighed and pulled Cas' ring out of his pocket. He handed it to Dean.

"But it was going to be so cute!" Sam protested. Gabriel and Cas both shot confused glances at Sam.

Dean sighed, "Ignore him. Cas, can we talk outside?" This was definitely not how Dean had planned all of this going down.

Cas nodded, and Dean led him out of the booth to the back lot behind the Roadhouse, ignoring the muttered comments of their friends.

They walked outside in the summer heat to the spot where six months earlier, Cas had Dean backed up against the wall in the snow. Back to the spot where it all started.

"Dean," Cas said.

Dean sighed frustrated, "This was going to go much better. It really was." He held out Cas' ring.

"This doesn't mean what you think it means," Dean said, "I'm not proposing. We haven't been together nearly long enough for that, but I...I'm promising that eventually I'll propose...or you can...or I don't know. I just…I want to marry you eventually."

Cas took his ring and slid it on. "So, this is a promise ring?" he asked.

Dean rolled his eyes, "Well, if you want it to sound all chick-flicky..."

Cas kissed Dean softly and with much more emotion behind it than Dean was expecting. Dean wrapped his arms around Cas and backed him into the wall.

They kissed a few more times before Cas broke away and said, "We should probably go back inside."

Fair enough. Dean really didn't want their friends to start eavesdropping at the door.

When they went inside, Jo grinned at them, Benny was shoving Balthazar's face away from him, and Sam and Gabriel were back to making out. Charlie and Dorothy were purposely avoiding looking at Sam and Gabriel.

"But everybody else is getting together! C'mon. You know you want me," Balthazar pressed.

Benny rolled his eyes, "Just 'cause all our friends are queer doesn't mean I am."

As Dean and Cas got closer to the tables, Dean said to Benny, joking, "Maybe Jo would work better for you."

Jo blushed and walked over to the bar quickly to grab drinks.

Holy shit.

Benny looked from Dean to Jo. Balthazar cackled hysterically while Benny got up to talk to Jo.

Dean laughed and put an arm around Cas.

Charlie asked Cas, "So, what's all the craziness with your ring?"

Cas grinned, "We're getting married."

Gabriel broke away from Sam in shock.

Dorothy choked on her drink.

Dean shoved Cas in the arm.

"Eventually," Dean amended, "In the distant future. Many years from now."

"It'll be nice to have a married couple in the apartment," Dorothy said, shooting Charlie a sideways glance. Charlie rolled her eyes.

"Years from now," Dean repeated.

Charlie said, "As long as you guys are out on your honeymoon or at least quiet after you get hitched, have at it."

Dean sighed, "Years. Really. Years from now."

Sam laughed, "Too bad Gabe and I have the room with the better sound proofing."

Cas shook his head, "My ears beg to differ."

Charlie grinned, "Actually we have the best sound proofing."

"How would you know?" Dean asked, "We've only been in the apartment for a night."

Charlie wiggled her eyebrows suggestively. "We've tested it out. Twice," she said impishly.

Dean tried not to spit out his drink. When they first met Charlie and Dorothy, Dean kind of thought the lesbian thing was hot. Now, it was just weird to hear stuff like that. He didn't want to know what his sisters were doing behind closed doors. He was even more disturbed that he hadn't heard a single noise from their room.

"Twice this morning," Dorothy added, watching Dean squirm.

Thankfully, Kevin jumped over to the booth with Anna. "Any of you guys want to dance? We're gonna get some music going," he asked.

Charlie nudged Dorothy, and Dorothy rolled her eyes.

Charlie shoved Sam and Gabriel out of the booth, got up, and shouted, "Play 'Walking on Sunshine'!" as Dorothy followed after, shaking her head.

As Sam got back in the booth, Gabriel hesitated.

"Gabe?" Sam asked.

Gabriel nodded over to the door. Dean looked over and saw a lanky kid about Sam's age standing awkwardly near the door, looking around nervously.

"Who's that?" Sam asked.

Gabriel answered, "He's Mike's friend."

"Who's Mike?" Dean asked.

"Gabe's brother," Sam answered.

Ah. So, awkward door kid was his brother's boyfriend's brother's friend. Right. Okay.

Gabriel sat back down, and Sam said, "We should invite him over."

"Why?" Dean asked.

"Well, look at him, Dean," Sam said, "He's just keeping the door company over there. Might as well give him a less obvious place to be weird."

Dean shrugged, "Go for it."

Gabriel stood up in the booth and shouted, "Adam!"

The kid looked over in surprise and walked over.

"Hey, Gabriel," Adam said quietly.

"Come, sit," Gabriel beckoned, "What brings you to the Roadhouse?"

Adam sat down and sighed, "Michael is being a...I needed a place to go for a bit."

Gabriel nodded, and Dean decided not to ask.

"Well, we're just hanging out here today, but we're going to the beach tomorrow if you want to come with," Sam said.

Adam smiled a little, "Sure. Sounds fun."

Adam's presence seemed to make Gabriel and Sam rein it in a bit. Dean liked this kid already.

After a while, Cas twiddled with the ring on his finger when he said to Dean, "I love you."

Dean grinned and kissed Cas regardless of random Gabriel's brother's friend being there.

"I know," Dean replied, earning a smirk from Cas.

They discussed plans for the beach the next day, and enjoyed relaxing with friends after the long day of hauling boxes up and down stairs.

Sam was doing so much better, and he was sickeningly in love with Gabriel.

Gabriel had moved in with them and was quickly becoming another annoying little brother to Dean.

Charlie and Dorothy were happy as ever, aside from some occasional spats over whether they'd ever tie the knot.

Cas was caught up on Doctor Who and Sherlock, and he finally had enough of his own belongings that Dean had to share closet space with him.

And not a day went by when Dean wasn't completely awestruck by how lucky he was to have Cas, to have Sam back, to have his baby back, to have his family. He was so lucky. And it was amazing.

Eventually, it started getting dark out, and Bobby had shot them more than enough looks for drinking his booze so quickly. Finally, they went home.

Endings are hard. Any chapped-ass monkey with a keyboard can poop out a beginning, but endings are impossible. You try to tie up every loose end, but you never can. The fans are always gonna bitch. There's always gonna be holes. And since it's the ending, it's all supposed to add up to something. I'm telling you, they're a raging pain in the ass.

So, what's it all add up to? It's hard to say. But me, I'd say this was a test... for Sam and Dean. And I think they did all right. Up against the past, the future, Lisa, Luci, pain, and life itself, they made their own choices. They chose family. They chose love. And, well... isn't that kinda the whole point?

No doubt - endings are hard. But then again... nothing ever really ends, does it?


End file.
